Codependency Support Group
Codependency is defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for another person's struggles. A codependent person may try to change, or feel shame about their most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with the other person's struggles. If you are on a journey towards self-love, this support group is for you. Join us and find others...
I'm asking myself that question as I have another stupid argument with my partner.
Well, it's not an argument because I don't know how to argue. He yells at me and I shut down and go sulk in my room. That's my MO. Don't how to yell back.
I'M SO FUSTRATED. I'M COMPLETELY PARALYZED. WHAT THE F*** DO I DO? I don't want to imprison myself in my room like I always do, and he has mocked me about, but I don't know what to f*****ng do. No wonder people throw things and bang walls. I don't know wha to say. No clue. Never argued in my life. Just slink off like a coward and hide. I WANT TO BREAK SOMETHING I AM SO TIRED OF HOLDING EVERYTHING IN AND ALWAYS BEING IN THE WRONG. I HATE HIM. I HATE HIM AND I HATE MYSELF.
Okay, so what happened was this - I come home first because my work is closer and I've always locked the door after I close it. Always had. It's muscle memory for me to lock doors when I walk in. Three days ago it got really cold so he got mad that he had to unlock the door because after his long walk home he doesn't want to have to fumble with keys and stuff, which I understand. Well, yesterday, I locked it again, he asked me what my problem was, but he wasn't giving me the silent treatment like he usually does when I annoy him (he's actually been improving himself on that front), so I still had a chance to redeem myself today.
Well, today, I walked in, and as I was walking in, this stray dogs he feeds runs into our house, so I close the door behind, keeping it UNLOCKED because I wanted to get it right for once. But then I got annoyed with having his stray dog in the house so I opened the door to try to get her out, which she refused, so I closed the door and out of habit, without realizing it because it's such a nonthinking habit, I locked the door right afterward. it didn't even click in my mind that I locked it.
So when I hear him struggling with the lock instead of walking straight in, I was shocked. I thought I left it unlocked. That stupid f*****ng dog, if it wasn't for her, it would stayed unlocked. I know it's my fault, not hers, but I'm pissed because I had it unlocked, took the effort and thought to unlocked it, and it didn't bloody matter.
And of course he exploded at me. I got so mad at the whole situation that for the first time in our ten year relatioship I yelled, "AUGH!" because that's all I can yell because I DON'T KNOW HOW TO FUCKING ARGUE, and then I stormed into my room and stayed there, and I'm still here, and I have no idea what to do next.
I've been pacing asking myself, "what the hell do I do?"
Normally, I stay in my room, stay out of the way, stay small, until things blow over and he's no longer mad, but I don't want to do that anymore. I'm sick of holing myself up. I hate that I lose days and weeks like that. Someone told me I don't have self-respect because I do that, but I don't know what else to do.
Do I yell at him back? Do I try to get him to understand that I did care about not locking the door, but ... but what? Everything I try to think of saying to him sounds trite and stupid. What's there to say? I suck as a human being because I can't remember to keep it unlocked even though it wasn't a problem until three days ago? No, of course not. I don't know.
I just know that I don't want to hole myself up in this stupid room walking on eggshells anymore. I am so sick of it. Of course I've thought of leaving. Poeple who have been on forum and remember me from before knows I thought of leaving, but leaving requires talking and I don't talk.
Bloody, stupid, can't speak, no words, stupid stupid stupid. complete at lost here. what would someone who respect themselves do in this situaton? I guess speak. what would they say?
Edited later to add: I think the reason why I'm at such a loss at what to do, and why I'm pacing and paralyzed and feeling stuck is that the thought of leaving him fills me with complete dread and sadness, even though being in this relationship is one of loneliness, resentment, dissatisfaction, and constant frustration. It feels like a living death being with him. I'm so depressed. But the thought of not having him in my life fills me with such a sense of grief and it's going to hurt so much and it's like ripping my heart apart. I still want his approval and love, even though staying with him is so such a sad, lonely affair.
Maybe I freeze up and don't know what to say because I'm afraid if I speak up and tell the truth, the only thing outcome of that is me saying, "sorry, we can't give each other what we need. I don't want to be a relationship where we're both a constant source of disappointment to each other." The thought of that makes me cry and cry.
Maybe if I could finally accept that, maybe if I could be okay with that outcome, I'd know what a person who respet herself would say or do in situation. Let me know what she would say though.
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It's been some time since my last post...sorry. I've been going through a challenging time with the sale of my home, purchase of a condo and my adult asperger son that lives with me. I've had days where I couldn't get out of bed, days where I stayed in my pj's and days where all I managed to do was eat, drink fluids and take care of my Sweet Mia kitty. Sweet Mia came to me from a shelter about...
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If I come to DS and it won't do anything when I click "Login", I go to a post, click and then click "Leave a Reply". Then it will let me log in.Of course, sometimes DS just goes to "Error 504". Then I can't log in.
A big part of that healthy lifestyle is honesty. Mostly with myself but with my GF too of course.
She’s a little OCD but in ways that I totally get. I have been with her since day one of helping her set up her apartment. From scratch…. Like first night she had a mattress on the floor and kitchen stuff I brought her. It’s a sanctuary space for her now and I just go with the flow of helping her organize and decorate. That’s most Sunday afternoon lol.
She also locks the door upon entry. I have my own key. I live in a remote location and the well water is very good so I bring her water in heavy glass containers because the treated tap water she has isn’t very drinkable. Every week I have to set down all these bottles at the top of the stairs , unlock the door and bring them in. No problem. I never ONCE thought of asking her to leave it unlocked. Her habit is to lock the door. Ya, that’s what a woman living alone should do.
I’m a grown man who can take a key out of my pocket and turn a few locks.
OMFG and to argue with you that you don’t bend to his will is so IMMATURE!!!
I’ve never understood how people can start petty arguments. I don’t raise my voice and I don’t have the pathological NEED to be right. That’s not how self respect is developed. Or inner peace for that matter. I’d much prefer to have peace and a healthy relationship than drama. However, I am leaning that some just seem to want the drama. I think it distracts them from getting a good look at themselves (with honesty:)
Personally I think you have every right to simply say: I lock the door, that’s what I do, get over it. If you aren’t able to handle that then I think it’s time for a discussion about where we go from here. Because healthy people are able to accept that their partners are different from them and that is a good thing.
Hugs:)
Sadly, my thought is you don't feel good about yourself. From knowing you on DS I have always found you to be a kind person.
I wonder if you had some trauma in your youth or young adult life which made you silent when someone became a Bully...yes, his behavior to me is immature and bully behavior.
Only if you feel safe and ready to make a step towards what could be independent living....If he has an e-mail, could you copy and paste what you wrote...in addition tell him you'd like to sit down and talk..By E-mail....focus On Talking Back And Forth to find common ground to work on the relationship?
Best Of Luck CHA <3
Your last paragraph helped a lot. It helped me realize that I need to feel safe about the possibility losing this relationship, so I'm going to concentrate on that as a first step. Thank-you <3
Your soul and mind knows you need to stop living with this man and work on healing yourself. But then you second guess yourself because you still haven't made this guy love you enough to find you not annoying. Good insight. Every day, please tell yourself that you matter.
Your brain is still stuck in that garbage bag. You were screaming as a baby/child because of the trauma and stress and your mom was stressed out also. This is what happens with trauma, the brain and body get stuck sometimes.
If you can fix him, make him love you and find you not annoying, then our minds tell us the falsehood that we will fix our childhood traumas and sorrows. He only perpetuates all the trauma your brain is steeped in. You matter and deserve to find your healing. I think trauma takes a deeper type of therapy and is harder to heal on our own. But worth taking care of yourself.
I remember someone asking me what the best compliment I got, and my response was this person who was hard to get along with and didn't like people saying to me, "you don't annoy me like other people do." I've always gravitated towards "difficult" and like hard to please and misanthropic people, people who generally don't like other people, and I find their approval and praise as a huge ego boost. It's like, "yes, I got these people who don't like people to like me. I must be hot stuff."
I am fantastic at being what other people like or need, no matter how picky or hard-to-please they are. My partner takes hard-to-please and disliking people to a whole new level, but the first couple of years of my relationship with this dude was awesome because I was so goddamn good at meeting his every need and getting him exactly what he wanted. It felt like such a high that I please this guy to whom everything and everyone in life was a disappointment. But I wasn't a disappointment to him. Ain't I cool.
And then I started to disappoint him, and it got worse and worse, and I got more confused and worn out and desperate. Ever now, when a lot of me wants to leave, a huge part of me wants to stay and "get it right." A huge part of me wants a chance to be able to leave the door unlocked and get everything else he wants done correctly so I can get 100% on the "Making Him Happy" test. I can't tell you how insane that longing is. It's bloody strong.
I don't think I want to fix him though. A lot of people talk about wanting their partner to change. I never in our 10 years relationship ever asked him to change anything. (I'm not kidding when I say I don't speak out in this relationship. We don't talk.) I never ask people to change. I try to change myself to fit their needs. And then I kick myself when I fail to do so.
I don't know how to change that about myself. And therapy isn't really helpful because I spend the therapy session trying to make the therapist happy and give them what they need and get their approval.
But wow, I couldn't figure out why I'm still staying when I feel so sad and lonely and FRUSTRATED, and you, you amazing woman, you, helped me figure out that piece of the puzzle. Baby in the garbage bag is still trying prove she's not annoying and she's worthwhile, and I'm still dying and fantasizing of getting his approval and him saying, "you don't annoy and disappoint me like other people."
Dammit, I need to talk to that baby. This could get emotional.
Thanks for your help!!!!!!! <3