First of all, Merry Christmas everybody.  I feel like you guys are my "real" family.  Today is hard.  I am alone, I got about three Christmas cards from relatives, two with nothing on them, just a family photo and not even signed, two from local businesses.  I sent out about to those people and a handful more.  Didn't hear back from quite a few.  I got no gifts, no calls.  One email from my dad saying Merry Christmas but that was it and I had sent him a nice book that wrapped and made a homemade tag.  I know he got it but he didn't include any acknowledgement of getting it or thanks.

I feel so alone and unlikeable, unloveable.  I must really suck to have no friends, no one who even wants to stop in to say hi or call or write.  I used to think it was other people but it must be me.  I've been very depressed lately anyway.  Holidays just put a punctuation mark on loneliness.  

The sad thing is, I like Christmas, I'd like to celebrate, share the holiday and exchange gifts, share a meal, and there is no one here to share any of that with me and worse yet who even wants to.

So I put my few cards on the mantel and am going to make a nice meal for myself but I feel this pressure of emptiness and pain against my chest, like right before you cry but you don't cry.  I wish I could cry.  I feel so alone.

I don't think it's fair.  I've helped so many people in my life.  Give so many gifts, sent out so many cards, I've do so effin much for others and this is what I get.  It's hard to pick myself up today, to get through the day, to think of myself as anything other than a worthless piece of unloveable sh*t.  

Suicide is always there in my mind.  And today too, on such a nice holiday.  I just feel like this is a huge sign to me that there is no point in my life anymore.  I'm not going to kill myself but I just don't know why I'm here.  I have a sister and brother and mom and dad and got nothing from any of them.  Nothing.  My parents are elderly so they have an excuse and that's ok but my mom just called me from my sisters house and didn't even say Merry Christmas to me. She just started talking about herself.

Anyway, I'm really sad and scared and I need someone to sit next to me and hold my hand and tell me I'm not actually worthless and everything is going to be ok.  But there is no one here.  That is not going to happen. And everything is not going to be ok.

Thank you for letting me express my pain here.  I truly hope you are having an nice holiday.

Hugs,

Anna