I'm sorry that you're having such a difficult night. What happened to make you so done with everything? Please don't do anything to harm yourself, stay here and talk.

I understand, I feel the same way. I wish I had the guts to end it

Just life. I felt "better" for some "months" and now I'm right back to the place I have been my whole life. In this hell hole. I hate life. Almost everything about it. I'm miserable. In pain and don't want to live anymore.

I really hope you can hang on, one day at a time. I know for me, there was a period of time I really wanted to die but my life is so much different now. Things can change for you too. It sounds like things were better for a period of time for you, what was different then? Were any circumstances different or just your emotions? Would you consider going in to the hospital for help? Have you done that before?

Yeah, I've doe that before. And when I say before I mean probably a total of 17 or 18 times all within the last 5 years. I would not go back. I don't want to go to a hospital. I mean, am I going to do something? I don't know. Do I have pills in my hand right now? No. Do I want to go grab some? Yes.

I don't know why I felt better before. Nothing was "different" that I can think of. I can't do this all again.

I know when I'm in a very dark place, everything is so overwhelming.... I'm really sorry that things are so difficult and painful for you right now. Do you have people in your life that are aware that things are so hard for you right now?

They don't know there this bad. My mom doesn't know anything. A couple of my friends from work know that something is going on but nothing in detail.

Don't be sorry....you didn't do anything. It just sucks and I don't want to hang on anymore.

Is your mom supportive, like if she knew how you were feeling would she want to help and validate what's going on or not? Are your friends from work like good friends that you trust?

I love my mom but I don't talk to her about anything like this. I mean. she would just send me to the hospital.

Yes, I trust my friends very much....I'm not about to call them to tell them that I would like to off myself though.

What keeps you from sharing with your friends how you're feeling? Do you just think that they wouldn't understand? I know for me when I've been depressed the isolation is part of what sucks so much about the whole thing. I think it's good you're posting on here, I hope that you will keep doing that and not hurt yourself.

I don't like talking about my personal problems in general. Online it's okay. No offense to you whatsoever but it's a lot easier to tell someone you don't know and it's a lot easier to write things then say them out loud.

If I were to tell my friends right now I want to die and end it.... I mean, they would either be really concerned and/or if they thought I was in immediate danger they would call 911. I don't want either.

I totally get that it's easier to talk about these issues online, and with people you don't know..

It sounds like you have some good friends that would really be concerned if they knew how you were really feeling and would do what they could to help you.

So my guess is it isn't isolation that is making you feel that things are so bad?

Have you had things in the past that bring you down? Or do you think it's totally like a biological thing where all the circumstances in your life are great but you still feel depressed?

I really don't know. Probably both. Sorry I didn't respond yesterday, I fell asleep which is probably a good thing.

It's ok, i'm glad you were able to get some sleep

I feel the same way, it has been more than 10 years of hell and I think I cant take it anymore, enough. In the past I also was able to pull it, but I think now that is it, I just dont see a way out, and I am not in my 20s anymore. I have been deeply depressed in these past days, that has never happened before, I dont know what to do, I dont want help getting better, get better for what?To go back living this miserable life I have?No, thanks, Id rather die and end it all, but not even that I am capable of doing.