Hello, this is probably going to be a long post but it is a lot that I need to get off my chest. Thank you to whoever reads this and offers any comments! 

I am 20 years old. I met my boyfriend a year ago when he was 23 at the time. We connected immediately. I've never been more pursued or respected or impressed by any guy before. I thought it was too good to be true and the kind of person I have always waited for. Our relationship developed and he quickly became my best friend, and still is. We laugh and have so much fun together. I've never loved somebody so much before. 

At the beginning of our relationship he told me he struggled with depression. I asked what I could do to help and he said the best way for me to help was to not worry and act completely normal. He said he feels better when we are just together and having fun and he knows how to mentally pull himself out of his depression on his own. He didn't like talking about it or dwelling on it. I naively agreed. 

Throughout our relationship I learned more and more about his depression. When he would have bad days, he didn't talk to me very much and isolated himself. I took this very personally as I am someone who struggles with anxiety and has a lot of issues and fears of being left or unwanted. Over time I have learned more and more about his depression and not to take it personally. I mentioned counseling several times throughout the months and it took a lot of time but he slowly started to become more open to the idea of therapy. Our relationship maintained good - we talked and saw each other regularly and we both thought his depression was under control. We were both happy and healthy and our relationship was growing stronger. 

Towards the end of summer things took a turn. His depression became the worst I had ever seen it and up until this point I didn't realize how much he struggled. It was heartbreaking to see him that way and not be able to do anything. He shut me out completely and hardly talked to me. When he did, it was only to tell me he was sorry and that he cared about me but he needed space. I was very confused and heartbroken, for us both. We talked one night and he told me he was finally going to see a counselor, and he said a big part of that was because of me. He said he wanted to be with me but he knew that he needed to work on himself before he was ready to give me what I needed out of a relationship. I decided that his mental health was more important than our relationship at that time. We both wanted to be together but he needed time to focus on himself. We agreed to break up, then talk in a month and see where things were. I was so upset. It seemed so unfair. it was a very hard thing to do but i knew it had to happen. 

When the month was over we met up to talk. I was honestly expecting things to end for good but it went the complete opposite direction. It was like we had missed no time at all. When we talked, he told me he had learned a lot about his depression and why he is the way he is.He felt he was on the right track but still had a long way to go. He told me he loved me and missed me. We decided to start slowly by talking everyday and seeing each other once a week. Then we decided to start "dating". By this I mean we are dating exclusively - but not boyfriend and girlfriend. We don't hangout everyday like we used to, in order for the main focus to still be his mental health. 

Being someone who struggles with anxiety, this sort of "in between" state is very hard for me. Losing him, even for just a month, hurt a lot and made me very defensive. I find myself insecure and worrying about things I never did before, which is really frustrating. It has been very hard to let go of my expectations I had for him when he was my boyfriend. i know he loves me and cares about me and he shows it in the best way he can which i believe says a lot, but it isn't always in the way that I was used to beforehand. its hard to accept that he can't be there for me the way i want him to be right now. he isn't able to devote as much attention, affection, love, or time to me as he once was before the breakup. I understand this and i want his mental health to be first priority too, but it is hard sometimes. when he has a goal, he is very disciplined to obtaining it. he doesn't want us to be a serious couple, not because he doesn't love me or want that, but because he knows he can't handle that and get to a stable place with his depression. 

i know that he cares but sometimes its hard to keep telling myself that when i'm not able to receive the love in the way i used to. as im sure all of you know, loving someone with depression can be a very lonely love and it requires a lot of understanding. i also think it is the most pure, self-sacrificing, graceful love. im really proud of how i love him and i think i have helped him a lot but sometimes i feel like it goes unrecognized even though i know he does recognize it and it means a lot to him. i get frustrated when i feel like he doesn't always try or put in as much effort as i do, but i try to remember he is trying as much as he can in the mental state that he is in. i feel like progress is being made, slowly but surely. we've talked about medication and he has finally decided he wants to try it, but he is really scared and his depression makes decisions like that take a lot of time. its hard because i know it will help but i can't force that. I just wait and gently encourage him and pray one day he will be able to get himself to make the appointment. 

its really hard for me dealing with something when i am so young. i don't have a lot of people i can talk to. my friends are all in relationships but they've never dealt with something like this. the problems they face in their relationships are very different and they never know what to say. sometimes i see them on the phone with their boyfriends or hanging out with them all the time and i really wish i had that again. people always ask me about our relationship which makes things harder. most people don't understand. when i tell them they just think he isnt putting in effort or doesn't care as much as i do and they tell me to leave. 

its very hard to know what to do. I don't regret any of this for a second. he is my best friend and he has never mistreated me. he's always been so patient and honest and compassionate to me, even on his worst days. everytime i am with him it feels right. its just hard when i am not with him. i struggle a lot with anxiety and my thoughts can really make me nervous and sad. im constantly worried about if im doing the right thing, or if im just in denial and need to leave, or if we will work out. 

throughout the process i've learned a lot about love and depression so i guess no matter the outcome i will always be grateful for that. he tells me i have helped him a lot in so many ways, so i am grateful for that as well. 

i'm not sure what the point of telling this is. i guess it's just nice to have an outlet to people who can probably understand. thank you for listening and giving any insight.