Depression Supporters Support Group
This community is dedicated to spouses, children, relatives, co-workers and others who are actively supporting someone suffering from depression or other serious mental illness. Depression can bring about intense sadness, melancholia or despair that has advanced to the point of being disruptive, which can have a grave impact on the ability of others trying to help.
So long story short. I have a friend that I've known for 10 years that has been more or less depressed through those 10 years. Well ok he's been really depressed all the time. I have supported him all i can, in all ways i know how.
Some years we have less contact some years we have more. We have been through so much together and will always have a special relationship.
He's been suicidal the entire time. But I always tell myself that those who are really gonna do it doesn't say anything. I tell myself he wont do anything stupid. He wont. He has said so himself. But I still get equally scared everytime (And no i am not gonna make this about me). We have texted some today it all started with a " Why can't it all end" text from him. I replied. He doesn't want me to call. This is the content of his last text:
"No this is not a "period". I can't do it anymore. I'm tired of trying just to be thrown into another wall. I don't have and motivation left, I'm losing control and its only a question of time before i do something "stupid". I have tricked people that I'm doing ok but might as well warn people so they don't get surprised when I die or get put in hospital because i fail at dying..."
I tell myself it's like it's always been. He never thinks it's a "period". And right know i know this is how he feels. I also know that ive heard this before and nothing happened. But i can't stop getting scared. I have been doing this for 10 years and I still never know what to say. What do I answer to that? I'm not close by, i can't just head over there, at least not on a wim. When we lived in the same town that would be the answer....
Some years we have less contact some years we have more. We have been through so much together and will always have a special relationship.
He's been suicidal the entire time. But I always tell myself that those who are really gonna do it doesn't say anything. I tell myself he wont do anything stupid. He wont. He has said so himself. But I still get equally scared everytime (And no i am not gonna make this about me). We have texted some today it all started with a " Why can't it all end" text from him. I replied. He doesn't want me to call. This is the content of his last text:
"No this is not a "period". I can't do it anymore. I'm tired of trying just to be thrown into another wall. I don't have and motivation left, I'm losing control and its only a question of time before i do something "stupid". I have tricked people that I'm doing ok but might as well warn people so they don't get surprised when I die or get put in hospital because i fail at dying..."
I tell myself it's like it's always been. He never thinks it's a "period". And right know i know this is how he feels. I also know that ive heard this before and nothing happened. But i can't stop getting scared. I have been doing this for 10 years and I still never know what to say. What do I answer to that? I'm not close by, i can't just head over there, at least not on a wim. When we lived in the same town that would be the answer....
I have a friend, like yours, and I have been talking to here on line and by phone for two years. I have never met her. And the tone of the discourse has been similar to what you are describing. The difference that I see between you and me is that I am not anxious about what she may or may not do. She has been clearing out her house, cutting herself off from family and friends for most of the time I have known her. I also believe that those who are going to suicide go ahead and do it. They don't wait to be talked out of it.
As long as he will keep talking to you, you know he is alive. I don't know if my friend will take her life. If she does, I know I will grieve. But I will still go on with my life. I hope you will go on with yours, should that grim possibility ever materialize.
Peace be with you.
Where I diverge some from Bob is that I would be unable to not do anything, if I were in your situation.
I have had some friends and family get to the point he is at. I used to get upset and anxious. Once I accepted it is their choice and I can not stop them, it did help some. It also changed the way I approach them.
I tell them I love them (and I say it to them every time I talk to them). I usually have the "friend-love" conversation with them at some point, if it is a friend, and then I just tell them I love them. I also tell them I support them in taking care of themselves.
And then I encourage them to get help. Every time I speak with them. Sometimes they get angry or make excuses or tell me not to say it anymore. I just repeat that I love them and want the best for them and I think they need to seek help.
I do not beg or plead or get emotional. I just let them know I love and support them and hope that they choose to get help.
I know I would be devastated if any of these people followed through on it, but I also know I am doing everything I can without taking on their burden as my own or accepting responsibility for their choices.
I hope this helps some. As you have seen between Bob and I, everyone has to come up with how they deal with this situation according to their values. I see nothing wrong with what Bob says, I just know it is not in line with how I feel.
Take care. I am keeping you and him in my thoughts and prayers (sorry if you are not religious, it is not intended to be in your face, just to know I am supporting you in the way I see as best).
Anyhow...it's "solved" for now. He is at a psychiatric emergency clinic, he's been there before. The fight is when he gets out... again.
As you, I'd grieve but yes Id move on eventually. And i understand that it's really not my responsibility and if he really does it, I couldn't really have stoped him. I can only support...it's not my responsibility and unlike when I was 13 years old i know that. But it's like i react like this by deafult. Anyhow...thanks for your answer
And yes.. I'm not able to do nothing either. I just have to find that balance between doing nothing and doing too much. Ive taken a his burden on me before, I can't keep doing that. Which doesn't mean I'm not there for him. It's just hard to find the balance and knowing what to do in these situations