I had a really difficult decision to make. I'm in a Master's program to study technology, and am hoping to create a career building technologies, especially educational technologies.  I am nearly done with the program and aim to graduate in fall.  I used to be a public school teacher for a very long time. I taught high school English.  My undergrad degree was in English, I had always wanted to go into some type of writing, likely be a journalist.  It didn't go in that direction. At the leading of my aunt, she persuaded me to go into education as she said it was "stable." I remember well, even though it was 20 years ago, being sick to my stomach and pretty depressed before I went to enroll in the education [post-grad classes.  It was my gut warning me off. I didn't listen. As a result I've had a terrible time with this career, and one thing that she has been wrong about is that it is hard to walk away from, she made it sound like when you got tired of it you could just go and do something else. That has proven very much not to be the case.

Since winter I've been applying left and right for paid tech internships.  I've had some interviews. I did not get any of these jobs. I kept hearing the same thing over and over again about all of these jobs: I didn't have the right background or experience, and these are just for internships.

A couple of weeks ago the college sent us an email saying that they were doing a summer project program where you could be placed with a local business and effectively get an internship. It would not be paid. But, I could put it on my resume and I would get experience. Problem is, with some of these businesses, you might have to treat it like a job and would not be able to work a day job elsewhere.

Here's the dilemma: I got offers and call backs to do things like run a summer camp for kids, paid, but more of the same. Yesterday I was in the interview for the summer camp job, and as I was sitting there my mind was running in circles and I was starting to feel more and more depressed as she was talking.  I was thinking that if I took the job all I would be thinking about was how I wanted to do the tech/engineering project instead, and I would be resentful all summer, wishing I was there instead of the school. I also got a call back today from a company for a full time job, it would be to create educational programs for kids.  But then I couldn't do the tech internship. Here is the issue- it's just all more of the same, and I am so depressed and burnt out. I am currently am substitue teaching while doing my Master's (I could not get anything else) and came home so depressed yesterday after yet another bad day of chaos at school.

I have enough savings to get through the summer.  My tax return additionally will be coming, and will be substantial. It will pay me practically the entire salary I would have gotten doing a kids' summer camp.

They offered me the kids' camp summer job. I thanked them and turned it down. Today I had the meeting for the University internship/applied projects summer program. I told the professor/director that I was in a real bind-that I couldn't even find my own internship because of 'no experience.' He said, "Well that's why we are doing this."  I also let the fulltime place know that I was going to take this internship-I thanked them for their time.  I do have a job with the school district in the fall again if I need it, so that's not an issue.  These jobs I was offered paid substantially less than what I could potentially make even as a public school teacher. Even though the university internship will be unpaid, it could be pivotal for me. I know when I was in teaching college I literally did a year of unpaid internships, including student teaching. I had a paid job on the weekend. I may call that company back yet again to work there on the weekends. I also think I might apply at the grocery store.  Just something different. That's all I need. I came home from the school SO exhausted and depleted yesterday, feeling defeated. I guess if I continue to do the same thing I always did, I will get the same thing I always got.  I told the  engineering director today that I didn't need more teaching experience. What I need is engineering experience. 

Talking to an acquaintance from my old support group didn't help at all. That is why I am doing regular therapy now. She read me totally wrong and said I didn't want to do the engineering internship, putting words in my mouth. Not true. I do. She also made a snarky remark because I rent a house from my parents.  She said, "It must be nice to be able to do all this when you get get free rent." I thought that was a real slap in the face. Living here is not free at all. I pay the rent and do pay repairs-some very expensive-like replacing the water heater. I didn't like her talking down to me, and have left that support group.  Even though this was a hard decision, choosing between paid and unpaid work, I think it's the right decision. I would have spent a lot of time looking back and wondering what happened if I bypassed this opportunity. It's the fork-in-the-road situation. 

Twenty years ago, I turned down a journalism job out of spite because I was the fallback candidate and I was offended-very immature but I was pretty young at the time. I have bitterly regretted that decision for the rest of my life as I opted for the safety and security of a teaching career and have had anything but.  Teaching has been the bane of my existence. In this new career, there is a possibility for me to be a technical writer also as well as a learning designer. I may be able to do wriing after all, and build technologies. Taking jobs that just don't align with this really won't help in my long-term goals.  I liked Dave Ramsey's show he intervewed someone in a similar dilemma-an unpaid internship and he had some very good advice.