I can say that stuff I would never put up with but I have put up with a ton of other stuff.

We should never let people treat us with disrespect.

I ask myself the same question all the time. Sometimes I think I am too sensitive. I'm working on it.

People do get stressed and snap. The real issue is how we respond. The codependent models the exact type of behavior they want people to give to them hoping they will (or at least should) catch on. This is a prime example of indirect communication designed to allow the person making the request not have to make it. It's ineffective. Non codes do not try to figure out what others are thinking. The other problem is we also continue said behavior to elicit the approval of others at all costs. So not are we indirectly communicating, we are sending the same message for two different issues. This would drive anyone crazy. I don't know the full history here and honestly don't need to.

Bring up the issues. Let him get angry. Let him be responsible for his emotions. They are his, not yours.

Hi,

I agree on one hand that how we respond does matter. On the other, I also think that we should surround ourselves to the best of our ability with people who support us rather than try to tear us down. My latest strategy is detaching and just limiting my communication with certain extended family members. It would be much harder if it was my spouse.

You cannot control your husband's behavior, but you can remove yourself from him -leave the room, tell him good-bye and hang up the phone. People are entitled to their emotions, I agree, but I do not think that we have to tolerate their bad behavior.

Shar

Hi possum , No definately not .You so dont need to be treated badly . Swearing , disrespect for your feelings , you only wanted to help him so whats the problem ? Id say the problem lies with him not you , i dont know him but it could be alcohol or drug related or just a spoilt controlling man .
I look at my man and sometimes think he is so behaving like a child ...he never says sorry for any bad behaviour (which would make all the difference ) . He drinks far too much and is an alcoholic ......he too says im far too sensitive (seems to be there favourite saying when been told that they are a bully ) . I know at times im sensitive ......but no one is far too sensitive that they have to put up with endless abuse . Dont lay down he will walk on you
.stand up to him enough is enough . I did i packed his bags .......told him i love the nice david not the bully david . He is now thinking about councilling . (its a start)
A very good book to read is 'women who love too much "I found myself in that book . I think you will too. ............good luck H

I think that we are so afraid of being abandoned that we will tolerate this behavior rather than be alone. I finally did leave my controlling husband; but there will always be emotional vampires out there. The minute you have that "strange" gut feeling know that it's God's way of telling you that this person is WRONG for you.

I often question my sensitivity to issues too. I've always looked for validation about how I feel about a situation. I've often asked "would that make you mad? Would this have hurt your feelings?" My husband has always said "if it matters to you, then its worth it!" I'm doing my best to live by that now. If it made me mad, it's worth it. If it hurt MY feelings, its worth it.

My STBX said mean things a lot, to me and the kids. I took it for YEARS, and I too was told I'm too sensitive sometimes. I don't think it's good to become insensitive to someone being mean to you. I became insensitive, and then eventually just shut down. Wasn't really living. I had to get out to save my and our kids' sanity. Now that he has no one to yell at he says he's all better now and has no more anger issues! Interesting.

I have been reading a lot, online about bullying behavior in order to help me to understand, and iimprove my response to bullying. One of the things that bullies do, is "blindside" their targets. Notice that I said target, and not victim! When a bully blindsides you, it takes you off guard, and weakens your response. Practice responses to bullying in the mirror, to empower yourself when a bully attacks, so that you are ready for them. Some of the things that I practice saying are "Thank you for sharing your opinion". "What is your point?" "No matter what you say, I'm not going to feel bad about myself." Sometimes bullies like to tell us how "we" think and feel. When someone makes a bad guess about my thoughts or feelings, I tell them that they have "Made a bad guess, that is incorrect." When i was a child, my mother DEMANDED that while she was yelling at me, I stand perfectly still, don't flinch, or show any signs of emotion. What happened to me was, I never developed successful coping skills with bullies. The worst response to a bully attack is to ignore it. And, above all, when you do respond to a bully, smile, and be calm. Think of yourself as in control of the situation. Take control a few times, and you will feel empowered. I practiced different phrases in the mirror, and it has helped me so much! Good luck to you. Be strong.

You NAILED it! It's bullying. I wonder how many of us would put up with our kids being bullied at school ...

Been there for sure. I sure empathize with you on hearing you are "too sensitive" I hear that at times, not as much now even though I don't think I have changed. I don't think I could be as helpful to a person like that without feeling a lot of resentment around it. I'm a pretty co-dep person,I think, and I am just amazed at what you took on and look after him and the kids. Wouldn't it be nice to ab able to take care of yourself a little bit. All us co-deps sure do try to look after others don't we

Hi....my husband is emotionally absent....and verbally abusive. He is always mad at some thing or some one. I dread the weekends when he is not at work, due to him sitting around the house and being a very nasty person. He never speaks kindly to me... and is always offensive. He leaves when he is really upset...and comes back when he feels like it. He does not respect me at all....and when I try to speak to him about this.....he yells....slams the door as he leaves.... and swears at me. I can not change him.....I can only take care of me.....very tired of living this way.......I guess I just do not want to be alone. So.... I find myself spinning my wheels in a marriage that is hopeless... unless he seeks counseling.

When some people here say their spouse is abusive it reminds me of my mom. She always was saying it about my dad, and it was true. He was just like your H bubsee.

I know I put up with so much out of fear. Extreme fear. Even though things are no good as they are, we fear things will be worse if we decide to make it stop. We can rationalize it away, and I do it all the time.

Don't end up like my mom, she never got out. She never had the opportunity to see life without my dad. You should seek counseling, too. Don't stand for that kind of abuse from anybody. If he won't listen to you, as in being kind enough to respect your rights, then you can't stay.

I am not facing the same situation, but I am facing a similar relationship that troubles me.

Sadly, I think we put up with all the bullying and abuse but it is exactly what we do to ourselves. We ( or atleast I did) seek out those who validate the my own negative treatment. Now that I am kinder to myself. I have a hard time swallowing, accepting and agreeing to the unkind treatment of others.

Well said trainergirl...

I've put up with this, in the past, for many, many years...I stayed. I stayed because I was weak ( in the beginning ), I stayed out of fear of being alone, I stayed because we have children, I stayed as I had NO WHERE to go....and finally, I stayed because that little spec of hope remained...
I agree it's part how you respond, but in essence, he needs to behave better. Would he want to be treated like he treats you? Would he treat a newly formed relationship that way?
I would recommend building up yourself before working to change or correct him. He will change when he is ready, and if he wants to, or if he is made to (by you changing...) anyway, there are coda/alanon, counseling, and group therapy, and also, a variety of self help books which can provide you with tools to 'react' in a less co-dependant way to his behavior and help you with what to say, how to say it to protect yourself and stop him in his tracks.
For me, once I was able to get myself in a better place, I was able to clearly show him how he was wrong, but I had to get to that 'no reaction' and no 'lashing out' stage of argument/in the moment issues...I also had to set up boundaries for me before I could point out his behavior and how it broke down my boundaries, etc. Once I felt strong and secure, I started with a simple statement...I told him that this statement would be used when he crossed the line, and that he would not get a rise out of me...this took him 2 months to comprehend, understand, and then also abide by. 2 MONTHS...But, it worked.
When we would argue, he would start shouting out stuff - then, name calling, all with yelling...when I could contain myself and not react, I would state, 'well, that is NOT very nice, you hurt my feelings, and this is turning into something else, and I'm walking away now." He did not like it...I had to explain on multiple occasions that it is pointless for us to argue and then fight about it and yell because we never resolve anything and then I feel like crap and he's mad...We need to work as a team and figure this out, or, we need to figure out how to separate (this, came much later in my recovery). My point is, if you know you are co-dependent, work on yourself, get your mind around which parts are needing the most attention...your reaction, your tone, your self-respect, your needs...find that out and start with it. Once you figure out what it is you want (rather than just don't want) then you can gain the tools and strength to tell him and express what you expect, need, and want. :) Oh....and on another note, remember, you are a girl, you are more sensitive, and that is okay...he needs to remember he married a woman, not a buddy...