First off I urge you not to write or say that your husband's been worse since your kids came, anywhere that your children might read or see that.....that can be detrimental to a child's psyche and development....they very easily take on blame that was not there's to take.

If your husband is doing nothing to help his Depression, no Therapy, no Psychiatrist to monitor and prescribe medication, not even taking care of himself. If he's just sitting in the house not participating in the family at all, what's keeping you there?

This has got to be hurting your children, having a father that they probably feel doesn't love them enough to spend time with them, play with them, or even talk with them. I'm sure it's past the point of hurting you, you've put up with it for a very, very long time.

Guilt is a funny thing. If your husband were doing things to help himself, if he were undergoing treatment and doing all he could to battle his depression, if he were spending time with his family and you were out ignoring him hanging with other men or deciding to leave him because he wasn't fun enough, then you would have a reason to feel guilt.

But you are not in a situation where guilt can be placed. Depression can be treated. Your husband could be receiving Treatment but he chooses not to for 17 years...he chooses to be basically part of the furnishings and not interact with you or his children. Love, responsibility and guilt only go so far.

You have a right to a life with someone who loves you and wants to be with you, wants to spend time with you out doing things, wants to take you and the kids out and have fun, wants to enjoy outings on the weekends, someone who wants to BE part of the family.

Your kids deserve a happy family life. And if that's just you and them, then that's what it is, but living with someone who has a Mental Illness and refuses to treat it or try at all..what is that teaching them? You have to think of what this is doing to them as well.

There's no guilt in leaving a situation where you've tried to get your spouse to do things that would help him heal and he refuses for 17 years. You and your children deserve to have a happy life.

Take care,
Kat

Agreed. You have a right to expect him to seek treatment and make a best effort to get better. If he won't, you should leave. You owe yourself and your kids the best possible life, and this isn't it. <3

Thank you, I appreciate your replies.

Tonight he re-affirmed that he will not seek any treatment as ‘what’s the point, nothing helps’ which doesn’t make sense to me. I’m a fighter, I don’t give up so I find it hard to watch him do nothing.

He just wants to be left alone, he said he doesn’t want me talking to him as it just stresses him out. He said there’s no point joining the family as they are just doing their thing, so he sits in our bedroom all night as soon as he gets home from work. Kids are used to it now, they know no different.

The other day he was extremely rude to me in front of our kids. Later (not in front of kids) I stood up for myself and told him that he can’t talk to me that way. He now says that he can’t talk to me at all as I’m always offended by everything he says, it’s really not true, I don’t think he’s thinking rationally, I would love nothing more than to hear him speak to me and his kids.

Tonight he also said he wants to be dead. I asked him if he is suicidal and would do something stupid, he said no. I don’t think he will. I told him I love him and want him to get better and be happy.

I don’t know weather to tell his family or not about how depressed he is.

The other thing that happened is that he has fallen out with his only real friend. And he’s angry at him.

In the mean time I am living with someone who will barely speak to me or the kids, only if we speak to him first..

The next few days will be hard. I’m just going to have to not speak to him I guess? I’m very tired of this. It’s so hard.

I would tell his family so they are not surprised if something happens; at least his parents or the family members who are closest to him. My husband is extremely private, but I told his mom the first time he threatened suicide, and we've been discussing it occasionally since then, without my husband's knowledge. At some point, someone else has to look out for other people's feelings when the depressed person is too far gone to have any empathy for anyone.

It's so hard to deal with the irrationality of depression. In my situation, it's always interpreting anything said in the most negative possible way. It sounds like that is sort of what's happening at your house, too. They really can't see that their perspective is warped. It feels real and true to them and if you can get through that and remind them that their brain is sick and lying to them, and they should be suspicious of those thoughts, that might be a first step towards getting him into treatment (if that is still what you want). I think in your situation, I'd be ready to throw in the towel, but of course, only you know what is best for you.

I understand how you feel and have been there. All I can say is to you is: "go" - or tell him you are done and want him out. Easier said than done, yes, I know.....you can't spend the rest of your life this way, and believe me when I say that 10 years from now if you are still in this situation, you'll be cursing yourself for wasting those ten years you spent in misery (I have done it). You can't get them back. Your kids can't get them back. And your husband's illness is telling him not to give shit about any of it. If you give him an ultimatum it may force his hand to get help. I know it made my husband get help. But before you do anything, make sure you talk to his family, so they don't just assume that you're being the bad guy! Make sure they understand what's happening.You've done all that you can, please please don't feel guilty!