Many people have been asking this question of late..

Unfortunately its not a set theory or formula, it's different for every individual, as individual a process as the person going through it. I think for many it starts with breaking down all the preconceived barriers of what society expects people "are and have" in order to be loved. We don't have to look a certain way, we don't have to be intelligent, funny, amorous, wealthy, skinny, well dressed, well spoken, to love yourself you have to look at the basic real you.

You in a mirror no makeup or trappings or people in your head. Who were you at 10 before most people start learning you have to please everyone else in order to be "in"? Who are you when you have conversations with yourself in your head. Who are you in the dreams you had for yourself, your aspirations, your wants, your desires, the things that truly make YOU happy, and not things you do to make others happy. Its not an easy process and can be downright uncomfortable at times, we're not perfect, we're more imperfect, all of us, and you have to love the imperfections because its all you. You have to be okay with not being part of a couple or a group.

I learned to love me after I divorced the man I'd been married to for 25 years, the man I'd been with since I was 16 years old. At 42, I lived alone for the first time ever, I had to spend time with just me....it was very intuitive and awakening. I learned alot about what made me happy. Not what I did for my sons or a husband or a soccer team or football team or corporate world or any of that...I stopped and rebooted myself. Still had my sons, but they're grown and living their lives, changed careers to a job that made me happy, not just paid the bills, had no interest in being in any kind of relationship ever was completely fine to be by myself for the first time ever.....and that's when I met the man I truly love and have the best relationship with, a completely different relationship, we live in 2 different States, only see each other once a week and on weekends and it works for 4 years now. I don't need a man around 24/7 under foot and needy constantly and he's not that kind of guy and I've known happiness in 4 years that I never knew in the previous 44.

I do things now that I want to do, not because I have to, or because someone expects me to, or tells me to. I learned to respect myself and know I'm just as important as anyone else. And no, none of it was easy, I'm BiPolar, 28 years worth, and have several major genetic and chronic medical illnesses....I'm so far from perfect it's another planet....and I found happy.

So, go on a journey, don't be afraid to really get to know who you are and what truly motivates you. Personally I'm a major writer, I Journal everyday and get all the experiences on paper, I don't want to forget the important lessons, the hard lessons or the fun lessons. Just strip it down, reboot yourself and see where it leads you...

I love to write too! I'm working on short stories right now but I hope to work my way into a novel. Thank you for your insight. Getting on this website and sharing my story took a huge leap of faith on my part. I've often fantasized about my very own place and what I'd do, or where exactly I'd want to live. I still wish to share my life with someone but, like you, I WANT to be with them, not NEED to.

In my opinion want vs. need makes all the difference in the world. Writing can be a very powerful release, it also gets all the crap out of your head and helps me keep the stress and depression down, as I'm not constantly running that movie reel over and over in my head.

There are many, many helpful folks around here, so do continue to share, I hope it helps you clear things up a bit.