Hi, I'm sorry you're in such a dark place.

The disease is the disease. You do the best you can to function with it, and yeah, sometimes we need surgery. If it improves your life, it's something to seriously consider but I know it is a big step and you have to work through the emotions of it. A lot of people here had the surgery and are really happy, thriving individuals. So just tuck that in the back of your mind if it comes down to having to make that decision.

But as far as the emotional stuff, you have to get help for that too. Are you getting some therapy to help you deal with things, and to express yourself? It can change things for you, how to cope with the disease, how to deal with the emotions, the strain on your relationship, etc.

Depression is a big part of having UC/Crohns. It just is. Depression can also make your physical health worse. So you need to take care of that side of your health, as much as you try to take care of your disease.

Are you physically immobile that you need so much assistance? I'm not judging just trying to understand that part.

I take anti-depressants. I have really bad joint pain. Currently my right leg keeps going numb. It use to go away when I would move around or stretch my leg out. And it was always limited to above my knee but now it is traveling down my leg and won't go away. It feels like its asleep but without that ant crawling feeling. My heart rate goes crazy but they said it is from pain. I am over weight but I have good cholesterol levels and blood pressure. I get kidney stones and infections often. I also have fatty liver. My gallbladder hurts all the time they said it is enlarged. I get really bad flank pain. I mean really bad all the time. My stools are usually white when this happens. They checked me for gallbladder stones but they said they could not get a good look at my gallbladder. I remember a long time ago it was mostly my stomach bothering me. But now I am dizzy and hurting and I can barely move. I have talked to many Drs about this. They gave me medications (neurontin and salsate) and told me the Remicade is the best thing to treat RA. I am not sure if i have been formally diagnosed with that or not. I throw up all the time and when I don't I am nauseated. And don't even get me started on my allergies. Between my right shoulder, my hip brusitis, my joints, my allergies, my endomitriosis might be coming back, and to top it off all the throwing up. I just feel so alone.

Whoah whoah, cool down you are not alone. There are so many of us who have been here before. I am 22 years old and have UC/ possible Crohns. I have had to have someone put my pants on for me, tie my shoes, carry me to a toilet! I was stuck in bed for three months! Couldn't move, couldn't work, couldn't do anything except dwell on how sick I was. My joints in my lower back and hips gave out and there was nothing the Doctors could think to do. I lost my boyfriend, my job, and my dignity. I had accidents everyday, when you can't walk you sure as hell can't run to the toilet! They put me on remicade, it almost killed me. They tried azathioprine, that almost killed me too. Immunosuppressive drugs aren't always the best. So I refused the humira when they asked. I had to flip my diet upside down, I too had gallstones and pancreatits. I had my gallbladder removed at 19 years old what the hell is that? Ask your doctor about Sulfazine, I have been threw the mill tried everything had everything wrong with me and this has been my savior. Some drugs work for some people and some don't. Doctors will try their best to not have to remove any of your intestine, but if there is no saving it move on you'll feel better without it anyways! Be happy it will really really realllllly change how sick you have been feeling. I wish you luck, and want you to know that you are definitely not alone I have been there too!

No, you're not alone. However, that doesn't change the fact that you feel alone. But that doesn't mean you can't reclaim your life either.

I know you're not asking for advice, but it may be good to hear different perspectives here. My impression, and forgive me if I'm wrong , is that there's more than just medical issues going on. I would seriously consider seeing a therapist or get counseling to help you manage all that you're experiencing, to have a forum for making changes. I think our emotional well being is directly related to our physical well being in so many ways.

Also, some antidepressants can make you feel physically ill, ie joint pain, nauseous, etc. So make sure it's not your meds compounding things. Also, there are other ways to assess your gallbladder. There's something called a HIDA test that will test for how well your gallbladder functions. I don't know if would say if you have stones, but it would measure in percentage how well your gallbladder is working. I've had normal ultrasounds on my gallbladder, only to have a HIDA scan show that it wasn't functioning at all, and then I had it removed. A bad gallbladder can make you feel awful with the pain and nausea.

Like I said, the disease (not sure if you have UC or Crohns) is what it is, but there is more to us than the disease, and much of that comes from how you cope and how you see yourself. Your self esteem can dwindle to nothing. So I think that's part of the puzzle too. But you have to find a way to take a stand and start chipping away at this. If that means changing your doctors and getting a fresh take on things, do it. If it means taking a stand at home, do it. If it means seeing a therapist to help you put together a plan for how to deal with things, do it.

I've had a lot of health issues over the last 10 years, and one that nearly killed me, but I never want to see myself defined by any of it. Illness is not who we are. It's a part of us sure, but you can't allow it be all that you are. I mean, sheesh I'm 48 years old and still feel like kicking ass. I don't care how sick I am.

Marlene. I'm sorry you have had it so rough. I too remember being that old and being that sick. When you reach 33 I pray you don't find yourself in my situation again. (because it is beyond lame) I am currently on Sulfazine. i take six a day. blech!

Sending you a huge hug and I am happy to hear you feel better. Thank you for replying to me.

rmb thank you so much. *hug*

And I was totally asking for advice. I woke up feeling more motivated. I do have a lot more going on than just the disease. Like I said I have had a very abusive and horrible life. And I would love to see a therapist but I am on free health care and they do not cover it. The last one I saw diagnosed me with PTSD. Frankly I thought after so long it would be all gone but some of it still remains. I still have nightmares. I still struggle with things.

I often have those dark days but thankfully I have not tried to take my life since I was fifteen. My one and only time and I still have a huge scar for it. I have two people I can turn to in case I ever feel like things are too much in person. And friends online that I can write to as well. And well this place.

I am totally asking the Dr about the HIDA test. Thanks hun.

By the way I almost fainted when getting my blood drawn. Like what the heck! I get IVs all the time and my blood drawn all the time and I have difficult veins which means I get poked at least twice per session. I have my blood drawn every 4-6 sicks plus my infusions every six. I was already dizzy and sick when I went in but I thought nothing of it because I am always that way. Then suddenly the room started darker and everyone started sounding far away. So embarrassing I had to go to another room and lay down. >.<

Doh!

Jessica- here is something that has worked for me and its support groups. Like this but in person and do what you are doing now by reaching out. It's free and it helps to hear how others are doing. Free support groups are everywhere too. It doesn't have to be for UC it can be for chronic pain, children of abuse or even al Anon. Like I said its free and it can be very healing to have people supporting you and rooting for you.

Start of by doing one nice thing for yourself every day. Take a bath, listen to music, try to get some fresh air, count your blessings. I had really bad depression and the only way to beat it is like beating anything- one day at a time. Soon you'll look back and be so proud of how far you've come.

Try to look at only the steps in front of you- not the whole mountain!

I suffered many years with uc. 3 years ago my intestines literally were in shreds. after 3 surgeries, I feel whole again. the pain is gone. sure there are still hurdles to cope with after surgery, but it beats all the bleeding and 16 pills a day. think about surgery, it will change your mind for the better. you are in my prayers.