Hi CJAngel, I'm sorry you're struggling with these issues, and glad you were able to post about them here. It sounds like you've had a lot of responsibility for a long time, and now you have to spend your energy on taking care of you. I know you don't have insurance, but most communities in the US have clinics that will help people on a sliding fee scale. If you dial 211 you'll get united way in your area and they can give you resources for therapy that may be affordable.

Also that's frustrating that your bf and brother don't listen to you. I think that people that haven't dealt with depression often just don't get what it's like.

Feel free to message me if you'd ever just want to vent about things. ((hugs))

Can you apply for assistance from the county you live in? This will allow you to get meds. and a therapist, no cost to you. Getting meds, is the most important thing here. Insurance does not pay for therapy.....Who did you go to when you were diagnosed? Call them, and see what they can do. You have to find out who can help you. I do not think you are whineing, not at all. That's why we are on this web-site, to get advice and support from each other. You are not alone....

Hello CJAngel
Im sorry to know youre going through tough times

first of all , I dont think you should care much about what the doctors diagnosed you with , science is a great thing , I absolutely love it but science can not always understand us entirely and doctors go and give us all those bad names of diseases and prescript medication
and thats when things really start to go down
you start taking medication , things seem to get a little better and then shortly later things go bad again , things get a little better then shortly later go bad again and this goes on forever
until the person makes the decision to fight things by their on without any meds

the solution meds give are only temporary for such problems that can last forever
which means theyre only illusions
no real progress can be taken away from someone !

so you have issues with depression
and only you know the sources of your depression
if you havent fought them before , you should begin
if you have and gave up , you should start again
failures are part of the process of gaining knowledge and strength to try harder next time
but only if you allow yourself to be positive

if you carry negativity in your head
its not only getting you down but also keeping you from seeing the better ways you can take so you can finally start to make some real progress , so you should start facing the wall of negativity that is in your head , each day can be a battle agaisnt negative and bad thoughts but once you start fighting and persisting , they will go away and the wall will be broken
and youll be free to start seeing life from another angle
to have the freedom to build a new life within yourself

building some positivity is not about saying things are okay
in fact real positivity is nothing like that
its about telling yourself you can do something
that even people think you cant
one secret I tell you ( if your idea of being positive was about telling things are okay or can be okay without you fighting and struggle for things , which is what most people think , that idea is completely wrong , telling yourself things are okay is a way of hiding from facing things and that allows those things to grow bigger and stronger , you can make a progress without fighting , real progresses dont come easy , fake ones do and also go easily )

if you manage to break that wall of negativity and build positivity inside you , youll be able not only to feel better about yourself but also to see solutions you couldnt see before
and to see how much strong you can be
if you try and persist , always believing in yourself
because you actually can

you can much more than you might imagine
and I hope one day youll see it too

take care
and I hope my words were useful to you
they were as sincere as the singing of the birds in the morning

have a good and productive week !

Hi CJ - Your story could have been written by me. I've always taken care of everyone from my mother, siblings, kids, husbands, friends...everyone...both financially and emotionally. I have always been the strong one, the one everyone could count on. I've struggled with depression for the last few years, but this year I had a major breakdown, lost my job, my money, my insurance, and could no longer help anyone, even myself. I am still picking up the pieces months later after a suicide attempt and 2 psych hospitalizations.

I have had to move in with my mom and daughter, living on the couch, because I don't have a job. So I can feel your pain. I couldn't see my pdoc or therapist because I owed them money that I couldn't pay and didn't have insurance. I finally found our local "Community Services Board", and they provide counseling for low income or people without insurance. It only costs $5 per session here in Virginia. I also got my old pdoc to write me my prescriptions for a year, and there are drug manufacturers websites that will provide you with the meds for free or at a very low cost. If you need it, message me, and I will give you the link. It's all legit. You can find it on the social security website.

Anyway, the main thing I've had to do is accept that I can't really control anything anymore, that I have to give myself a chance to heal, and I have to let others help me. It's been very hard and makes me feel worthless and useless and like I'm a burden. But it came down to that being my only solution.

I wish I could help you more, but maybe something I have written will give you hope. I am just now starting to have occasional days when I feel like getting out of bed (or off the couch). Be good to yourself, and feel free to message me if you want to talk or vent. Hugs!!! Tracy

Angel_grace, I was diagnosed while in boot camp. I thought enlisting in the Navy would be a good idea. They just turned me away.

As for suggestions of finding help on a low-fee or sliding scale fee, I have no income with which to get help. I did seek out help. I went to our local Mental Health facility. But they couldn't help me.

I thought I had faced my demons down. I thought I had overcome them. Recent family struggles have made things worse.

Everyone still looks to me as the strong one. I don't want to be the strong anymore. I want to be looked after.

You sound like the type of person who can't say no. Could it be that this is the root of your problem? If so, start saying no to the things that others ask of you. It will be hard at first, but it will get easier the more you do it.

I had a counselor at school who told me that was a major problem. But that's one of the things I do that actually makes me feel like I'm making a difference. More often then not, though, I end up with the short end of the stick.