Why are portraying a false visage? What is so horrible? You can unload and rest here. Lay down that false person for a while and post about what is going on in your life. You are anonymous here. This is a supportive and caring place

This resonates powerfully with me. At this very moment my marriage of 15 years is in a rocky state due to the fact that I've withheld myself for pretty much my entire adult life. I've played the role of nice Mike, and I've been sure that the real me is horrible and unacceptable. It's completely self-defeating, and it's rooted in childhood trauma with which I've never dealt. I absolutely feared and could not trust my mom, and my dad stayed away as much as possible. In my mind it's like he wasn't even there. I learned to lie or withhold information to try and avoid my mother's rage and cruelty. I don't know the root of your issues, but I'm working hard to correct my situation before I lose my wife and son. My wife is incredibly patient and insightful, but my mistakes are piling up. I only arrived to this site yesterday. I'm hoping that opening up here and meeting people dealing with similar issues might help me actually begin to show myself and connect with others. I hope you'll find a way through this, a way to be you.

Hi Nith, just be yourself and ignore the criticisms of others. We live for ourselves in a manner that suits us. Why should we be bound to other people's wishes? Your thoughts show a lack of self-esteem, and a lack of confidence. Believe in yourself, believe in your abilities and talents. Who gives a c$&p of what other people thinks. We all have our past, and we aim to strive for a better future. Let everything that has gone past lies in the past, and look optimistically towards the future. So none of this self-doubt and don't harbour thoughts of self-persecution. All the best. Marie :)

Now do you just assume that they will hate the real you? What about you is so awful? Sometimes we just assume that people won't like us without any actual evidence of this being true

I felt exactly the same, I was an alcoholic and have depression...........................I have been sober 25 days today and for me, day by day that has all lifted, in AA they talk about us being an 'actor' on the stage and I realised that it wasn't just me and my insane thoughts, (not pushing AA or anything), we have to get out of our own heads or we will go crazy. I was putting on an act everyday, life was perfect, I was happy, made up bullshit stories, and then at night, felt ashamed and guilty. That has now passed because I realised if I kept going I would be dead, so after hitting rock bottom I reached out, AA, online zoom meetings, this site (the support I receive on here starts my day off in the best possible way), I am still on antidepressants in conjunction with my doctor, you have to be prepared to look inside yourself and start the work needed, otherwise nothing changes. We are all here for you & love the honesty, that's a great step, do a daily journal and let it all out, take care.

Congratulations on your 26 days! That is something to be very proud of.

Nith, does your wife know about your childhood trauma? Have you tried talking to a therapist with your wife? In PTSD, it is not so uncommon to feel like your putting on an act or feeling phony. Most people suffering trauma tend to try to avoid the pain.

I hid my past from my husband of almost 17 years and was successful for the most part. A more recent trauma caused old wounds to open and the traumas in my life came flooding back.. I started waking up screaming. Yelling in my sleep. When my husband asked what was wrong, I pushed him away. It wasn’t until after starting therapy, when he accidentally found my journal that I explained my past. I thought for sure that would be the end, but instead he wanted to know how to help. He will never understand the amount of pain and trauma I’ve been through, but is trying to understand. It has actually brought us closer.

What makes you horrible? Having negative thoughts that are most likely part related to your trauma? I think you will find that you are not as horrible as you think. Write down what makes you horrible and go back and challenge your thoughts. More often then not you will find that your belief is unfounded. I hope you find serenity and peace.

Hi Nith,
I’m so sorry that you feel this way. You can try to be yourself and be with people who will encourage you and accept you for who you are. I have a life group where I can be myself. They uplift me when I am down and correct me when I need to be corrected.

Keep sharing. We are here for each other. I hope things will go well with you. God bless.

I was the exact same way. I am with someone who I have been with for a year and he never knew that I wasn't myself. He just found out on Sunday who I really am and I was afraid to let him in on the real me. But once I let him know the real me it felt like a weigh was lifted off my shoulders and I could finally be the true me around him.