Glad you have an appointment with your therapist. Be honest with them. I too know what it is to be suicidal day in day out with multiple plans made. To say you're not suicidal just because you haven't acted upon it already is ignorant. Like you I've gone to the trouble to plan. It's just we don't know what small thing will push us over the edge. Meet with your therapist and come up with a safety plan and stick to it. If you can't stick to a safety plan go to the nearest emergency room. I understand the awful feelings that come with this. Much support and gentlest of hugs.

well if you tell anyone they will admit you to the hospital and you will have to tell them also. I have been suicidal since I was 16 now I'm 36. have taken numerous meds which did not help. so ive gathered that I will always have these thoughts on a daily basis so I just try to ignore them. maybe try different meds I'm gonna give meds one more shot. also go to therapy- you need to figure out why you want to die? is it pain related? past failures? financial problems? broken relationships? family issues? all problems have a solution, killing yourself doesn't solve anything but hurt a lot of people. if your dead for sure you wont ever be happy. you have to see past this bad moment and thoughts. things will and can get better.

So...for now the suicide ideations have stopped...but I still have my 2 plans...and I'm trying...really trying to stick to the long term plan...if it works, I'll be dead in 4 to 6 months (a lot depends on the outcome of the election in Nov)...

Now, I've read all the posts here, and will respond as best I can to the ones that stood out to ME!

To the person who said that if I wanted to die, I would already be dead so I must not really want to be dead...you are kinda right and kinda wrong at the same time...trust me, I want to die...I lost the will to live a long time ago, and for that long time...I have had a few glimpses of hope...but lately...like specifically this year alone...those glimpses of hope are none existent...the only hope I see is in my death and sometimes the death of others (THAT is what really scares me)...I've been suicidal for years...but I am great at masking it and covering it up...but lately it's been harder and harder to mask those thoughts especially with those closest to me...So if I've been suicidal for so long why am I still alive you ask?...Well...because of the fear of FAILURE...I know all to well the consequences of a failed suicide attempt...and with my damn luck, I would fucking fail at suicide. I mean why not...I've failed at everything else!!!...so that is why I don't go through with plan number 1 which involves me shooting myself like Private Pyle in Full Metal Jacket. Now with my second plan, I am more in control...and I know for a fact I live just long enough to carry it out...also, there are things that I need to and can prepare before I die (don't really want to be a burden to anyone you know) so I need to have all my houses in order before I go!

Actually, I realized back in December that I've already attempted to kill myself on my own terms at least three separate time...the only reason I am still alive is because I always took my self to the hospital and got saved so to speak...because even I didn't realize at the time that I was actually trying to kill myself...but I do now!!!!

And another thing...I am not afraid of dying...never have been, never will be...the same goes for hospitals...I actually like being in the hospital...or at least I am used to it...The three places I grew up in were churches, hospitals, and funeral homes...and cemetaries...funeral homes and cementaries were actually my childhood playgrounds!!!!...so that is not the problem. The problem is that I used to be a strong, independent, self-sufficient person...but I am not anymore...and now that I am not, I don't even have the courage to kill my self...so I am stuck...stuck between a rock and a hard spot...but STUCK!

I think that's enough for now...I'm actually going to try to go to sleep...considering it is 4:30 in the morning and all....good night!

I am sorry to hear that you are still so determined to do this. If that's the case then there's only so much we can do to try to stop you. Can you talk to us more about what lies underneath the suicidal wishes? Maybe getting it out in the open and sstarting to talk about some of this can help.

Heidiclark...Thank you for your comment...I do appreciate it...and I will take your request into consideration...I do like to write and it probably would be helpful...but if I do it will probably be in my journal... Thanks again though.

OH WOW...I just had a strange thought...

I've been completely alone since Wednesday, when my husband left to go work out of state in Louisiana...and I actually have been okay...I still have my suicide ideations of course...but they're not as intrusive as they are when I am around PEOPLE (I don't like people very much) ...I've even started to come back to life...all alone...all by myself...so maybe there is something to me being alone...need to think on that a little more...

Okay...Good night for now...I just ate dinner (at 3AM) and now I am sleepy...

Thank you! Badluckandtrouble...that actually sounds like a wonderful idea... Last week I was actually thinking of taking a cruise...so I will take your advice into serious consideration.

I had a motorcycle accident in June of last year and retained an attorney two months later...well because I've been so Depressed...I just got my Property Damage settlement in May and blew through it in less than a month!!!...I am still waiting on the case settlement though and it's already been a year since legal preceedings began...so hopefully when that settlement comes in, I'll have enough to do some solo traveling as you suggested or take a solo cruise somewhere, I think that would be very helpful!!!