It was a good thing that I had a meeting with my therapist on Thursday, because I am on edge. I feel like primarily this virus is pushing me over the edge. There is no chance that my company is going to go remote. I'm a teacher. They don't believe in it. They never closed during the pandemic. Now, with this possible threat of the new variant that is supposed to defy vaccines, I wonder what I am supposed to do. In part due to the virus, my work history since about early 2020 has become pretty spotty-teaching has become incredibly chaotic-more than I ever remember. I had a very sick student in my class, violently coughing, so I sent her to the waiting area. The secretary argued that, "She is not sick!" I personally missed five days of work on my brand new job due to becoming extremely sick. My tests were negative but the symptoms were absolutely terrible.
I feel like my life is breaking apart. I cut off my relationship with my original family due to physical and sexual abuse. The surrogate family that I built a friendship with, well, I don't know what's happened with them. It seems like everyone has deserted them and the circle of people, and maybe for good reasons. Sexual predators seem to abound and hang out with them. Every time I go, another older man starts to get really forceful and make strong sexual innuendo at me. I don't feel safe anymore. They waited a year or more to oust one man who was acting really scary. It took him trying to force himself on a young girl at their home to get rid of him. Why wait so long? Now, there seem to be other men to have taken his place. I get comments there like, "Would you like help in the bedroom?" It's totally uncalled for. I fear for myself. And, I wonder why everyone has chosen to desert the situation. Perhaps they heard about the sexual assault that went on there.
I thought this couple was on my side for the most part. I tried to confide in them about my overwhelming terror and anxiety about being in a classroom, cramped, with coughing people. I have to spray down and clean the desks every hour. I find it incredibly oppressive and my mental health is shattering since returning to work. Despite my now-spotty resume, I am very seriously thinking about pursuing remote work again. When I asked them their opinion, they say, "From a resume standpoint, you need to find a job and stick in it." They are totally unsympathetic and turn a deaf ear on most fronts. I'm not sure they really get what my true concerns are. And I'm thinking, "From a not winding up in a coffin from a lethal virus perspective, I think I'll find a better fit, resume notwithstanding!" Here we are in a deadly pandemic, still, and all they can say is, "But what about your resume." Let me guarantee-if their ass was on the line they would do whatever it takes to save it.
Not to mention, I am in college at night for a different career in a much better and more lucrative field. I have no intention of letting some unsustainable s**t job derail my future. Even more upsetting, I see that they don't seem to give a care about my true goals and wants. Something tells me that they don't think I am deserving or capable of doing or trying anything better. No one has ever come out and said this, but it is just something I feel. To me there are small tells that give it away, such as dead silence to the point of hearing a mic drop every time I talk about school or my new career, or small groans or scoffs. When I put up my website and called them all excited, all he said was, "Yeah...I saw your little website..." Then proceeded to tell me what was wrong with it and how I should go with a different domain. I told him the site and the domain were what I wanted, then he proceeded to argue, steamroll what I just said, and insist that I switch.
I feel like something is really wrong. And, I wonder where all their friends went. A lot of people used to get together with them, and suddenly all the people we used to know and hang out with have disappeared from them. He will say things like, "Yeah, we just don't talk anymore..." And somehow his kids are strangely absent too. When I went over the last time, I notice that he is sitting in one room and his wife in another. He has mentioned things like his wife stating that she wants nothing to do with him. I am starting to wonder what the heck is going on. All I know, and my therapist has said as well, that she says peoples' radar is up so they have backed away. I fear for my safety. I also fear being alone, but I fear for my safety more.
Tonight, when I was getting gas, the island and even the pay-station was completely outside. There was no walk-in to pay. We were outside and the guy taking the money was in a small room behind glass-alone. So no contact with anyone. Yet, there was an announcement on the loudspeaker-instructing everyone to put on masks-yet no one was in 20 feet of one another and the guy doing the transaction was behind bulletproof plexi-glass. I felt my heart race and my blood pressure shoot up when I heard the announcement to mask up. I was really nice, but I mentioned it to him out of curiosity. I said, "Why are we being instructed on a loudspeaker to mask up when no one is in contact whatsoever, you are behind glass, and we are outside?" He gave me a knowing look and just smiled like, "Yeah I know." I felt like I was on my last leg. I can't even at this point and I think he totally got it. I told him it wasn't about him, but I just wanted to make an observation.
My therapist said that this virus is going to end. I'm not sure I believe it. And honestly, I feel like if it just goes on and on like this, what is the point in continuing? With work, money and future constantly under threat with no end in sight, is this a planet I want to continue to inhabit? I don't see a lot of future...my therapist says just to keep working toward my new, meaningful career goal, and that all of this will resolve. I want to believe her. Another part of me wants to make final plans to cut my life short, and TBH I'm not sure I feel bad about it; it even feels like the rational, measured decision. Or maybe I am completely wrong and I am reading the situation wrong and this will all turn around.
Well I am back. I didn't write a couple days. Hoping things were calming here. it is the middle of the night right now. My husband and I were kind of calm and ok the last day or so. about and hour ago, we have our dogs up on bed with us, the one dog couldn't get comfy. I awoke hearing my husband fussing with him. I said "oh what's going on". My husband said what do you think is going on,...
I signed up for online therapy because I have been feeling more anxious than usual lately due to so many changes in my life. I have had this constant tightness in my chest and feeling worried about everything. So, I decided to give therapy a try. Today was my first session and it was a brief 10 minute meet and greet. She asked what brought me to therapy and what I was looking to get out of it...