P.S.
GM You said I was honest. Well. I am, but I obviously have lied, and believe me, I am still paying for it.

I'm really so amazed by your courage in posting this. I think that after all you've went through you are such a survivor!! I'm so glad you could get this out and post it! I am so sorry you went through all this, I think it's neglectful that they didn't try to keep helping you after the hospital. I hope you can see that this isn't your fault. You were obviously dealing with some extremely traumatic issues when you had the break down. It was such a huge loss to lose all those people at once... I can see why you're in so much pain, ((hugs)) i still believe you can rebound, even from all this

Thank you chelle, I can't even tell you how big this is for me. I don't think I have even told my Doctor half of that. I saw her for a long time just for meds and told her as little as possible. It was after I hit one of my bottoms and ended up turning all of the guns in my house over to the police, that I started seeing her for therapy, and I haven't even done that in a couple of months. No one in my family knows what happened. Just that "falling out" thing. After the Ledge thing my Therapist transferred me to another center. But I never went. That's why they didn't try anymore. They thought I was going to that other place. I don't blame them for anything. It was all me. I miss having a place to go, and I miss being around people who understand my illness. But those places don't exist anymore. At least not for me. I'm so alone. I can go weeks without talking to anyone at all. I think that alone can make a person crazy. Thank you for making me feel some kind of connection. Seriously Thank you. I have a tear. Didn't know I could feel. wow. Is that good?

It's so good, really good that you are feeling something! I do think being alone too much can make a person crazy we all need connection. I hope you can keep connecting with people here who understand. How do you like the therapist you saw recently? I think you should print this out or copy and paste it in your journal, so you have it in case at some point you would be willing to share it with a therapist.

I think your right, I should save it. Although I would be paranoid about someone reading it. Yeah, like having it on a public internet site is much safer. God.
I think my Doctor is okay. I have never been as good with female therapist for some reason, but that's one reason I chose her. I didn't want to get too close. At first I just wanted meds and that was it, but after the gun thing, she offered to be my therapist, which she doesn't do too much. So I started seeing her. Last time I went in I got the impression that she didn't thing I was trying hard enough. Which is probably true. So I figured that until I could get off my ass and start doing better, I wasn't going to waste her time.

You're not wasting her time KoKoah, and it sounds like the place you're in right now getting yourself to a therapy session to talk at all is trying. If you don't feel like you're connecting with her though, do you think it would help to switch therapists?

Maybe. I'm sure there is a better fit out there, But right now I'm just not in the place to where I would feel safe enough to find one. Like you said, just getting to her is trying. I think the best thing that could happen to me is if I could just move far away from here. Where I wouldn't be afraid of being seen by anyone in my old life. Just start over. I think about that all the time, but my kids are here, and they like it. And since they are the only thing I live for....I'm kinda stuck.
I just realized how one sided this whole thing has been. It's all been about me. Believe it or not, in "real life" I'm not so selfish. When I hugged you back I did read a bit of your info. And you would make your AA people proud tonight. Giving back and all that. Thank you. I so needed this I think.

That totally makes sense that for now to just go to her. And who knows once you open up a little to her maybe it will be a good fit. And maybe a move could be good for your whole family, i guess that's not something you have to figure out tonight. i can tell you're not selfish, so don't worry about that. And thanks for your kind words, they mean a lot!

No problem.
I guess I will try and get some sleep, for some reason I feel emotionally drained. But I think it's in a good way. Thanks again. Maybe next time you should charge a fee. : )

LOL, if we started charging fees for anything around here I'd be in trouble, i'd owe some people some serious cash. It's not surprising that getting all that out there wore you out. I really hope you get some peaceful sleep tonight!

Wow. Just wow. I have just finished reading the replies from where I left off (haven't been here since then until now or else I would have been in on the discussion) and I am so incredibly moved by what you have written.
Honey, it is no wonder that you are feeling what you are and my heart TOTALLY goes out to you. You have been absolutely traumatized by what happened! Of course you feel altered. Anybody would if they had gone through what you have. It makes what you have shared before so much clearer...but it also makes you sooooooooooooooo much more precious in my eyes. It really does! This world without you in it would be a tragedy. An utter tragedy. To lose somebody with such a depth of soul and spirit would be beyond horrible.
I TOLD you that you have much to offer this world. I KNEW I was right!
After that night, life must seem almost surreal to you right now. It would to me. As if nothing is real or solid. I soooooooo get where you are coming from now. Please keep sharing.
I am so glad that you are seeing a therapist. I pray also that one day you will be set free of the nightmare of what happened to you. But not in death. In THIS life.
I think it would do you a lot of good to print out what you have written here and show it to your therapist when you are feeling safer. In the meantime, keep posting here.
I am so sorry you have had to suffer so and hope that you are feeling a bit of relief from sharing what you have carried inside you for so long.
I'll be checking on you again soon.

Thanks Survyvor. I sent you a hug before I even knew you replied again. I does feel a bit cleansing, and chelle did a great job of supporting me, but I have to admit I'm feeling a little paranoid too. I have just kept it all in for so long and I know it's not something you would just talk about in every day conversation. People can judge pretty harshly. When I was in the hospital I remember it being more about punishing me, rather than helping me. I understand why everyone was so mad, my actions were pretty stupid, and I know they didn't realize how messed up I was. (no excuse) I still haven't been able to forgive myself and I know that keeps me stuck.

Not quite sure where to go from here.

To your Doctor

That's terrible that the hospital was more about punishing you then helping you. What happened happened because it sounds like you were trying to work through some major past traumas with your therapist and your therapist pushed you too hard, and the lie you told was self protective because you didn't feel safe going there yet. I don't think your actions were "stupid" it was self preservation for you at the time. And the things that happened in the hospital happened because you had hit a breaking point and weren't in a rational frame of mind. That's my opinion anyway, I know that it's easier said then done, but I just don't think there's anything you have to forgive. I think you basically did the best you could with the coping skills you had at the time.

As far as where to go from here, if you'd feel safe doing so I do think it would be a good time to act, call the therapist, take the post you wrote in, and share it with her. I think you've been keeping that in for a long time, and getting support around it is really important. I am so glad you could share everything last night and really hope this is just a beginning for you in a process of healing from this and feeling better. You so deserve that!