Any input at all is welcome

Um, an affair is never justified. If you want out of the marriage, get out and then sleep with whoever you want. Just saying.

Are things otherwise okay in the relationship? Physical affection? (Nothing will kill sex faster than if that's the only physical affection in the relationship.)

There is a reason for a sexless marriage (probably many). The problem is only she knows what it is. It really shouldn't, but it can take a LOT of professional work to find out ... and then fix it. That help would come from a professional therapist.

It is possible it cannot change. You then have an ethical problem ... but in my opinion, .. grounds for a divorce.

An affair is a pretty bad idea. It usually makes things worse.

Its easy to throw around words like fault and cause. When a woman goes through a hysterectomy a large part of what made her a woman is cut from her body and tossed in the medical waste been. I know men think they are understanding and caring and such about it....but you haven't got a clue. Just the fact that you think "taking a pill" will fix it, says you haven't got a clue. I wonder how men would deal if we cut off and out everything that made you feel like a man and just left you with a hollowed out penis....what would sex be to you then.

For some women, life after a hysterectomy is hell, hormones don't get regulated, moods aren't able to be controlled, life doesn't go back to normal....it's not their fault, it's not their choice and it's not what a Dr. told them it be like after 4-6 weeks post surgery recuperation.

You think she should just jump in bed and "go through the motions" so you'll be happy. Meanwhile she's trying to make since of a body that doesn't feel like hers anymore, trying to adjust to not feeling pretty or sexy or any way feminine, trying to get through the day in one emotional piece, deal with life, and a husband who's not the least bit understanding, a home to take care of and all the other crap we deal with in a day, without just giving up.

Since all your problems seem to be your wife's fault, and she won't be an automated sex machine to your liking, you'd probably be doing her a favor if you did file for Divorce and left her alone. I can't imagine her life is any easier having to deal with you and your caveman ideals.

There is also another group on here where there are ALOT of us dealing with sexless marriages. I have been married for 15 years (the last 10 plus with NO affection, or any physical touch.....with the exception of an occasional peck here or there)

Wandering Vet is right.... there are MANY reasons. Unfortunately, I am finding alot of times the one who no longer wants or needs sex does not usually want to change ....it is up to us. I am amazed at how loyal and forgiving some spouses can be...but they still have much more in their relationships. Like you, I also have little communication and in my case I have been giving and doing while receiving very little (no sex, communication, or help of any kind)

I tried following his lead for awhile and simply shutting down, going through the motions, but for me it is no way to live. I had absolutely nothing to look forward to and dreaded each new day, I have checked into a divorce although he is against it. (He wants his cook, maid, nurse, roommate.... but no wife)

Oldercperson is right. I believe she probably summed up what your wife is going through. That being said, that doesn't excuse the issue of ignoring things...making nice and believing all is hunky dory without ever dealing with a problem or any kind of compromise or apology.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

PS.. there are other groups you may want as well...SEXLESS MARRIAGE, HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS, HEALTHY SEX

I agree with some of the ideas above. Having a hysterectomy can be a big game changer in the composition of a females body. Our body's are powered by hormones, not just sexual either, and if those are off balance or in her case not being produced naturally anymore that can affect labido, positive thinking, behavior, reactions and so much more.

I understand the frustration of trying to communicate with someone who simply doesn't know how or refuses to reveal personal emotions and can never say sorry.
Your patience so far is great & I would say maybe look into ways to communicate with this type of sealed off person. Maybe she is feeling very self conscious about her body and isn't dealing with it well. She may not even understand what she is feelin right now, just that she isn't. She may need your support now more than ever. I don't think having an affair is the solution, nor will it fix your problem with your wife whom you sleep with each night. Getting a divorce seems extreme unless the sex is the only reason you fell in love with her in the first place, which I highly doubt or you wouldn't be seeking advice. Focus on the things you love about her. research ways on how to communicate with her or understand what her body may be goin through with this new change.
If you can find a way or ways to communicate then it may be very small baby steps in getting her to have sex with you. If you cannot find a way to verbally communicate with her maybe you could try writing how you are feeling down, in a less blameful and neutral sort of way...just your confusion, sexual frustration, hurt, and desires for you and her. Then sit On it for a couple of days, reread it after, make changes if need be, then give it to her. Be sure to convey how she is the one you want tho, or she may feel betrayed and close completely off from you.

I am super sorry for your challenge right now. That is definitely tough. Hang in there.

Also, if you do get to the intimate part again I would recommend making it all about her getting satisfied. I know that may be super hard for you when you haven't had sex for years, but it will make her want more and not feel like she didn't miss anything all those years.

Just be open-minded that there may be something you don't know about going on or went on in her life that you are unaware of.

I am in the same exact situation but I am a woman. I want to have an affair. He actually told me I could. I don’t understand how some people are wired. I won’t leave him because we have kids - is that a good reason? There is really nothing left for me in this marriage anymore but he makes it even worse by turning it around on me and being defensive. I have never nagged him about anything but becoming closer and more intimate. I wonder why people like this wil defend to the death their right to neglect and have no physical contact. It boggles my mind.

I also think they are mentally ill to be like this.

First, do not discuss the sex issue headon, she will simply say this is my problem not yours, sorry.

Several things to do. Work out, get in better shape with nicer clothes. Change your schedule, let her be a little jealous. Determine what things are important to her, and start creating an issue with them- she likes to go to her mother's Sunday nights, cancel at the last minute. You want to have a fight which includes a number of issues in the marriage including sex. She needs to understand that there is a whole package,including intimacy. Once the subject is discussed, then you can review how you can better satisfy her or address other concerns.

Imagine a husband having an affair who says, well ignore my going out with a girlfriend twice a week and let's discuss the rest of our marriage. His wife would presumably say you can't and here too, your wife needs to understand the marriage is a package.

To me, .. the big controversy is 'For better or worse'. I may be rationalizing (probably am), but two people marry .... they marry each other ... the two beings at the time. If there is a BIG change in one of them, the marriage CAN become null and void. I think the vow is between two people as they are ... or known to be, at the time the vow is taken. Either one does a BIG change ... and it is off.

That's just me.

They marry, .. he or she later becomes a hopeless alcoholic or compulsive gambler, or even mentally ill. He certainly CAN stay with her, .. but he certainly would not be expected to .... is what I am trying to say.

The 'vows' were to each other ... as the people they were perceived to be at the time.

@wanderingvet.... That is what has kept me here (in a sexless marriage) for so long.(15 yrs) That....and the fact that SO VERY MANY women STILL (as well as all in my dysfunctional family from both grandmothers on down to my cousin, sister and myself) were all led to believe that we are to be loving, caring, giving...but never told we deserve to be treated the same.

My stbx is from the old school I think (where the men think once the ring is on the finger...all is good and assured forever, .....no further attention or work is required.) I have come across many with very strong marriages still with lots of love and spouses who try to focus on the good. Unfortunately mine has been very one sided and I have grown very tired of giving all and getting little to nothing back.

So now I do struggle so to not feel shame and guilt for having enough and finally decided I want to be a little selfish. (I do still have alot of love to give....I just want to be able to feel some myself)

@wanderingvet: What about "in sickness and in health" those are also part of the wedding vows, although now days people tend to write their own and take out whatever parts they find to hard to keep.

I was raised Southern Baptist, to believe in and keep our Marriage Vows.....

I stayed with my ex-husband for 27 years, through his 4 affairs, through his functioning alcoholism, supported my family financially when he couldn't keep a job for more than 6 months at a time. Because I though it was important to keep my family together, we didn't sleep in the same room for the last 2 years of our marriage, my children were more important than sex. In my 27 years of marriage I had 30 surgeries, managed 7 Chronic Illnesses and Diseases, beat Cancer twice and was still the breadwinner for my family, paid for our homes, kept Health Insurance on our family, kept my sons fed and clothed. My husband didn't do squat.

I divorced him after I saw my 10 yr olds Journal one day; it did not describe a happy life at the time. That was all I needed to know it was no longer time to keep my marriage vows. My children and their happiness was the only thing worth any importance to me.


By your standards if people should give up on their marriages just because things get tough or one of them have a life changing event...why the heck even marry in the first place. Because one thing you can be assured of is life is hard and it will throw you curve balls. There are definite guarantees that things will not remain calm and cozy.

Your rationalization is insane.... "Sorry hun, you have cancer, that wasn't in the Vows, I'm out of here!" Really??? Wait, babe, you started smoking...nope I didn't agree to that, I'll take my divorce now...???? By your standards there would be no marriages, just contracts with escape clauses built in.

I agree with OlderC completely.