I don't know if something triggered this but you wrote long post because u needed to be heard by someone....anyone. I don't know why but this post really worried me. I hope you have someone to talk to because you sound very down.

Hi KoKoah, I agree with Charliegirll, It sounds like you're really down and I'm concerned about you too. With the other posts you wrote, you just never know who may have benefited from reading what you had to share. It may be that it helped someone who isn't comfortable know that they are not alone. Everyone has gifts to give to the world, it's your depression trying to convince you otherwise.

Did something happen that made you feel so down on yourself? I hope you'll keep hanging in there and share what's going on. ((hugs))

dood -
you being here - is a gift to us

your someone who > gets it <
see ?

your needed here
your loved here

got kids ? feel bad for them ?
good - cause it means your aware of things - and your not ignorant -
your intelligent enough to know you have a set back -
and your intelligent enough to know to keep your children safe

my view : your awesome
your honest

is there anything more beautiful than honesty ?

a mother that is loving and honest to their children - i wish i had that

we love you KoKoah

Hi Hon
Are you saying that you have been writing on these boards and then deleting it before we get a chance to support you? Please, if that is what you have been doing then it would be nice if you could vent away right now and let us help you through what you seem to think is crap. Nothing you have to say is crap. Your feelings are not crap. Get some walking in, get your adrenaline going and sit down and write to us so we can help. These people that you are talking about, these innocent people, they need you and you are the person that is going to make them happy. Keep that in mind.
Please write to us.

Writing it out really does help. But having someone else read it helps even more
Even if you don't feel safe enough to put it on the general discussion board why not put it in your journal so that your friends can offer you some advice about the situation.
please consider even letting in one person. it will help

you have to keep trying for those innocent people. they need you. they will always need you

I hear ya, depression is a bitch. I hope you;ll tell your doctor how you're feeling, you don't HAVE to suffer like this. And I think it's pretty awesome you have kids - I have no one

I do that also. I will write a post or a journal and then delete it. Sometimes the simple act of writing it helps me get my thoughts in order. You have a right to post what you want. You may not help everyone on here, but there may be just that one person who was waiting to here what you had to say. Try leaving your post up for them.

Thanks guys. I'm still here. I just couldn't do it. At least not now. My love is stronger than my pain right now. That's not always the case, but that's what's keeping me here at the moment. It's funny because for just a little while I had this sense of peace and knew it was going to be over soon, and it gave me a bit of a break. But now I'm back to facing this life of pure hell. And it is hell sometimes. I really do feel like I'm already dead and there's nothing I or anyone else can do about it. I made my bed of thorns, and now I have to lay in it.

I don't know the back story on what all has happened to bring you so much pain, and I'm sorry you're suffering. I'm so glad though that the love you have for your kids is stronger and that you are still with us. I really hope you're getting some help in trying to sort all this out, whatever it is it can always change and get better.

Just because you made a bed of thorns does not mean that you have to sleep in it. You can get up and go sleep in another bed. Or take away the thorns and replace it with a warm blanket instead.
You have much to offer to this world. You have something to give that no one else can. And that is YOU.
What you feel is important. What you say is important. YOU are important, although you may not feel that way right now. You know as well as I do that depression lies like a sonofabitch and NOTHING that it says is true. Nothing!
I get that you are tired. I soooooooooo get it. Sit your burden down for a minute. You do not have to keep carrying everything around, on your own. Share what's going on with you. I'll pick up some of your load so it's not so heavy.
You are precious, simply because you are you. Not because of what you do or what you have. You are precious.
Now, write a very, very long post and then post it. I would really like to hear what you have to say.
I'm glad you're still here. Do me a favor and remain on this earth. You are needed.
You never know. You just may have the words that will save the life of another. So, speak and let us hear you.
Hang in there.

I hear what you guys are saying. I really do. I just look at things a lot differently. I look at death differently. I honestly feel like if my kids could go inside my head for one day, they would say, Mom I love you and it's okay, you can go. I feel like they would say that, because that's what I would say. I have lost a lot of people to death, some of them suicides. I think I was the only person who could feel happy for them. I was happy that they were no longer suffering. And I admit that I was and am jealous as hell. I know that they did everything they could, everything they knew how to do. I am not into prolonging a life if that life is a painful one. Yes, Some people can be helped. Maybe even most, I don't know. And for a long time I had the best "help" anyone could ask for, Got me through many years of ups and downs. But I blew it all to hell. Now. I have to live with it (or without it, what ever)
I know the pain of losing someone you love. It hurts like a bitch, and it hurts for a long long time. And I don't want that for my kids. They have had more than their share already. But as bad as losing someone hurts, living like I am right at this moment, is a lot worse I promise. I am always amazed when someone kills them selves and there is no one around but me who knows exactly why they did it. Every one is always so pissed off at the person. You would think that in this day and age there would be more understanding. But there's not. And there is no way to explain it. Unless you have closed your eyes thinking it would be the last time, I guess you just can't know.
There...An example of one of my little rants. If you can find any good that can come from it. Let me know. Because once again I just feel like apologizing.

You don't have to apologize at all, that's what the board is for is venting. I know I'm not in your shoes, and I have only experienced my experience. For me though, I spent a long time praying every night I wouldn't wake up the next day. I really considered taking action, but was the same way as far as not wanting to do that to the people I loved. Things have changed so much in my life,and in ways I never could have planned or predicted. The most I had hoped for back then was to want to want to be alive. That was about 5 years ago, and it's gotten better and better until now where most days I can say I'm happy. So, I do have hope for you, because I know that I was certain things would never be as good as they are now. Can I ask what it is that happened that you "blew it all"? If you don't want to say I understand, but I'm wondering if it's something where you're being unfairly harsh with yourself? If you could imagine being in a place where you were happy or at least content, what would have to change in your life?

I so get where you are coming from. I really do.
What you are saying is valuable. It brings another perspective and that is good.
May I ask how it is that you are living that is so bad and hurts so much? I'd like to know more about you.
What kind of help did you have that you lost and why do you have to live with/without it? Was it a particular person, like a spouse or partner or best friend? I'm not trying to get in your business....just want to understand more so I will know better how to support you. I
You love your children. Isn't loving them worth wanting to be on this earth, as painful as other aspects of your life are?
Keep talking. I'm still listening.:)
Spill it!

I agree with what everyone here is saying, please feel free to vent and express yourself. Know that your depression is lying to you big time. When my depression gets that bad I just try and stop listening to what my head is telling me, because I know it is pathological lying and bullying. Sometimes I put my hands over my ears and sing "La la la la" to drown out the shouting voice in my head that wants to be mean to me and put me down and discourage me. Then I try and get active - go for a walk to release some of the stress. Then some sort of distraction - a computer game, a movie/dvd, book, etc. Whatever works. Just stop listening to what Depression is saying, because it only lies.

Please keep talking to us here. It does help to have a safe place to vent where people really get it and care.

You want it.....Oh God, Here goes.....It is a long story, but okay.

The help I had was an entire Mental Health Community. The best support system in the world. Personal Therapy with the best of the best, a day program with groups and classes that fit in with where ever your function level happened to be. If I was too bad to go in they understood, but encouraged me to get in as soon as I felt up to it. I had case managers to help me with finances because when I was manic I would spend everything I had and then some, When I was too depressed I would space off paying my bills, so they nipped that in the bud. I had a place to go, and people to relate to. I could never work for very long periods at a time, but when I could I would. And they supported me through all of it. I was with them for almost twenty years. They were there for me through a custody battle, many deaths in my family, and so much more. They really were like family. And I am so grateful for that time. They made me a better person and a better mother, they gave me a reason to get out of my house,(other than my kids) and try my best to have a life worth living.
I feel bad for the local mental health community now because due to some really (in my opinion) evil greedy people, that entire program was completely shut down along with four others and the lay offs of over a hundred mental health workers. After that more mentally ill people landed in the ER's and Jails and the suicide rate went up 17%. .....Okay I kind of got off track.
I messed up my place in that program a year or two BEFORE they were shut down. I'm just really pissed off for my friends and the other people effected. I know I need to get over it.
Anyway....Back to me and "what I did" I think it started when me and my therapist started talking about things that in my at that time over twenty years of therapy had NEVER talked about. I just kind of blocked a lot of things out and for what ever reason they started coming up, and therapy got REALLY intense. I started reliving things. Life got more and more intense, So intense that one day I was feeling really uncomfortable about what we were talking about so this lie came out of my mouth, My intention was to stop the conversation, but as any lie does it got out of hand when I had to lie again to cover that lie, Keep in mind I am the Worst liar on the planet. I didn't want to cop to the lie because I didn't want to go back to that horrible issue, but my therapist was not an idiot, so he pushed it. And something in my brain snapped. I knew that I had poisoned the relationship. I felt like I was living in a dream nothing was real. I started doing things totally not like me, it was like I was watching myself but didn't feel like I was in control. I remember on nigh I was walking into traffic, I can't tell you if I was suicidal, I don't remember a lot during that time. A lot of black out type stuff (which I never believed in until then) I don't remember how long this crazy state went on, but I knew I couldn't trust myself to go into the center. So I stayed home. Of course they called and called and came to my House and did everything they could to get me to go in. So I did. I remember I had at least two appointments that day. Not sure if I made one, But I know I didn't make it to my Therapist. I just remember having to wait. And while I was waiting. I wandered out to this balcony. And then I was out on the ledge just like that. I don't know if I was going to jump, or what, I just thought of climbing higher and when I couldn't I just remember I was wearing a scarf and the wind blew it off and I watched it float down. And all of the sudden I was back inside sitting on the floor in handcuffs. But I was looking at myself from above. (Yes it's psychotic) then I was on a gurney. I to this day don't remember the trip to the Hospital, I don't remember the ER, But I do remember being on the psych ward and talking to my therapist on the phone. I can't even write about the conversation because it's still so painful. But.....I never saw anyone from the center again. Other than my kids they were my life. And all of them were gone overnight. I never talked to the "professionals" again, I never talked to any of my friends from he center again. (And I had a lot of them). I was so humiliated, I was so traumatized, I was so messed up. And then...I was so alone. Alone like I have never felt in my life. I left the Hospital after maybe a week or two. I never told my kids what had happened. Just that I had a "falling out" I think they were out of state with their Dad at the time. Not sure. Anyway. I got out of the hospital, went cold turkey off all my meds, stopped leaving my House. Stopped associating with people, stopped everything. All the while trying to act "okay" in front of my kids who obviously had emotionally lost their Mom, and was now left to fend for themselves as far as shopping and anything that required me leaving the house. They were in their late teens, so they dealt with it, but I know it had to have done some damage.
losing someone to death is so hard. But I feel like I lost an entire community. It was worse than them dying because they were still out there. I was so embarrassed and ashamed that I couldn't be seen in public, I couldn't stand the thought of running into even one of them. It turned into a ptsd situation. I was paralyzed by fear of ever seeing any of them again. I started to think that I was a monster. I couldn't look into mirrors anymore. I stopped wearing makeup because I thought it was like the whole "makeup on a pig" thing. I wouldn't let anyone take my picture anymore, I cried every day for at least two years. The sense of loss was to big for words. I lived that one day over and over and over. still live it some times. I thought being suicidal was as low as a person could get. I was so wrong. And how I lived through those first few years, I will never know. My kids. That's it. It's been about five years now. And even writing this I'm thinking...What if one of "them" is reading this? Always looking over my shoulder. I know my thinking about the whole situation is really messed up, I just can't make sense of any of it. What a mess I made.
I eventually moved a couple of miles away, and I don't cry every day anymore, and I do leave my house when I have to. But I have never been the same. I was completely changed during that time down to the cellular level. I finally found a private doctor but my body can't handle meds like it used to. even drugs I took for years I can't take. I had ECT treatments that didn't do me any favors other than made me remember even less than I did before. I remember very little of my Hospital stay. maybe a day or two and I was inpatient for about four months. I did run into "one of those people" while I was there. (at least one I remember) And it was traumatic. But I was still confused from the treatments so that helped a lot. That was I don't know how many months ago. Now I'm back in my rut. I take Seroquel and temazepam, and I stay pretty numb for the most part, but I've never lost the part that just doesn't want to be here anymore. just waiting it out. i see my kids enough to keep those heart strings holing things together. And that's the last twenty years in a nutshell. i just spewed out five years worth the shit in one sitting.....My heart is already beating fast because it's so scary. So I'm not going to think I am going to post.......You guys asked for it.