I ended up cancelling my sub job for today because I had a bad feeling about it.  I have been written up before in this district and I am going to trust my gut from now on when I don't have a good feeling about something. The school is extremely chaotic and they wrote me up for calling admin too much for behavioral issues. This school requires calling the admin a lot because of their issues...so...nevermind that.  I hate cancelling jobs because then I lose money, although I was in severe pain yesterday when I came home from work, both of my knees were killing me and in one of the legs is where I broke my leg a year ago there was a lot of bruising. 

Also, due to depression being really severe these days, my sleep is horribly disrupted. Since the big event where I was called into the district office and almost fired, I am paranoid about accepting these jobs and I wake up every night before I go to work, before my alarm goes off.  I almost fell asleep on my break from work yesterday.  So today I slept a lot and then I was literally on the phone all day. Getting your own healthcare is a full time thing.  On my new health plan, I get most of my Drs. back but I really need a neurologist, my migraines have gotten out of hand in part due to me not having meds.  It's causing me to miss work, and the depression is just getting in the way of everything, I cry all the time and then I wake up in the middle of the night on the days that I am working, and I am sleepwalking through work, and this happens day after day.  I stumble through my life. So I just felt it was really imperative that I get some care lined up.

It was really hard to find a neurologist on the website, a lot of the information was inaccurate, doctors labeled as neurologists were actually cardiologists...finally one place called me back, and they are willing to try to get the medication that works for me and samples in the meanwhile.  I was SO relieved. I really need the help becuase since losing my preventative medication, I've had severe vision loss, (temporary) and speech issues.  It scares me.

So the therapist that I am supposed to meet with on Saturday only does virtual, I really don't want that. I like to do at least most of the meetings in person, it's much easier to build a rapport with someone.  On the phone today with several potential therapists, finally it seems that I got something. There have been some really rude mental health workers and uncaring but this one it clicked. She came up on my network and on psychology today. The intake will be virtual and then I can see her in person.  I meet with her Friday evening. I was surprised she did like a mini counseling session right there on the phone and a guided meditation, and she seems pretty religious but I think this may be my person, I researched her background and she treats trauma and domestic violence and I think it clicked, plus she is just a few miles away. I think I may just cancel the Saturday morning appointment, two intakes in two days is a lot. That one is virtual and I will never meet her in person which I really don't want.  I don't know if it's worth doing both.  I had thought of doing both just in case, the Friday one is a 6 PM and I think it's too late to cancel the Sat. one by that point. IDK I have a feeling that I will go with the therapist that I am meeting Friday, she was one of the few who seemed interested enough to find out what was going on and set up an appointment.  Some of them will just brush you right off.