So I well place the story of what happened and continue at the bottom....
A little back ground on me. I was married for 7 years to someone who cheated on me a lot. say 30+ times all different people. so after years of therapy and counseling I decided I didn't want anymore of it so I left. (reason I never left sooner was I felt she NEEDED me) About 2 weeks after I left her I met someone at my job and we fell hard in love. I mean hard like the kinda love that makes you feel like you got hit by a semi truck. Little Issue, she has a long term boyfriend that she lives with. So that's when I became what I hated most, the other man. We snuck around for a couple months, then she decided she no longer wanted to be with him but with me. She left him and about 5-6 months later we moved in together. Everything was great the first year in, I believed she had just found a better man and that's why she cheated on him. It wasn't just sex it was love. and that brings me to what happened two weeks ago. I started to take notice that she had a habit of lying to almost everyone. When I talked to her about it she said sometime she enjoys it and like to see if she can make them do what she wants. I would notice she would lie about things that meant nothing like where we had gone that day. I told her it made me feel uncomfortable because if she's lying to everyone we know, I'd be a idiot to think I'm the only one she's telling the truth to. Then one day I started to notice different behaviors and suspicious phone and internet activity. I noticed she was chatting with someone while laying in bed with me at 2am. Because of my past experience I'm like a damn private investigator and knew how to find out what I wanted to find out. I discovered she was using Facebook to have long interpersonal conversations with a guy she had met. She met him while she was studying at her friends house for school. However; I also learned that they were not studying they were in fact drinking. I discovered this while reading the messages. There was no overt sexual discussions but did appear to be two people learning about each others hopes, dreams, fears and desires. With no mention of me of course. I brought this to her attention and she claimed it was innocent however she did accept that it was inappropriate and disrespectful to me. I told her that because of my past I'm very sensitive to this and it has violated my trust in her. She also stated she didn't trust me because I was able to violate her privacy instead of coming to her about the issue. We decided to work on trusting each other more. Just the other day I was working on my motorcycle because she decided that she needed to go to work on her day off to pick up some hours. We talked and she stated that she needed to work as much as she can due to looming tuition payments. she stated after she got to work she may leave at 3p but she wanted to stay till 7p. When I finished fixing my motorcycle I decided to go to the store for a test ride. While there I purchased a bag of gummie bears for her, it's her favorite. I decided to drop them off at her work so she could snack on them. I walked in and attempted to find her but no one could locate her. I was them informed that she had left by her own choice (1:30pm) even tho they wanted her to stay later. As I'm walking out I start to have a panic attack. All kind of old feelings and insecurities came rushing back. I attempted to contact her but it kept going to voice mail. approx 7 try's later she picks up. I inquire where she is at and she states shes at her friends apartment complex (the one she was partying at) to get info about a possible apartment since our lease is coming due. I flipped my shit but kept my cool. I told her that if she says she's somewhere she needs to be there or let me know of the change. I told her we need time apart and that she needs to spend the week at her parents till we can decide if this relationship is worth saving. That is where I am at right now. I know how it looks, I know i'm not the exception to the rule. I know past issue = future issues. I've done it and have multiple shirts showing my stay. I love her so much to where it hurts and I'm so afraid. cannot sleep for more then a few hours before the nightmares start. Food doesn't taste the same I've dropped 15lbs already. When I can eat it's not much since I feel like there is a blender inside me. Everyone I know who knows us and the situation except one person. says the same she did it with you she'll do it to you. They all says I'm better off but it doesn't feel better. It helped to write this out, please be gentle with the responses the wound is still open.
Posted on 08/19/15, 07:05 pm

Update:

The past few days have been a real hell for me. I was on my motorcycle trying to clear my head, I couldn't stop crying and didn't see the uneven pavement ahead. I came very close to hitting the guard rail at 80mph. I thought about a lot of things on the side of that interstate that night. I got home and couldn't stop sobbing. she hadn't talked to me since I asked her to leave. The fear of not knowing the outcome was unbearable. I called her and begged her to come over and talk. She did, and after a very long conversation about our past relationships, how we came into our relationship and what we both want for ourselves and each other in the future. We decide to break it off, For the both of us. She's finishing school and working on going to therapy for her issues. I just got notified I was selected to a team at my company that pays very well but requires me to leave the country for months at a time. While I'm away I'm going to work on me and not have any relationships for awhile. I don't need to bring my distrust and unhealthy behaviors to any future relationships. We will remain friends since she is my best friend and I'm hers. Things have already started to get better. I slept more today, ate a full meal without feeling like I was getting sick. The pains in my stomach has mostly subsided. It was mutual understanding of our problems and what the other person expects from each other. Maybe one day we will be able to try this again. But for now we need to be separate. I still love her dearly, always will. I know she feels the same. "

I would feel pain if I didn't talk to her, or saw her. I would get angry then when I saw her feel calm again. I'll continue this tomorrow when I have more time.