So in February it's my good friend's birthday and my dad's birthday.  My friend is not having the usual get together with all of us women as it's gotten pretty heated. I feel a bit bad, like I caused the rift and the fall apart as I spoke up recently about being uncomfortable. I was uncomfortable with people pressuring me to try and function at my normal level with a badly broken leg. I felt I needed to set boundaries there.

As a result, they either have decided to carry on without me, or the group is just drifting.  My friend finally called me yesterday.  She said that she's not going to be doing group things anymore. I guess that's fair.  About three or four years ago she was expressing discomfort and doubt about our friend group-she felt  that one person was very narcissistic.  I was also feeling very unseen, unheard and disrespected in general.  I finally spoke up and said that I felt like I was just sitting there, while others talked and talked and talked about themselves. I felt so unimportant. I gradually felt like things just revolved around others.  It hit a crisis point when I broke my leg before my graduation party.  I had the sense one person wanted to take control of the situation and sort of make it about her-her choice of activities and venue, all the while when I was housebound and in pain.  Per my doctor I had to cancel social events. She started to take the reins and initiate plans about my event without consulting me. It was too dangerous for me to go out, so I spoke up.  This is also the same person that moved cross country into my friend's house, quit her job, and is now totally dependent on her. Weird situation.  She's been there six months now and I really want to stay out of that. 

After I spoke up, well everything fell apart, or I've being dropped. I'm sad we won't be celebrating my friend's birthday.  

Also it is my dad's birthday-the same week. I wasn't invited this year.  I have a very fraught history with him.  Back in the day, he was an alcoholic and very violent.  There were several years that we didn't speak.  He was also severely narcissistic.  In the past years my mom has been trying to get me back involved.  I had declined to attend his birthday last year not because of him, but because my brother is also very violent and explosive.  We did do Christmas and Thanksgiving together this past season, which says a lot given the history. But it looks like I won't be asked to his birthday.  It occurred to me, and then I remembered: "This is the man who was so abusive when I was a teenager, that he told me he wished he could beat me up even worse-to the point I would have to have plastic surgery to even be recognizable."  True story. This happened when I was ninteen.  This memory came back to me and then I realized...oh here we are again...this was the hot and cold narcissist...the one who told me as a child he wanted to expel me from Christmas...and why am I disappointed in his old age that it's gone this way??? It's not like he's a different person...just very old now.  As a child he was extremely violent and unpredictable. Could never tell when he was sober or drunk, lucid or insane.  I may not be missing anything and to an extent am somewhat unbothered.