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Don't know how to approach this...

CJAngel
CJAngel
My girlfriend is upset. She's upset that I haven't talked to her much about what happened with me in boot camp and just after that. She's upset because I close off from everyone when I feel my depression kick in. I spoke to a friend about what happened. One I haven't known all that long. One who didn't really know me when I was so strong and unbroken. She's quite upset that I didn't come to her first. I want to talk to her. I really do. But how? How do I go up to someone who has seen me at my strongest moments and completely break? How do I tell her that all the issues I though I had dealt with, all the demons I had buried, have come back, full force? I'm afraid of leaving. I'm afraid of things changing. It's an irrational fear; one I developed as a teenager. I'm afraid of being abandoned. I'm afraid of being hurt. Most of all, though, I'm afraid of appearing weak. She has seen me fight off pain and heartache. How can I go to her now knowing that I'm different. That I can't process that way anymore? How can I go to her feeling like I don't deserve her in my life? God, I love her. I love her so damn much. But there's so much going on in my life, so many thoughts holding me back. What if my mentality drives her away? I'm such a fool...
Community LeaderThePepperMan
ThePepperMan
I think your answer is in your post.

Tell her that opening up about things forces you to show your weak and scared side; ask her if she is up to that. If she is then go forward. If she is not then she is not the friend that she thinks she is.

Gentle hugs
CJAngel
CJAngel
And in that aspect, I'm afraid to lose her. I don't know if I could handle losing her. I've never felt this way about anyone. And I'm just so scared.
chelle37
chelle37
It sounds like she's upset now because you haven't been able to open up to her. My guess is that it will bring you both closer together if you're able to open up to her. Why do you feel like you don't deserve her? I say really try to start sharing with her, she is probably feeling scared and insecure because you're not sharing with her. I really think overcoming this fear is going to give you a deeper intimacy with her. Good luck!
etherize
etherize
If you open up to her, it will only make your relationship stronger. You will give her the opportunity to support you, to be the strong one for once. Just because you feel weak and vulnerable now, and you're hurting now, doesn't mean you are a different person from the one she loves.

You might just print out your post and give it to her as a note, if it's too hard to say it out loud. Then the two of you can talk. Your post really says it all.

You sound like a really loving person. I seriously, seriously doubt you would lose her if you open up. Just take a deep breath and try it! :)

{{{hugs}}}
deleted_user
deleted_user
I agree with the others. Take a risk and open up to her. Any relationship requires some level of trust and it sounds like your trust level is seriously lacking. Unfortunately, the only way to build trust is to take a chance. I think the idea of printing out your post is a good one. It really does say a lot, and would make a great starting point for a discussion. You may want to do some thinking, about why you feel like you don't deserve her, and maybe print that out for her too. I know it's hard, when you see yourself as "the strong one" in the relationship, to open up and take that risk, but if you don't you probably WILL lose her. So you have to decide which matters more to you: the relationship or your view of yourself as the "strong one."

Annie
BlueYonderDreams
BlueYonderDreams
I agree with chelle37 that she is probably feeling scared and insecure. She might feel that you don't trust her enough to share what happened. I think you need to just be honest with her and open up to her. You are afraid of appearing weak, but I guarantee she won't look at you as being weak. You will just appear human to her. If she loves you her thoughts of you won't really change. She will just be there to support you. I think by opening up to her it can only help her understand you more and help the two of you grow even closer. It is special when you trust someone enough to open up to them and appear vunerable to them. Don't let your fear come in between you.
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