Depression Support Group

Depression is a real and debilitating condition that is often misunderstood by family and friends. Its meaning can range from a prolonged period of sadness to an actual mental illness with specific symptoms. Find and share experiences with others who are going through the same struggles.

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Mental Health
/ Depression Support Group

Does it ever truly get better?

Moondreamer1988
Moondreamer1988

I'm struggling.. I am truly struggling, and I honestly don't know what to say or where to begin..


I'm 28 years old, been struggling with anxiety and depression since I was about 16, although I have never been treated for depression. They put me on Alprazolam when I was about 19 because I was having panic attacks, but no one ever really sat me down and talked to me about it. I didn't like how I felt on it either. It definitely helped me sleep, and in the beginning, I would wake up feeling great, but that eventually wore off. I became irritable and sad, and it stopped working as good, so I felt like I needed to take more. I also started to drink a lot, so I was afraid of what I would do, so I chucked them and never looked back. I don't really have a support system, never really had one. I started drinking and smoking like a lot of teens my age did, only I did it for other reasons. I self-harmed for years. My parents knew, but avoided the entire thing hoping I'd grow out of it (I assume). I started drinking a lot more into my early 20's, that is a whole other story. My group of friends were toxic, and I had to part ways with them in order to get better. I went to college, did really well, graduated, now I am double majoring and working on my BA. You'd think that those dark days would be over, but they aren't. I constantly struggle, sometimes on a daily basis. Lately the mere fact that I get out of bed is a victory in itself. I have tried to reach out to get professional help three times, but they put me on a waiting list. They never call back.


My biggest problem is that I hide behind a mask. In public, you would never know how I am feeling, especially in professional settings. I put on a smile, and I am super friendly, but behind that smile I am suffering. I cry at some point almost every day. It has become so normal that I make a joke about it to my friend. I just have a "case of the feels". I know that I am a strong person, but I am getting tired of fighting. No one should feel like this. It's getting to the point where it is interfering with my schoolwork. I skipped school today to sleep in because I woke up and felt that cloud over me. I don't like to talk to my best friend about it because I feel like I am an annoyance. I want to seek professional help. I've been afraid to be on medication for various reasons. I don't really have good friends or a support system to talk to, but I know that I have to do something. I just don't know where to start or what my first step should be. I have felt this way for so long, and although it eventually passes, it always comes back. Lately it has been coming back faster and staying longer. 


I just.. I don't know what to do or where to turn...


-C

BE0312
BE0312
Wow, C, you brought tears to my eyes. I feel like I could have written this myself down to a T. I wish I could give you a hug.
Two major things stood out to me right off the bat... You need to make a complaint to those doctors offices and demand they make you an appointment. How unprofessional, I am so sorry!
Next, your friends are friends for a reason... you are NOT an annoyance, trust me on this. I only have one true friend who listens to me, and she is ready to beat me over the head any time she has found out I did not speak with her when I am down. Just try it and see how you feel, talking about it doesn't fix anything, but it certainly can help.
Also, wonderful job with your education, something you should definitely be proud of yourself for. My depression and anxiety got so bad, I was unable to complete school and now have $29,000 in debt for education I wasn't even able to use. Definitely be proud of yourself for that. You are so strong!
Turning to DS is a wonderful first step, there are great people here. But definitely try talking with your friend, and find a doctor's office to make you an appointment. I know all too well about the "mask" and "jokes"... Praying for you!
bridgie101
bridgie101
The problem with depression I found is that it goes on so long before you do anything about it that you can't remember the causes. Which annoying because uncovering the causes is part of the cure. Well, one cure.

You need to be more aggressive about getting counselling. But you are doing well, full respect for managing to study in this condition. ☺
Debbalina
Debbalina
My first reaction to your post was that you need to get things out. It sounds like you stuff alot of your feelings and have a habit of self-medicating. Like others have said - either call those therapists back or keep adding to your call list. Don't give up! I know also what its like to hide behind the mask. I just did it today - the negative thoughts came back and I cried a little to myself - then I talked to my friend who was having a problem and I pretended like everything was fine with me. Not good - I feel like I'd be burdensome, too. Take a risk and start laying your feelings out there. Only then will you get the support you need and I bet your friends will surprise you!
Moondreamer1988
Moondreamer1988
Thank you BE! I'm sorry about all that debt! That's terrible! I try to push myself every day because if I fail one of my classes, I am in danger of losing my scholarship so I am definitely trying to get myself in check. I have a new regular doctor who is a sweetheart, and I am finally going to come clean with my true feelings when I see her next month. (Whenever she asks how I have been, I tell her I am fine.) My one true friend is a good one, but he moved away, so when we do speak its through social media which is beginning to be exhausting. Sometimes its nice to just sit with someone and vent, then letting your fingers do the venting, but its better than nothing! Thank you again for your reply. I will definitely talk to my doctor about everything!

Hi Bridgie, I completely agree. For me, though, I know what really started my issues, it goes back to my childhood, and I think that because I never got professional help to deal with my problems, I just learned to deal with them in unhealthy ways. I am definitely going to take your advice and be more aggressive. I have a problem that, when I feel like this, I am proactive and start seeking out ways to get help, then I start to feel better and never follow through. I have to really stick to the program this time! Thanks!!

Hi, Debbalina, thanks for reply! I am definitely going to talk to my regular doctor and see if she can help me find a place. Maybe she will know of a place that can get me in if I am honest with how I am feeling. It is really exhausting hiding behind a mask. I will definitely take a risk and see what happens!!
Community LeaderThePepperMan
ThePepperMan
I have never understood why doctors are willing to prescribe pills, but don't talk to us. It makes no sense to me! If depression was a "bug" like the flu can be then find, but it is not! It sounds to me like you never really addressed the issues from your early years. Was there some incident that triggered things? In any event, we all need to learn coping methods that will help us when things get hard.

Gentle hugs
Community Leaderbobinmaine
bobinmaine
The best thing you can do to help yourself is to tell your doctor, your primary care physician, what you just told us. You may need medication, you may need counseling, you may need both. Only your doctor can decide.

God Bless!
Moondreamer1988
Moondreamer1988
Hi PepperMan, I completely agree! When I met my new regular doctor, and she asked about my medical history, I mentioned the medicine that was prescribed to me, and she was shocked that they didn't have me on anti-depressants along with the anti-anxiety. She was also shocked that they didn't talk to me about anything and agreed that it was very dangerous to give someone that young a controlled substance that easily. To answer your question, in short, I went through some stuff when I was younger, and unfortunately I went through some more stuff throughout my teen years. I definitely haven't coped with my experiences in a positive way, which is why I am hoping that finally being honest with myself and going to therapy will help! Thanks for your advice!

Thank you, Bob! I am definitely going to tell all of this and more to my PCP. I have a problem with getting nervous and stumbling on my words when talking to my doctors so I am planning on writing things down so I don't miss anything.
BE0312
BE0312
So glad you are going to express your true feelings to your doctor! And I am glad that you found a good one, that is very important! I am sorry to hear that your friend has moved away, that is never easy. While social media can be exhausting, sometimes it is easier to get out our true feelings via a screen instead of speaking - at least for me it is lol, the second I start talking, I start to tear up and shut down. But talking can be better, as you can get more out and your friend can be there for you more after sensing your true emotions, rather than reading a screen. Have you tried talking over the phone instead of texting or social media? This might be a good step/start to getting out your emotions so you can be ready to inform your doctor. That is why they are there, hun, you're not paying them to hear "I'm fine", when you're really not. I wish you the best of luck and will keep you in my prayers. God Bless.
lostsoul72
lostsoul72
I understand your feelings and what you are going through. I have had some of the very same issues in my life. My parents ignored the fact that I suffered from Depression until one day I stuck a loaded gun in my mouth and pulled the trigger in front of my mother. Lucky for me I guess it didn't go off. If you ever need someone to talk with I am usually around most weekdays and some weekends. Sometimes just getting your feelings and thought out can help to over come the issues. It dosnt really matter if your talking to a therapist or just someone that can relate.

Big hugs to you!
Moondreamer1988
Moondreamer1988
Good afternoon, BE! Thank you for your kind words. I usually reach out to my friend, most times I try to talk on the phone but he is usually busy with school. Thankfully he supports therapy, had been through it himself and understands, so I'm happy that I have him in my life. Writing always helped me release my emotions but because I am so busy with school and studying it doesn't leave me much time to write, but I'm going to try to make it a priority from now on!

Hi lostsoul, I'm so sorry that your parents treated you like that. My parents used to do the same. I was a cutter in high school, and burned my skin with cigarettes, and all my mother ever did was curse me out and ask me, "What the hell is wrong with you?" and my dad told me that I need to, "cut the shit already:" I'm glad that the gun didn't go off and that we are still here. Thank you, I needed a hug today!!!
Minidogs2
Minidogs2
Your story is very sad, but there is hope you can do much better. Please find a good therapist whatever it takes. I have done much better with prayer, therapy, medication, and a better support system. don't keep to yourself.
Moondreamer1988
Moondreamer1988
Thank you, Mini. I am definitely trying to make an appointment as soon as possible to get the process going.
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