Depression Supporters Support Group
This community is dedicated to spouses, children, relatives, co-workers and others who are actively supporting someone suffering from depression or other serious mental illness. Depression can bring about intense sadness, melancholia or despair that has advanced to the point of being disruptive, which can have a grave impact on the ability of others trying to help.
I've been with my boyfriend for a year now and I'm just starting to realize how serious his depression is and how much it is affecting me. The more posts I read the more I realize that I can relate to them and honestly it makes me pretty scared. He was honest about his depression from the start but I'm now seeing that it has so much more impact than I anticipated and I'm afraid that this roller coaster we are on is only going to get worse. I have delt with mild depression myself in the past but I've always pulled out of it. I'm thinking of seeking a counceller for myself because of the emotions I have been feeling lately. My boyfriend recently told me that he thinks about ending his life and he has no interest in getting help,to the outside world he puts on a good show that everything is fine but with me every day is different. Last week for instance he told me that he didn't want me around because I make his depression worse and that he doesn't give a $!#@ about me or anyone that he's not sure if he's happy with me and quite a few things need to change in our relationship. a few days later I took him to a concert for his birthday and we had the best day ever and today he's right back to wanting to be alone we haven't talked about anything he is mad that I'm not understanding but then I tell him he needs to open up because I don't know what he's going through and I am trying to understand but he won't talk about any of it and I'm too afraid to bring it up because I'm sure it'll just start a huge argument. I'm not trying to over share but I think this also may have something to do with his depression I could be wrong though, since we've been together he has had a very high sex drive and in the beginning it was a lot of fun but now it seems like too much and that it's never enough for him and it's becoming more of a chore then fun for me. I also find it's becoming more for lack of a better word dominent I guess, and I am finding a lack of respect like it doesn't matter if I'm exhausted or I don't want to do certain things if I don't then he just gets a mad at me. I love him and when he has his good days he's an amazing caring wonderful boyfriend but it's hard to know from day to day what his mood will be and I am uncertain how we will make it through especially if he won't seek help. Thanks for letting me get that out sorry if it was too much .
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Hi. This is my first post. I'm here because my husband is an addict and it's having a negative impact on our marriage and my emotional and mental well being. He's an alcoholic who is also addicted to pornography and video gaming. He spends every moment that he isn't at work or sleeping drinking beer, playing his video games, and looking at porn. He's completely pushed me out of his life. We don't...
He needs help, he knows he needs help, yet he refuses to seek that help - there is very little you can do. The very inconsistent attitude towards your relationship has got to be really hard.
Some of what you describe is him manipulating your relationship and controlling you - which is super uncool.
There are a lot of parallels with our sort of situation (we both have very similar burdens) and the plight of the spouse of an alcoholic or addict. Regardless of the source of the relationship eroding and becoming distant, the person who needs help can’t very well be helped by anyone but the self at first.
They have to admit they are powerless over their main problem and seek all the tools available to live a healthier more engaged life. Absent that motivation, there is very little the partner can do. Some would say that staying and “doing nothing” (while really adapting to and accommodating their issues) is a form of codependency.
It is possible that you give him space and tell him quite explicitly that you aren’t giving up on him entirely, but your relationship can’t fully re-engage unless he is willing to get some help and understand how his behavior has impacted you. It might take you putting your foot down and taking “a leave of absence” to see what he is really made of.
You don’t want to be in this same space 5-10 years from now, so something has got to give, right?
The biggest red flag of all for me is the very high sex drive and the expectation that you are there for that, whether or not it is working for your physical and emotional needs.
as I always end: may the force be with you.
I would like to echo everything pietro84 has said, and emphasis that you need to get professional help.
As someone who has a hard time with conflict, it is easy for me to get blinded by all of the distortion happening in the relationship, and what to do about it.
You deserve someone in your corner who can be objective and who can also provide sound advice about what to do next.
Of course, this group is helpful and pietro84 makes some great points; but you should consider the value of a therapist. It's their job to help you in this hard time!
Last, I applaud you for finding this group and articulating your frustration. Behind that frustration is part of you asserting your needs. That is huge when dealing with someone with depression. They cannot see beyond their needs, so if you don't advocate for yourself, no one else will.
Take a look at this article I wrote about the difference between someone-with-depression and someone-against-depression. You deserve a partner who at the very least is doing something about their disease.
https://www.dailystrength.org/group/depression-supporters/discussion/against-depression
Good luck!
Thanks for the input and advice :)