So I have been avoiding friends for a really long time now.  I am not sure why.  It is probably something that I should unpack more in therapy, I've been doing a lot of work in therapy.

I'm not sure exactly what happened or where I was put off/turned off. I think it was around the time just before the pandemic and then going into it that, and even slightly before, that I was beginning to feel weird about the relationships with my friends. It just seemed like things were getting more and more negative.  When lockdown started, it really got intense. The zoom meetings became the focus of anger and rage.

Since we are back into life as normal for the most part, there are still problems. One of our friends is super controlling, likes to argue, and starts drama.  Another one just feels controlling to me.  I have backed off so much that it feels very distant. After one of the zoom meetings where I was crying, one of our friends sent me like a several paragraph explanation of all of her problems in her life in response. I just felt so invalidated and disregarded, as well as overwhelmed. And though I like her, I've been avoiding her since then.

A lot of hangouts over the past year have been pretty negative.  The last time I went hiking my friend was complaining that I didn't even get out of my car fast enough.  It's like it's impossible.  I really prefer to hang out with people in which it's easygoing, like it isn't work or pulling teeth.  I just don't know what to think.