Hi Friend,

I am still working on self-esteem, too, but I can tell you that what gives me a boost is putting myself out of my comfort zone and trying something new. For instance, I called someone new in one of my organizations and invited her to go with a group of us to an event on Saturday. That is something I never even think of doing. She came with us and we all had a great time. She e-mailed me thanking me for including her. And I feel empowered.

The thing is, there is a chance of being rejected when we do these things (and it does not have to be exactly what I did). But every time you do something outside of what your "normal" is, it helps build confidence/self-esteem.

Taking care of self does not necessarily mean bubble baths, lol, although they are nice. To me, it means thinking about what I need to take care of (my responsibilities) and doing them. It means paying attention to my internal tapes and refuting the lies to self. There is a lot of internal struggle for me - what I think I "should" do and what I want to do.

For me, there has been no magic wand with all this. It is very much a struggle at times. I have to watch what I am saying to myself. But, each time I have a success, it gets better (even if I backslide sometimes).

Just yesterday, a woman from church requested something from me that I did not wish to do. My old Shar reaction would have been po'd and I would have been saying things to myself like "Doesn't she think I do enough already, she pokes her nose into something and then tries to give me the work, blah, blah."

And I will not say that I did not feel annoyed when I read the e-mail. But, I reminded myself, "She can ask whatever she wants, my responsibility is to take care of me. What do I want to do?" Then I sent her an e-mail that said that I could not help her that day. Done. This is me taking care of me. :-)

P.S. One trick I use on myself for procrastination is to set the timer for 15 minutes to work on a task I do not want to do. It is kind of like playing a mental game with myself to get moving.

Hugs,

Shar

I agree totally with Sharmlynn.......its a long process but little things help.....eating well.....staying off food that is not good for you, exercise...reading.....but the big one for me is boundaries. Amelah knows about my neighbour who is a bit 'odd' and has started sending me poetry..it makes me so uncomfortable but i didn't want to hurt his feelings....but he's overstepped a boundary and my job is to tell him, so I've just written a short sharp note (a first for me)...now ive got to try and not feel guilty. As for self esteem...i totally recommend 'The 7 pillars of self esteem' I'm just about to work through that book properly........there's a lot of exercises to do that really release you from old patterns xx

Aggression, in the form of physical exercise, certainly helps me!

It also helps me to get deeply involved with OTHERS. This takes my mind off myself, and puts it in YOU.

I love the feeling of getting totally lost in something, or someone, that I care about, then behaving in a way that affects positive change, builds something, etc.

I love watching movies, and getting deeply involved with the actors portraying characters on the screen. There is that moment when I'm so completely absorbed in them that I completely forget myself, and I love that. I think it's called "suspension of disbelief". It's a transcendance, a sort of trance, an alternate reality, to be sure, but a reality that is no less real, and no less intense, than ours.

Very helpful advice. What you said Shar: " But every time you do something outside of what your "normal" is, it helps build confidence/self-esteem." Yeah. That's helpful -- the way you worded that.

Because I read something online re. Self-Esteem that said: "One generally develops self-esteem & self-confidence through life accomplishments." I immediately got depressed because my life accomplishment are far & few between.... my Self-Esteem plummeted more, if you can believe that.

But what you said is more on target: "Every time you do something outside of what your "normal" is, it helps to build..." Sounds more gentle than something as weighty as "Life Accomplishments."

Also, the idea that taking care of ourselves is not necessarily about bubble baths is so true. Because all that happens is that I go in feeling tense & come out looking all pruned and bedraggled. You're right: taking care of my responsibilities, paying attention to the internal tapes & speaking back to them. Yeah, that is self-care. That is the Magic Wand.

Thank You thegobetween, for the book recommendation. I will put it on my list of "to be read." Thanks!

Yeah, koolman, doing service for others can be a self-esteem builder. Thanks for the reminder.

Ok, time to take these notes and add them to my journalling wall. (A wall I write on at home ) Thanks!

Also, those who accomplish great things EMBRACE fear, LOVE fear.

Talented movie director Steven Spielberg says "If I don't feel those butterflies (of how am I going to do this) when I read a script, i don't want to make the movie."

So fear is a good thing! It motivates! Conquering it is in itself an accomplishment! That's what others meant about stepping outside your comfort zone.

For me what works is saying that all this stuff is ok, being codependent is ok. Being certifiable is ok : ). When I first got into CoDA, I thought I needed to fix all my "deficiencies". Now I see that they just are, and for me, this makes them easier to deal with. Knowing who I am and accepting who I am and learning to see why these things are going on inside me gives me a prospective that doesn't make my reactions so intense. And even if they are intense I don't beat myself up so much. I say being crazy is really ok, I have to believe that, to know that I am is the really important part for me : ).

In my experience, it happens a little bit over time. I see it like a fitness goal. Its going to take work, patience time and maybe some setbacks, but with hope, the work being done and the right plan, it will happen.

I suck @ self esteem.

Well, now, that's refreshingly honest, BeattieFan! Thanks for making me laugh!

You're right, Jonota. It's about self-acceptance, even embracing our own issues (or what I call "my own brand of crazy") ...

Similar to what you wrote, koolman, I just came across this really great quote that I think sums up the self-esteem issue -- and resonates with what Shar said about doing something outside our norm:

"Life begins at the end of your Comfort Zone."

You're right, trainer girl. One step at a time, like a fitness plan.

Thanks!

You're welcome! ;o)

A lot of great comments. I struggle so much with self-care and setting healthy boundaries. I feel so GUILTY when I think I might hurt someone else. Especially with my significant others...I care more about their pain than my own. But I see it with my kids...easier to give in then to see them upset or angry or disappointed. I'm trying to remind myself that it's okay to buy myself time so I can step back from the emotion of the moment.

A lot of great comments. I struggle so much with self-care and setting healthy boundaries. I feel so GUILTY when I think I might hurt someone else. Especially with my significant others...I care more about their pain than my own. But I see it with my kids...easier to give in then to see them upset or angry or disappointed. I'm trying to remind myself that it's okay to buy myself time so I can step back from the emotion of the moment.

Oops!

Hi amelah, I can very much relate to this.

Realise that you are OK as you are :) You ARE deserving of love and consideration, even if there are people in your life right now who don't treat you with those things. If they don't, it is because of THEIR stuff and the fact that they are not capable of those things, not because you don't deserve them.

My mother has always told me that I am a 'bitch', I remember her saying to me 'you are nothing but a little bitch', etc, as I was growning up, not all the time but often enough for me to come to believe that I must be a bitch if the person who is meant to know me and love me more than anyone could say that to me. I have never heard her say it to my sister, only me, which led to me deciding that she really must be saying this to me because it was true, what other explanation was there?! I have just always assumed it was true- trust me, believing this sort of shit about ourselves does NOT lead to good self-esteem.

I have stepped away from my family quite a bit lately, I have been spending more time with some kind, caring people who actually seem to think that I am pretty terrific as I am- they treat me well, they consider my feelings, they say kind, encouraging and positive things to me.

I listed these good people that I have in my life at the moment to my counsellor the other day and I asked her, "why is there still that voice in the back of my mind saying 'They just don't know you as well as your mother, she might still be right"'. And my counsellor made 2 comments that I have been pondering on since...

The first was, she asked why wasn't I on that list of people who are treating me well and being kind and encouraging and loving toward me?? Where was I on that list? I need to be doing those things too. And to be honest, it had never occurred to me until then that I needed to be on that list. I need to be treating myself that way too.

The second thing she said was 'dispute it, argue it'. Argue with that voice. Use your affirmations and argue with that voice!! When I walked out, I was thinking, how on earth am I going to argue with this voice that has been there my whole life?? But over the last few days, I have come up with a couple of good arguments against it. It is hard, it is painful, but I am getting there. And that conversation with her has made me realise that this belief that I am ok has to come from WITHIN me, it can't come from anyone else, it has to come from me, otherwise it can be taken away from me all to easily and I will be blown about by other people's opinions of me.

So argue with that voice that tells you that you aren't as good as others! It is NOT telling the truth and you need to argue it. That voice is left over from the family dysfunction. Don't believe everything that you think, especially if those thoughts have come from unhealthy people along the way. A big hug and lots of good recovery thoughts to you :)

I agree with NOT doing false affirmations, or the affirmations which feel false.

I say an affirmation must be true and or realistic or else it hurts me.

As like an affirmation of - I can fly - well no I can not fly, or that I am some wonderful person - well no I am not.

I say the best affirmation that ever worked for me is that - I intend to try to be as honest and as truthful as I possibly can be.

That is an affirmation of action, as in I then do the action and thereby do the affirmation instead of just thinking it.

Because - the truth will set you free.

From honesty with one self and honesty to others then everything else including self esteem comes out of it.

And that includes my right to make mistakes or to be wrong, because I do try to be truthful and yet I am not perfect.