Depression Support Group
Depression is a real and debilitating condition that is often misunderstood by family and friends. Its meaning can range from a prolonged period of sadness to an actual mental illness with specific symptoms. Find and share experiences with others who are going through the same struggles.
I haven't been on this site in several years. I used to be on here a lot when I was in university and struggling to keep it all together. Thankfully, I can say that the last few years have been going quite well for me. I've had my ups and downs but all in all things have been good.
I graduated university 5 years ago to the day. Since then, I've had some successes, hit some tough times, done some traveling, and all in all built a pretty decent life for myself.
A year and a half ago I met my boyfriend, moved in with him in November, and together we are building a life together. We are going to be buying a house together next year, after which will come a puppy and then marriage. It's all very exciting and I love him very much.
Unfortunately, over the past few days, media coverage of the Brock Turner conviction and pathetic 6 month sentence has caused a flood of emotions to hit me like a tonne of bricks, and I have come to realize that I never truly worked through the effects that the rape I experienced 12 years ago. I thought I was ok but I'm not.
I suddenly find myself questioning a lot of the choices I made in the past 12 years and wondering how much the trauma of having my virginity stolen from me while I was passed out drunk impacted those choices.
I find myself dwelling on the pain and the loss that I felt when I awoke that night to find someone I thought I could trust penetrating my limp, lifeless body.
I find myself realizing that for all these years I've been running away from what happened instead of dealing with it head on. I've been avoiding it and hiding it away instead of processing my trauma. I'm terrified of opening this wound but I don't think I have a choice. I don't think I can keep it buried anymore.
I want to tell my bf about it but I don't know how much I want to tell him and I don't know if I'm prepared to lay that kind of pain and sadness on him.
Part of me wants to shout from the rooftops what happened to me and how much it hurt me, but part of me is terrified of what people will think of me, especially how many people will question my motivations when I've hidden this for over a decade. I'm also afraid of people asking who did this to me, because I'm not prepared to put that out there. I'm not prepared for the repercussions that naming my rapist will have on people I have known for most of my life and who I love a great deal. I will take his name to my grave, despite how much it hurts me.
I graduated university 5 years ago to the day. Since then, I've had some successes, hit some tough times, done some traveling, and all in all built a pretty decent life for myself.
A year and a half ago I met my boyfriend, moved in with him in November, and together we are building a life together. We are going to be buying a house together next year, after which will come a puppy and then marriage. It's all very exciting and I love him very much.
Unfortunately, over the past few days, media coverage of the Brock Turner conviction and pathetic 6 month sentence has caused a flood of emotions to hit me like a tonne of bricks, and I have come to realize that I never truly worked through the effects that the rape I experienced 12 years ago. I thought I was ok but I'm not.
I suddenly find myself questioning a lot of the choices I made in the past 12 years and wondering how much the trauma of having my virginity stolen from me while I was passed out drunk impacted those choices.
I find myself dwelling on the pain and the loss that I felt when I awoke that night to find someone I thought I could trust penetrating my limp, lifeless body.
I find myself realizing that for all these years I've been running away from what happened instead of dealing with it head on. I've been avoiding it and hiding it away instead of processing my trauma. I'm terrified of opening this wound but I don't think I have a choice. I don't think I can keep it buried anymore.
I want to tell my bf about it but I don't know how much I want to tell him and I don't know if I'm prepared to lay that kind of pain and sadness on him.
Part of me wants to shout from the rooftops what happened to me and how much it hurt me, but part of me is terrified of what people will think of me, especially how many people will question my motivations when I've hidden this for over a decade. I'm also afraid of people asking who did this to me, because I'm not prepared to put that out there. I'm not prepared for the repercussions that naming my rapist will have on people I have known for most of my life and who I love a great deal. I will take his name to my grave, despite how much it hurts me.
-
-
I invited Bill to have dinner with me last Sunday. He wasn't willing to drive 7 hours to mid Michigan and teased me with his beautiful ribs!!! So, of course I ate alone and had cedar salmon
anyway you probably need counseling rather than telling people things as this is a private matter you have closed in for so long....did anyone know you were raped? I mean parents or friends? I would leave it at the anonymity of the victims right which was how media always handles rapes....they never tell us who was raped....and that is good...because they need their privacy....which I think you need too....but with the man you love I would be a open honest and loving person who shares that with him....just my 2cents....hugs
by the way...welcome back
Given that, I am sorry for the reasons that bring you back.
Trauma like rape can be very complex to deal with. The heavy lifting is best left to professionals, and I do hope you are able to find a good therapist to help you.
Certainly a very good issue to explore is who you tell, and how much you tell them. Most guys I know would have a knee jerk reaction of wanting to destroy the person who did that to a person they really care about; I guess it is a guy thing, and we guys need to really think things like that through.
The only words I can offer are this: if you have told anybody in real life about it, then he, as your future husband, should be told as well. BUT THIS IS JUST MY OPINION! And it is not a very informed opinion either.
Again welcome back!!!
I do think counseling is the right way to go. I will be making some inquiries with local sexual assault centres to figure out where to go for this.
Pepper, you're right that I need to tell my bf. I just don't know how to bring it up. It's not really something you just spring on someone out of no where.
I know he will be supportive, I'm not worried about that, but I also know he gets really uncomfortable with "serious" stuff and doesn't know what to say or how to react. He'll want to support me as best he can but won't have a clue how to do it and that will make him feel useless and guilty. And I honestly don't know what to ask from him either, other than to listen to me let it out. He can't fix this and that's gonna tear him up.
I find myself in a position right now where I need to talk to my daughters about my experiences. One is going off to college in a few months. I'm not stopping them from dating and I have raised them better than my parents raised me but I do have to let them know that even people they trust can hurt you. I'm not looking forward to that conversation but I know it needs done.
You need to talk to your boyfriend. You need to seek counseling and also find a support group with actual people that you can talk to instantly. The rape group here is ok, but they don't always have the immediate response a live group can offer. And yes, someday, you will have to tell your children, especially your daughters.
Because my rapist has family ties (we are not related but he is my sister in laws brother), I do come across him sometimes on social media (like when he comments on a mutual friend or family members post or something) and it always makes me angry when I see his name and his smiling picture of himself with his wife and children. I have no physically run into him in several years, thankfully. Last time I saw him was long enough ago that I hadn't even gotten to the point yet where I'd even begun to acknowledge that what had happened that night was rape.
I got more understanding about the rape & incest stuff by watching my rooster rape the chickens daily than by any other thing ever in my life. No words were spoken, but I finally understood.
Every day the rooster would take care of those chooks, watch them, nurture them, folllow them around, clucking, feeding them tidbits.
ALL DAY LONG.
But at feed time, when they all came running to the feed I would scatter, he would rape them, every one.
Took him three seconds a pop. If that. they hated it. They were totally pissed off. And ten seconds later they were fine and he was raping someone else.
They didn't expect any better. They lived in the now. And they weren't bothered. He was annoying. His spurs dug into them, they were offended. They would shake their feathers, all insulted and indignant, cluck abuse at him - and then go back to eating.
Humans can't live in the now so we make all sorts of problems for ourselves. But I think we need to see other creatures living in the now.
their tomorrows aren't damaged by their yesterdays. They don't warp their futures due to the twist in their past.
It's not a view put forward in a justice-based world, where our bodies are owned by us. And it's not a way of looking at it that I'd suggest to any man.
but if you have been raped, and you have to find a way to make some kind of peace with it, in order to move forward - then I put it forward as a way to let go.
Go watch the chickies in the back yard, and understand the mental powers involved in that rape. ZERO. Intent? Zero. Comprehension? Zero.
That's the animal without inhibiting controls on it. A thoughtless, mindless, automated f*cking machine whose concept of consent is rudimentary at best.
I agree with you, with it all over the news it opened a lot of wounds that I thought were closed for myself, its horrible how one day you think you are okay and the next like it just happened all over again. :(
At least you came here and we can all get through this together.
xoxox.