just joined this site tonight because of another fight .. I use that term loosely because it wasn't really two way, just mainly him going off.  They are happening much more often lately. At first I would get so defensive, hurt, disbelief and then so angry and we'd end up fighting.   Yelling bad, etc.  This time I'm just watching it, like in third person... Watching him blow up, accuse, then blame me, and him tell me I'm being calm just for a show. That I'm trying to make him lose it, etc.  I was asking for us not to argue. But I'm just trying to seem perfect and make him the bad guy he says.  And now I'm laying here crying, because I feel like the safe place I had with my man is gone.  The things he says and accuses me of are so off the wall.  I know he's under a lot of work stress, he's so miserable where he is, and we've had to deal w a lot of family stress too, theres some money stress but moreso on he wishes he were doing better but in reality we are not broke, have some savings, do well and are not materialistic people, but he's hard on himself.  He has admitted in the past of accusing me of the pressure and guilt, when in reality he knows i'm not and it's pressure he had created.  He's admitted when he's not angry that he may be depressed.  But the smallest things set him off, and then all the blame comes and I don't know who he is anymore. And it's happening more often, like a couple times a month, and the strain lasts for days. I don't feel close to him after the blow ups, I admit I avoid him the rest of the day, I'm hurt and stressed and just want calm, which makes him even more mad and hurt and he slams doors, or randomly says rude stuff, which pushes me further away..this can go own for days, I know I'm.wrong too, I just want to avoid drama and fighting but I know it makes it worse.  And he gets more mad and accuses me of more stuff. It's a horrible cycle.  It breaks my heart.  Like bad.  I'm crushed.  But yeah I wonder if things will ever feel warm and safe again, or loving and comfortable. When it's, good it's soooo good.  Married almost 15 years, and when things are good, it's the best I could ever imagine.  He's caring and attentive, complimentary, he has such fierce loyalty.  He had seemed more distant lately though the past 6 months.. But I knew the work stress is a big cause. And teenage stress causes lack of time for us.  Regardless I always know he loves me.  But when its bad I can't imagine living the rest of my life like this. Its lonely and horrible to hear someone you love assume all sorts of stuff about you.   And just go off on all sorts of negative stuff about himself, and about how you're the cause.... It's confusing, Werent we just having an amazing date night a couple nights ago... I don't understand how there's so much negativity, so much attack.. Over carpet, or Christmas decorations...  Like we are having a casual conversation and we are good, like hanging out having fun, and apparently I say something that literally pisses him off and it goes 180.... How?

  Is this depression?   I thought depression was more sad, lethargic, more negativity than motivation....  This anger....?? Is this a part of it for real? This is so hurtful.   Its like everything he is stressed or feels he has no control over comes out at me.   I love him so much and would never intentionally say anything to hurry himor make him feel used.... But he interprets so many things as personal attacks or put downs, its like he's looking for me to disapprove of him and then he lashes out.    

   What do I do?  He says he's handling his depression with vyvance.  He is not seeing anyone, mainly because when he's angry its all my fault so why would he need to go.  And he also says he's seen counselors in the past...hence the add diagnosis and vyvance.  So he doesn't need to go again.   

  If anyone read this... Thank you.   I know it was long. :(