Four weeks now since I last saw my therapist of three years. I haven’t had a gap in treatment this long since I started counseling five years ago. And this has been one of the most difficult months I’ve had to survive.

The holidays. I imagine a lot of people see them as some magical time with friends, family, and decorations. But for me and many others it’s about the roughest time of the year.

When you don’t have much family and very few friends, it can be a burden. Winter is cold where I am and that alone is very draining. But it’s much harder for me because four years ago my wife passed away from her battle with cancer, right before Christmas. She died on her birthday at 34 years old.

I’ve been alone ever since and at times – like now – it can be very hard. Sometimes I feel like I’d trade anything I own to be able to turn off the loneliness and feel some reassuring connection. With a best friend. A girlfriend. Or anyone. I’m so afraid I won’t be able to change that.

The older I get the worse I feel. Lost in depression and a lack of self worth, along with the work of making myself the best person I can be, I somehow became lost in disconnection these past few years. Perhaps the worst of it is that I haven’t made love in over 5 years now. 

These things I think about all the time. But to make matters worse, my mom was just diagnosed with cancer and is undergoing treatment. Fortunately, it is an early stage, so at least there is a glimmer of hope in all of the darkness. But it’s taken a heavy toll on me. It makes me think of my wife even more than I already do lately.

My own health is another struggle. Three weeks ago, I picked up Covid again for the second time. I forgot to wear a mask at the store one day during the holiday rush and that was probably why. So careless and stupid. I guess it could be worse. So far, it has mostly been like having the flu. At least I’m not in need of the ICU. I’m doing almost everything I can for it, which does indeed include a laundry list of countermeasures. But it’s tough. I’m tired and have fevers all the time, and it has screwed up my sleep pattern, which was mercifully running good for a while – but not anymore.

So it’s been a difficult month, to say the least. Truth be told, things were looking so dark right before Christmas I wasn’t sure I was going to make it through. I guess that’s saying something because no matter how much adversity I’ve endured in this life (which goes back much further and includes a great deal more than all I’ve mentioned here) I’ve always found a way, somehow, to square my shoulders and keep moving forward.

But, God, how much can one person take?

I somehow found a way to be hopeful again, for now. You never know what can happen tomorrow. I’m hoping I can find a way to make things change for the better. With all I’ve been through, I deserve a happily ever after. I know I do.

I guess I'll either reach that goal or I'll die fighting for it.