I am sorry to hear that you are going through this. I have been with my husband for 14 years. And the last 10 years, he has had anger issues then full blown depression. He has been depressed for 3 years. I am not saying you should leave him. I am just saying it could take a long time or he may never be better. I always ask myself why I stick around. Well one obvious reason is that we have a daughter. But I think at some level, we believe our love could heal them. But slowly I realize, it won’t and it can’t. Their depresssion has nothing to do with us. We didn’t cause it and we can’t heal it. We are caregivers but only if you are willing. I am still sticking around, but trust me it is so hard. I have no one to turn too. And again I am sorry you are going through this.

Hi, I just saw your post. I'm in a similar situation and I don't know what to do either. I feel so helpless and lost and useless. Has your boyfriend ever tried therapy? Maybe you could even offer to go with him? Or doing a physical activity together? I'm scared too, and sometimes I feel selfish for that because I'm not the one with depression, but at the same time I'm just not sure what to do at all.

I want to reiterate what Freeagain has said: you cannot cure your partner's depression. You are not the cause, you don't hold the cure, and though your partner may find a way to treat it he will never be cured of it. It will be with him forever.

I have been with my current partner for the past 5 years. 3 of them have been almost exclusively about his depression. I'm glad I'm with him because I know he is not his depression. But that said, had I known what this struggle would be I don't know that I would have stayed. And I tell myself that if anyone ever came to me with a story that sounded familiar I would tell them to leave. I have been through emotional abuse, I've left dreams I had behind for the sake of the relationship I'm in now and I do not have any regrets -- yet. But this road is long, much longer than I thought it would be. Two years into his depression when it became very, very severe I finally sought help from a therapist. I told her I didn't know how much longer I could take it. I said 6 months. And it's a year and a couple months later and here I am and honestly I don't know if my partner is that much better. I just need you to know that this is the long haul. This is what it's going to be like for a long, long time. And you are not wrong to leave. If your partner does not love himself, he can't love you and you can't love him enough to make up for the love he doesn't have for himself.

I can't tell you why I stuck around and why I'm still here. I honestly don't know. I feel in my bones that I'm making the right choice but I also question where that feeling comes from. And reading about how long this road will be.... and watching myself type it out.... even that triggers doubt in my mind.

If you do decide to stay - and let me say just once more that it is ok to leave - I would talk to your partner about therapy. I asked my partner if he'd consider it and after 3 months of asking (about once a week) he decided he'd give it a go. I had to do the research on therapists and I had to schedule the appointments and I had to drive him to the appointments and be there to pick him up... but he went. I don't even know if it's working but I will say this - before he was going to therapy I was also afraid when I didn't hear from him for awhile or if he was late coming home... I would convince myself he had killed himself and when he walked through the doors of the house I would be overcome with relief he was still here and anger at myself for thinking the worst and at him for making my afraid of it in the first place. Now that he's in therapy I'm not scare of that anymore. Not sure if it's real or if it's just in my mind but... for what it's worth I guess.

I also get the "rubbing off on me" sentiment.... you should read the thread "how do you not get sucked in" in the group here!

Thank you so much guys for responding && being supportive. He’s been seeing a therapist (which he took it upon himself to do) and this guy is saying is going to prescribe him Welbuterin.. I’m not familiar with antidepressants, coming from a family that never had any issues like that, but I’m nervous for him.

Lately we’ve had a few really bad fights where I really just wish he would break up with me, so I wouldn’t be the one to cause him more pain... sometimes I wish I wasn’t caring at all. I wish I could just walk away && realize he’ll be fine without me. But idk if he would. He had told me early on that with his last relationship, he was cheated on so many times and by the end of it he didn’t even want to live anymore...

I love and care for him so much. I don’t want to add to his depression by leaving him alone. He hides this from his family. Who would take care of him? Would he be okay without me? Would he hate me? These are the questions I ask myself... if I were to leave, how do you do that to someone that you’re leaving, not because you don’t love them or that you have found someone else or that I just want someone else, but because I am emotionally drained and am the only one in this relationship anymore?

I guess I should also mention I am only 20yrs old && he is 24. This is my first serious relationship

I should also mention that I have talked to my parents about this, and my family doesn’t really support our relationship because they say it’s not healthy for me.

Seeing a therapist - awesome! And I can't say I know a whole lot about anti-depressives but I do work in a clinic and I see many people thrive on that medication! I've also seen people who don't like it but when that happens they try something else with a lot of success! There are tons of meds out there and you might need some trial and error but there's a combo out there for anyone who needs it.

Relationships are hard and it's harder still for this to be your first real relationship. I understand that you have these worries - who would take care of him, if he'd be ok... but you have to believe that those should not be your concerns. I don't know if he made you think these things or if you took these concerns on yourself but either way, as real as you believe them to be, you can't take those on. It's not your job to take care of him, it's not your job to be sure he'd be ok without you. If you both decide to commit to a partnership you can have conversations about how to take care of each other but that's where it should end.

And "would he hate me" isn't your concern either. I definitely see where it's coming from - when things have been really bad and I've thought about leaving my partner I have the same question but there is truly nothing you can do about this either way. It's not the question you should be asking yourself because it's not helpful for you and it's not helpful for him. If you're staying because you think he'd hate you if you left then you're not really in the relationship for the right reasons and that does damage to yourself and him.

As for.... how do you leave someone because you're emotionally drained.... I'm not sure honestly. But I believe that if you are emotionally drained and you do think you're the only one in your relationship then what really is the relationship you're in? Because it sounds like it's not there any more. A tough thing to wrap your mind around for sure - don't get me wrong. It's so, so difficult.
But what I'm hearing is that maybe... you want to leave but you feel guilty or selfish or wrong for leaving. And I have to tell you that none of those things are true. I'm hearing that a young, strong woman is here trying to give her all in a relationship with a man who cannot love himself right now, let alone someone else. And you cannot love someone enough to make them forget that they don't love themselves and you cannot love someone enough to make up for the fact that they don't love themselves. You can't. And that one's.... tough. It's really, really tough.

I'll say this - I wonder often if I had left my partner 3 years ago instead of sticking through the last 3 years (still without an end in sight really) if he'd be better now than he is. I have no way of knowing and we've even talked about this and he doesn't believe he would be. (Key point there being we've talked about it and we've been very honest and it was a hard, hard conversation.) BUT, I still wonder sometimes. Like... I don't know but the way I think about it is relationships are hard, draining, and exhausting and sometimes I think maybe the energy he's had to put in, even the small stuff, has taken away from the energy he could have been using to help him battle his depression. That said, you shouldn't break up with someone for them - you should only do it for you. It's not your job to read their mind and say to yourself that you're going to break up with them because it's better for THEM and not know for sure what's best for yourself. If it's best for you and you think it may also benefit them then that's fine -- but make sure you choose the best thing for YOU to do for yourself. It sounds selfish at first but you can never be there for someone in every way if you are not there for yourself and loving yourself first. It's horrible cliche but... putting on your oxygen mask before helping someone else with theirs is real. Too real. Especially because I don't even like those safety demonstrations on the planes. ;)

I know this is a hard time. I don't know if my two cents is worth much more than two cents but... I see you strugglin' and it really reminds me of me 3 year ago and part of me wishes someone had told me that it was ok to leave. And that it's still ok to leave. It took me a long time to realize that. <3

Your two cents are definitely worth more than two cents. Thank you for that! It’s just all really hard. I wish someone would just make the decision for me... he’s not only my boyfriend but he’s my best friend. And I feel bad because I DO think frequently about ending things, not because I don’t care or not have feelings for him, but because I can’t handle the stress && depression anymore. I’m only human. But at the same time, he’s struggling with it and I’m the one over here complaining... I honestly don’t know what to do. I want him to get better but I think this process is going to be veryyyy long & I have so much stuff going on in my own life, new job, new apartment in a new city, living alone. I wanna be here for him but idk how much longer I can do it. But I don’t want to be alone. && I don’t want him to be. I want him to be okay. && me. && if you were to end it with your partner for these reasons how do you even go about it differently because breaking up with someone who is clinically depressed is a whole different ballgame than your average joe... like I just am being pulled in two directions... I wanna stay because I love him && I know it’s not his fault but I can’t keep riding on this roller coaster of emotions

I wrote you a response!!! I took 4 hours because I kept editing it and I got logged out and it was deleted!!! I'm devastated. It's 2 am but I'm going to start over because I really feel like i've been where you are, at crossroads, in a battle of friendship and love.

Firstly Roseislajames said so much of the things I wanted to say, so hats off. The only things I wanted to add was about breaking up and my reasons I stayed.

No matter what decision you take you need to take some time to yourself first, you need to find your feelings, not the ones people are telling you to feel. You need to make the world white noise and really look at your feelings. There will never be and easy way to end things, you need to talk to him, about everything, about your feelings, about his actions, you need to get everything out on the table to see what your left with. To see if there is anything left in the relationship. You might end up finding you can just be friends, you may never speak again but finding your voice, your feelings and then talking to him is the only way to find out where you're going. The meds might help him but they are not you "Hail Mary", they can take weeks to take effect and they may also be the wrong ones for him. I only bring this up because it's important for you to know the world won't change the first time he takes the pills...

My family criticizes my relationship a lot too, they say i'm 21, i'm too young for this, that I don't know what i'm getting into... Sometimes I feel like they don't think he's enough for me (even thought they would never say it). I've had friends ask me why I stay, say that I could meet someone else and I know I probably could but I don't want to. I know how I feel. I know I love him and I know they won't change. We've made it over 3 years now.

There are two moment is my relationship I would like to share that I think are most relevant to you and help explain why I stay.

It was 2 months into college, he worked 40+ hours a week, went to night school and got high 90's in his classes. I was starting my first year of nursing school. I waited approx 4 hours after my classes ended to see him before his started. We saw each other for 5-40 minutes depending on the day. He didn't sit next to me on the school benches, he didn't kiss me. I felt insecure, I felt maybe he wanted to break up with me but didn't know how, I was confused and naively thought it was my fault and never suspected depression because in high school he made people laugh, socialized with everyone and he made it look so easy and natural. I didn't want to break up with him because I felt like he needed me to be his friend, that maybe there was something going on and he just needed a friend instead of a girlfriend.

I remember getting tired, crying all the time, wondering what was wrong. I finally asked him one day, why he didn't kiss me or hug me, why he didn't break up with me. I'll never forget the way he looked right at me and told me he didn't love me, that he couldn't love me. That he was depressed, taking pills and seeing a therapist. I remember him saying "If I wanted someone to kiss and F*** I could do that with anyone, but that's not why I'm with you". I had been right, he needed a friend. We didn't break up, he offered me the choice but I wanted to be with him. I cried that night, I felt embarrassed (what kind of nurse would I be if I couldn't see depression right in front of me?), I cried because I loved him and he could look me in the eyes and say he didn't feel that way anymore. It got better, I realized that no matter what I did love him, that my feelings weren't changing. The more we talked the more I saw he wanted to love me too.

There was one time where I wanted to leave. Where I was so sure of my decision. We were coming back from a road trip, he was very emotional (we went to see his grandfathers grave and old house, it was a lot). His parents started arguing and then he got mad and yelled at them. He became very quiet after. He just looked out the window, he wouldn't even look at me, I tried to study but couldn't. I just remember the tension in the car being so thick I felt like I was suffocating in it. I thought "this is it, this is my breaking point, he wants to get mad and then not even look at me, I can't take this, if this is going to be forever then I can't deal with it. I'm going to break up with him" I wanted to tell him right there in the car. It felt so clear to me. At that precise moment he leaned over and put his head on my shoulder (but I didn't look at him because obvs. I was mad) and I felt a drop fall on my arm, he was crying. I felt my heart break. My anger felt like a storm and his tear made everything go calm. I took a step back. Someone in another thread mentioned depression being like an invisible pet. That the depressed person needs to explain what the pet is doing (because how else do you know what an invisible thing is doing?). In that moment I didn't need an explanation, I saw everything the pet had done, I saw his frustration with it too. It didn't excuse his behaviour but I felt like I understood.

We didn't break-up, I don't think i've ever mentioned it to him. I didn't stay out of pity, I didn't stay because he was sad. I saw my emotional burn out. It encouraged me to come here, to talk about it with people who were experiencing similar things. I can never exactly say why I stay, it's not a checklist, for me my reason is a bunch of tiny reasons adding up to one big one. What I wanted to get across with these stories is that you will always have decisions, that they are 100% yours to make and you have to be comfortable with them. There is no one who will come and make the decision for you and in the end you won't want them to because the decisions we make shape us as people and help us grow. As hard as it is no one on this chat will ever be more qualified than you to decide your life.

In the end this is all up to you, no matter what you decide, to stay, to break-up, you are always welcome to the group to share, to talk. I'm sorry this is so long, i'm sorry I talked so much about myself, i'm sorry my last message was deleted (but it sounded kind of like this one and was probably longer). I wish you the best of luck in your decisions.

Hello!
Well, I am interested in hearing how you are doing? How is everything?

This is a long road...
roseislajames and supportive girlfriend both stated it... and I agree.
I too sometimes wonder what has made me stay. I’ve been on this forum for over 5 years now...
and I can’t tell you how many people have suggested to leave. Many, and then there are also many who have made it work.

I am at a burn out point myself right now, I’m so very tired and I can’t get the energy to keep going... but i will. Like rose... something in my bones tells me that this is right for me to stay. I love this man so much, he is my best friend and my love.

I wanted to share with you... you mentioned your family not being supportive of this relationship.
Mine is not either. And they very much gave me an ultimatum about 4 1/2 years ago. So I now don’t have family to turn to. Now, I do still talk with them but we aren’t close. And I know theoretically I could turn to them but I don’t want to- if you give me an ultimatum i don’t want you around. However, I wish I hadn’t talked with them about everything, that is something I feel we should be able to talk with them about but I learned I can’t. But damage was done...
I tend to be an open book so this was hard for me to deal with but I’ve learned to not spill my guts to every single person and I’ve learned to take a deep breath... but that was a hard blow.
I just want you to think about that before you keep talking with your family, just be ready for them to stop supporting. Or... just start talking up your boyfriend to them. We vent to family more than anyone... so they probably hear the worst, but sometimes they just need to hear their daughter is being taken care of :)
So just be aware of those conversations.

Brownielove mentioned losing the closeness of family because they didn’t think the relationship was healthy for her. I have told nobody in my family about my partner having depression or any of the struggles related to it. I don’t want them adding any negativity or treating her differently. Though family has your best interest at heart, nobody can understand a relationship unless you are in it. That is just my opinion.

Sigh. This is obviously your decision. But I will tell you that, had I known that this would be my life, I would not have married the man I married. I am still here because we have two children and I cannot afford to support myself and two toddlers. Eventually, I will probably divorce. I would agree with everything said above, including what your family says, that you are very young to be dealing with such heavy stuff, that his mental health is not your responsibility (you didn't cause it, and we all choose how to interpret the things that happen in our worlds). Ultimately, it is your choice. But it's also your life and you've only got one, and the longer you stay, the harder it is to leave. I hope you are able to make the decision for yourself (not for your partner only). I think reading this forum and how hard other people in your situation are struggling should contribute to your decision. <3

Thank you to everyone that has been replying. I really do have an internal battle with myself on why I shouldn't end things now. I know deep deep down that he's not my forever and I've known it for awhile i think. I was talking to my mom about how i felt that way and she told me to just calm down and focus on me right now. She said i don't need to make any big decisions right now. But if i know that we just aren't compatible and meant to be logistically in the long run, then am I in the wrong for not just ending it now? I somehow feel that its just not the right time to end our relationship now. He finally just moved up here into my apartment with me, started a new job, and started his depression medication. He really is trying to make himself better, i see it. But regardless of the depression, I honestly believe that in this scenario, love isn't enough. Because I do love him soooo much & he is my best friend. But i wish he saw what I see. That we just don't want the same things in life && I just can't take being in a relationship for the rest of my life with someone whose insecurities cause strain on us. Im just starting to feel guilty now for not sharing how i am feeling with him. i just don't want him to hate me. I care about him so much. I care about his well being and id want to know he's okay if we weren't together.

I just feel like he still needs me because he doesn't really have anyone else. Ive kept him on a straight path moving forward and If i leave him ill take the path away and he'll be lost again. I convinced him to seek help, to get a new job, to know that he's not worthless. How can I take that all away from him? So am i being selfish for sticking around when I know the truth or am I ignoring my feelings by putting his needs and mental health before mine?

I hear you. On my end, how do you divorce a suicidal person? Right?

His actions are not your fault. You're definitely not being selfish by sticking around. If anything, you're doing that for him. Maybe consider giving yourself (privately, not telling him) an expiration date? A couple months? I'm not sure this is the right thing to do, but if you feel confident about him before the expiration date, then you can go ahead and leave, and if you don't, then stay until the date you picked and then leave. Hopefully by then, he'll be established with his new job and his therapist (and maybe consider letting the therapist know what's going on?) and maybe have some support from his family etc? There's never going to be a good time. xo

There are days where I wish I’d never met him just so this would all go away. But I know we were put in each other’s lives for a reason. I do love him. But I am starting to feel like I was put in his life to save it. But not for me, i think I was put in his life to save it for his future girlfriend or wife. Which sounds terrible but I feel it’s true. && I feel like he was put in mine to give me strength & know my limits, && teach me how to love someone unconditionally, even when the world is against you. I am a nurturer & I know every partner that is in the same position as me is as well. We aren’t weak for staying, we are SO STRONG & SELFLESS because we put ourselves through hell to make sure our partners can make it to tomorrow. I really have learned a lot through this group. It’s given me a voice & a place to dump all my emotions and feelings out into because I’m supposed to be the strong one everyday. But here we are allowed to let it all out.

I feel guilty every day for having the knowledge I do. That I can’t be with this man for the rest of my life. But I know I’m staying for the right, wrong reason.

WhatIMeantoSay, I don’t know how to divorce a suicidal partner or even break up with a clinically depressed boyfriend... i guess that’s why we are still where we are.