Depression Support Group
Depression is a real and debilitating condition that is often misunderstood by family and friends. Its meaning can range from a prolonged period of sadness to an actual mental illness with specific symptoms. Find and share experiences with others who are going through the same struggles.
For reasons I won't go to far into I have been living a sexless marriage and when I try to broach the topic with my wife she either brushes it off or gets upset with me over nothimg within a few hours.She is among the poorest communicators I know. Then she does soemthing nice and it's all supposd to be back to normal. She can't even say "I'm sorry "for the little things anymore. Much less deal with the anger I fell, the abadonoment, the hurt because she didn't feel like taking a pill or going through the motions until it worked. But most of all is the self loathing I feel for letting this happen to me, to us. How is she ever going to deal with that, I barely can. I want the marital; bed back and I'll make no apologies for it. But it's about many things not just sex, although sex matters. Man I'm telling you since her hysterectomy this womn can freeze water in minutes. I get that part but, there are solutions she won't try , or at least not for long. I mean it's been YEARS! I hate myself for allowing that and still being here. what the fuck is wrong with me? If we ever discuss it ( another thing she typically refuses to do) I don't know how all of these feelings will come out or how she will handle them , knowing she's at fault. Christ if a man did this to a woman anthing she did including an affair would be justified
Anyone ever try to talk about this much self loathimg with someone who helped cause it? any advise?
Grounds for divorce ... in my book.
I did not say 'Divorce your wife if she gets sick'. I said if things drastically change, the vows CAN become null and void ... ETHICALLY speaking. Some can put up with affairs. I say you don't have to. I suggest you think before you attack me or any other member on DS. Feel free to state your opinion but an attack can get you banned. Got that??
I guess I can't get mature answers to complex problems for people over 50 here.
So if in the future you want to play "hard confrontation" ( which is out of style by the way) some of us are truely very, very depressed and unkind words could put someone over the edge sometime. Just think before you type.
Yeah, you did mention an affair. Simply re-reading your post you'd see that.
None of us here are experts or pretending to be. It's a peer support group, people will not always agree with you. That's part of it.
Quite a few of the responses, including Vet, OlderC and I are over 50.
I won't speak for anyone else, but YES I actually have had friends that have dealt with this issue...from both sides. I've seen marriages put back together and ones that should have ended decades earlier.
My experience, some men don't understand how sex starts outside of the bedroom for 95% of women. As we get older, more men have sexual dysfunction (BPH/prostate issues). But there are work-arounds for people who otherwise have strong relationships.
So she's not talking to you. Some questions:
1) Is the relationship otherwise equal? (you do 50% of cleaning the bathrooms, etc)
2) Can both of you express emotions like anger without yelling, or dismissing feelings?
3) Can you name her favorite food? color? music?
What do you do for her when she's hurting? angry? lonely?
4) Can she name your favorite food? color? music?
What does she do for you when you're hurting? angry? lonely?
Work on these things FIRST.
Sex isn't some marital right.
I did take the vows...for better or worse, in sickness and health...til death us do part. but for the stbx, once the ring was on....his work and responsibility seemed to be over. It was smooth sailing from then on. For me, it was do this....get that... don't forget my...... and all of this the second my big toe hit the floor.(after working all day) I tried and gave and did all til there was nothing left.
I do appreciate hearing that maybe i do deserve a chance to be a little "selfish" and think of what i also need. Thank you.
"I don't love you anymore". "Well, too bad, we took vows."
'fraid not.
So thank you and I had no idea women went through this . My record for resisting a woman I was in a relationship is like once in a row! LOL Another reason that my wife probably cannot understand the effect her unilateral choice to simply end an important part of life has on me. And of course it's not just about sex, it's about communication, touch, pillow talk , all of that and more. When I try to talk about it she is quiet and then lashes out at me over something stupid within 24 hours, I even predicted the last one! So we have a vacation coming up soon and we'll see what happens. I'll drop back and let you know. I'm pretty depressed all the way around anyway so maybe I'll drop in once in a while. Thanks
You may want to check out HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS........AND HEALTHY SEX. (When I first went on them, I told them I didn't have either....but I did want to someday..... I also was welcomed there.)
PS From the Sexless Marriage Group I did learn the same as you. You mentioned not realizing women went through this too. I had no clue that men were affected just as deeply as we women when we are ignored, discounted or no longer even touched by our "partners" I never knew your self esteem, confidence and egos took as bad of a hit as ours.
Good luck. (Hope we do run across you again.)
My next question was...how is the physical relationship otherwise. Because even though hormones, BPH, diabetes, side effects from medication, and many other "sicknesses" can happen in a marriage...we all still have hands, and feet, arms and legs.
When other forms of closeness are lacking, there's often other issues going on. That's why I asked if the OP knew what comforted her wife, if she knew how to comfort him, essentially whether there was a healthy emotional relationship.
Neither of these two questions were ever answered...so it makes me wonder.
I didn't even bring up the possibility of an emotionally abusive relationship...but that's another whole level of issues with different solutions. And another reason why sex should never be considered a "right". (The bad old days when marital rape didn't "exist".)
At the end of my marriage, my ex was drinking heavy, coming home drunk and slurring "wanna do it". The answer was no. Honestly, in a desperate wish to feel physically close to him...I said yes way, way, way too often. I grew to associate sex with deep emotional pain. It was a bad cycle, that he took no responsibility in creating. Called it "my" problem. And claimed that I was cutting him off.
Ten years later...he's apologized and recognized that he created the situation. We're not a couple, and never will be again, but we are friends. (I never asked him to apologize. Quite frankly it really makes no difference to me anymore. But he felt like he needed to clear the air.)
That said...should physical affection and emotional connection be a part of marriage...absolutely!
I wish you absolutely the best, Patti