Depression Supporters Support Group
This community is dedicated to spouses, children, relatives, co-workers and others who are actively supporting someone suffering from depression or other serious mental illness. Depression can bring about intense sadness, melancholia or despair that has advanced to the point of being disruptive, which can have a grave impact on the ability of others trying to help.
Dear Depression Supporters Support Group,
There is a difference between someone-with-depression and someone-against-depression.
I recently responded to a post from someone whose spouse wasn't doing anything to fight their depression. It lead me to think of this difference, because I have seen this come up from many of the others posts on this site. For someone-with-depression, their disease is simply a fact of life that has complete hold over their mind. There isn't anything that can be done and it is just a matter of riding it out or killing themselves. As a husband of someone who used to have this mentality, I know how intimidating and scary it is.
However, I am currently the husband of someone-against-depression. My spouse has made huge strides in her relationship with depression. She has a medication that works, has a wonderful therapist and we have developed communication tools to know when she needs to step back from daily life to recuperate from her disease. This does not mean the depression is gone, it means that I am married to someone-against-depression.
I write this in the hopes that you, reader, will see the difference. Is your spouse taking any steps to be against their depression, or are they letting you pick up the slack without doing anything in return? Of course, depression is a disease that reduces a person's ability to manage stress, so we cannot call this pure laziness or evil or pride. However, like others with diseases, they are not just someone-with-depression. They are a husband or wife, mother or father, brother or sister. There is more in there than mere sadness, there is still enough humanity to recognize that they can fight their disease.
As a supporter of someone with depression, you deserve to support someone-against-depression.
It is good to hear she is on anti-depressants; that shows she acknowledges her medical issue. Yes, I believe the next, most powerful step is for her to seek therapy. A professional should be helping your marriage succeed amidst these difficult realities. Perhaps couples therapy would be good too. I have done both and found individual and couples therapy important.
I know that supporting someone with depression is a slog; and my goal in differentiating between someone-with-depression and someone-against-depression was to show that they have a level of responsibility to fight against their disease, not just let it run the show. From the many posts I have read on this blog, that seems to be an important difference between the many relationships.
If you believe your spouse is not "against-her-depression" then it may be time to bring this up to her, if you have not already. This will need to be a delicate conversation, one maybe best done in therapy.
Good luck.