Working with a therapist and having long term support does make change easier .

Your life sounds like a carbon copy of the way my life use to be!

When she told me she was divorcing me, I was actually a little happy and felt like a huge weight was being lifted from my shoulders but at the same time, I was terrified of living alone.

For over 24 years, I lived my life through my wife... By the time, the marriage was over, I didn't even know who I was anymore! Over time, it seemed to get better and I began to look at every day as a new adventure. I forgave myself for as many things I could think of as I kept asking questions of myself and digging deeper and deeper within my mind, practicing forgiveness of myself and of my ex.

It was in letting go of the resentments that healed my soul and gradually began to make life worth living again. That was 6 years ago and now I have a completely different outlook on life and I am happier then I have ever been.

There are some good books you can read such as "Codependants No More" plus many others. I found the internet had a vast amount of information on my problems and I searched for it often taking a little bit from here and there and calling it my own.

I kept myself busy doing things I enjoyed doing and I made new friends.
Good luck on your road to recovery and may you find peace and happiness.

God Bless

It has been hard for me to make my life. I have spent almost my whole life and made all my major decisions by reacting to others.

I chose my first husband as a reaction to dealing with my difficult mother. I chose my current profession because there was little risk and I knew I would always have a good job. (I do like my job, but it was definitely not my first choice for professions.)

Now that I am at a point in my life where I could mood my life into whatever I want I have no clue what I want.

I am having difficulty extracting my husband out of that equation.

For example:. I love to dance. I danced for 5 years in junior high and highschool. If I'd had my way I would have pursued it post high school. I didn't and that's okay. I'd really love to do it now. I was trying to encourage my husband to take lessons with me, but he doesn't want to, and since he doesn't want to, I too have given up on it.

I know that I should decide what I want and do it. It's okay that I do something away from him. I also need to give myself permission to do things just for fun. I don't do much of that.

Bob, your story does give me hope.

Sometimes we want the other person to change because it can be easier to focus on them rather than us changing. I am working on that one, making me be the change I desire. Your husband sounds like he has activities and interests, he just doesn't want to do anything with you. I am not sure this is depression. This is a concern for me with how you say he isn't interested in having a close and intimate marital friendship with you, as in being each other's best friends. I wonder if this is his way of holding on to something or controlling something. True intimacy and being vulnerable with other people can be very intimadating for some people. It might seem easier to keep people in their little boxes rather than sustain true intimacy. And with no sexual interest in you, it like being roommates rather than a true intimacy. What I might offer to you is to start creating your own life. Consider stopping trying to get him to love you more. Consider loving yourself first. This can be very hard work, I know because I had to actively work towards this and be okay with recognizing that I didn't love myself and for sure, I didn't put myself first. As you start to create your own life, doing things you want to do on your own, alone if need be, you will start to build emotional strength and reserve. You will figure out who you are and what you want your life to be. This is a lot scarier and a lot harder than just nagging someone else to change or love us more. Sometimes we just have to push ourselves to start somewhere, just start. For me, that first step is scary. But you are worth it, you are valuable, and you deserve to love yourself first. Consider setting a goal in the next year that you pursue a life that includes whatever your interests are, say start taking dancing lessons again on your own, by yourself. At the end of one year, you can go back to thinking about the husband and is he is capable of change. But for now, for the next 12 months, let your focus be on you being the source of the change. This is your life, are you who you want to be? If not, grab for those golden rings and make a baby steps start.

PS: I love The New Codependency, the updated version of Codepenents No More.