>> If I call the cops, my daughter will hate me.

So ... she is running the show.

First thing I would do is take the car from her and then call the cops on her and her Father for contributing..

A drinking 16 y/o with a car, violates a court order along with an alcoholic, violent permissive father ... who controls her guardian/mother .... not good ... not good at all.

Someone (besides her) needs to be in charge ... and it may end up being the court.

It's difficult. In our Country the Drinking Age is 18, but that doesn't stop younger kids from drinking. The main issue here is that your ex-Husband is playing Mind Games. Are you in Al-Anon?

Having dealt with this situation and had disastrous results, WV has a wonderful concept of "if not you, then who?", and Des has "if not now, then when?".

In our situation, we had to take the keys away from the youth driver, put the car in a safe place, after having it repaired (sigh) at our own cost. Took a few days to step back and deal with our feelings until we calmed down and faced our own issues with calm concise focus.

Ended up not saying anything to other parent (which turned out to be a positive in resolving the issue for long-term communication). The child made the choice, knowing full well that the other parent would allow this. (in other words, the child is responsible, no matter who else is involved)

Your job as a parent often realizes that in the heated moment of consequences for breaking iron-clad rules is "I hate you". That means you are doing your job as a parent. The thank you is that comment "I hate you".

I do agree with calling the cops for contributing to minor's deliquency, however, this is more serious than a one time criminal action.

If you call the cops, you are handing over a situation that will cost a lot of money, a lot of paperwork, a lot of hard, bitter feelings, and put the judicial system in charge. If this is your choice, know the consequences will be far reaching, and possibly strain your finances, your well-being, and certainly any communication with your daughter and ex-husband.

Turns out that the child had been drinking before with said parent, and the only reason it was communicated in this incident is because of the damage to the vehicle, plus the fact that the youth driver was not returning home due to their inebriated condition.

The other parent made the correct decision to keep the youth driver at their home overnight, communicated with parent waiting for the youth driver.

The drinking stopped at the other parent's home as of that night. That parent got a wake-up call when they realized just how lucky they had been that the only damage was to the vehicle, and that there were no legal consequences.

The parent law went into effect, the vehicle and keys were confiscated, the youth driver had to do community service, work to pay for the repair to the vehicle, and had to figure out how hide their drinking from both parents.

The reason I say disastrous results, is that several years later, the now older driver had a serious vehicle accident that they walked away with some scratches, some bruising, and were found stumbling around shirtless in the woods. Their vehicle was found damaged, on the side of the road. Parts of the vehicle were found attached to a commercial vehicle, and the driver of the commercial vehicle refused to answer questions so no one knows what happened.

If, and this is an only if, this is the first time the youth driver has been drinking (and you do not know whether it is or not), you can do the basic parent law. If you suspect that the youth driver has been drinking on other visits or other places, then that is a separate problem to be dealt with.

Al-Anon is a good place to go for support. You definitely need it.

Oh, and do not blame the other parent for the drinking. That will be a no-win statement of opinion, even if that is your belief. Your child is responsible for the choices they make.

Best wishes, and I hope it all turns out safe, sound, and positive for you and the family when the dust settles, and you're on the other side of this situation.

I believe that the answer is recovery rather than Jail. There's also Al-Ateen for girls her age to understand the disease her Father has.

MIDEYEBROW ..... response .... MUCH better than mine. Nicely refined.

I wouldn't involve the police in something like this. It will alienate you irrevocably from you ex husband and daughter and be a headache that probably you as the mom will end up paying for (court fees etc...)

This is a moment to step in and do some parenting and have a serious talk with your teenage daughter about drinking, drinking and driving, her father's unhealthy drinking and how it impacted your relationship with him and divorce as it sounds like it did. Impress upon her that it's unhealthy for her to drink with her alcoholic father, I know this because when I was an alcoholic I also used to drink with my alcoholic father as an adult and it just enabled us both.

If her father has the alcoholic gene, she has it too, so is more susceptible to alcoholism. My whole family are alcoholics. Use kindness rather then tough love and try to talk to your daughter and explain to her why she's not making good choices.

She may not listen to you, but at least you tried.

What Andrea said.

It sounds like letting it be for now is the least bad of all your choices.

But I would talk to her about her drinking. If she is old enough to drive then she needs to be old enough to know when she can and can't drink. And if she is subject to child custody court then odds are she is too young to drink.

I can't think of anything she could say that would let her off on this, so unless she as a real good reason for the drinking thing I'd take away her car for a set period of time. And she would NOT be allowed to drive to her dad's place by herself until she can prove that she can handle the temptation to drink.

I am very strongly of the opinion to let it go. Just let it go.

Tell your girl what you're worried about; but essentially unless he's got dangerous male friends staying the night I'd let them forge their own relationship in their own way and in their own time, without controlling it. She cant' get to know him if you play mother, and if you don't let her get to know him now, you create serious developmental problems for her. My mother hated my father's guts and the damage done to me ricocheted through the next 30 years. You really have to let it all go, and play mum to them all far more and far more positively than you ever had to when you're married.

I am now of course an ex wife and have a husband i consider insufferable; and irresponsible. I smile, say nice things, never give my kids the feeling they should not speak to or spend time with the father, and let it all go.

the incredible destruction to a girl's self esteem when you interfere with her relationship with her father is not worth the annoyance and sense of disempowerment you are feeling.

don't control it and you won't be responsible for any damage your control might do.

I would say....

1) take the keys
2) call the court authorities and let them know of his clear violation

then they will make the visitation rules even more strict to the point where you or someone you trust will have to supervise the visits. then you wont have to worry about her getting drunk with his sorry ass

What if your daughter gets a DUI after a "hair of the dog" beer the morning after a sleepover, or worse, drives that car into a telephone pole? By "cool" parent, do you mean "easy" parent? Be the "bitch" parent. Impound the keys, sell the car, if you want to be nice, buy her a bicycle, tell her when she's 18, and gets a place of her own or dorm rooms with a bunch of other drunks in college, she can do whatever the hell she wants, but for now, your house, your car, your rules.

I agree that action is needed here. And Iwould say let the court do their job and intervene. And I agree that you shoukd take the car keys and maybe even seel the car like Koolman says. YOu can drive her around until she learns enough responsibility to drive for herself. And even once she starts driving again I would not buy her her own car right away. Also talk to your daugheter about underage drinking and just drinking in general. And talk to her about her dad and how and why he ended up where he is in his life. She might not want to see him any more if she realizes you don't approve of him which would probaby make your life a whole lot easier. Good luck.

And no you are not being a bitch. This is the loving, caring, responsible thing to do as her mom. If she gets angry she gets angry. When she's an adult looking back on all of this, she will thank you for looking out for her.

Thanks for all of your advice. As it is, she spent the night and did not drive the 1 hour home until the next morning. However, because she didn't feel well, she didnt go to work, causing herself financial heartache. This momma refuses to bail her out.

Additionally. Due to our schedules, she needs her car for school and work. So, I restricted the use. No pleasure cruising, or trips to the mall etc. To and from school and work only.

Sorry pops. But if you can't be the role model your daughter needs at this time, I'm gonna take it upon myself to limit the visits. Plain and simple.

In the meantime, my daughter is rolling her eyes at my and puffing around the house. Better than being wrapped around a tree. As someone said, she's got the drinking gene in her. I'm petrified of getting that call one day. I've talked til I was blue in the face. I will continue to remind her that her choices can determine where she winds up in life. And all I can do is pray that she hears me.

Sorry, just one more thing. Don't feel like you have to in any way preserve or encourage her relationship with her father. If he is not a good influence then there really is no reason she shoud feel like she has to see him. In fact she might be relieved to know how you really feel about her dad. We had to do this with myson and his grandmother, my mom, We got to the point where we did not allow him to see her any more and he actually said he didnt' want to see her any more. Nut if we had not told him the truth about his grandmother he might have continued to feel obligated to see her. But first before you tell your daughter what you think of her dad find out how SHE feels about him. This would be a good way to get the conversation started. And good for you for the action you have already taken.