You need to limit your contact with the dysfunctional sister. Be there for the sick one, and leave the room when the bad sister shows up. That's all you can do. You know you can't control or change her. She's just being her. She doesn't know any other way to be. You can only do what you can for YOURSELF. Ultimately how your bad sister feels about you is none of your business. I'm sure those that know her know she has issues, so they probably take what she says with a grain of salt anyway. Families are tough - but you can limit your contact. That's all you can do.

From what you've written one thing is obvious...you're NEVER going to get it "right" by them. You can continue to attempt to pull yourself through that knot-hole and its not going to matter. They can say and think whatever the hell they want, as long as you know in you're heart that you're doing the right thing for you, because YOU MATTER. They may think so, but they don't get to control who has a relationship with anyone else. Let them stay stuck in the BS, don't waste your time and good energy on it anymore. The only way I can tell you to do this is to make a conscious decision to say I'm done doing it. When the thoughts start, literally tell yourself out loud "I'm not doing this" and move on to something productive. You can think about it 24/7 but guess what, it won't change a damn thing!

Absolutely right. You have to change the self-doubt tune in your head. Change the channel. Nothing you do will be good enough for them. Once you finally realize this, then you can make a conscious effort to take care of yourself and then who cares what they think.

So sorry you're hurting and your sister is ill! The mental merry-go-round is no fun. It is amazing how we are hard-wired to believe that family is sacred or almost holy. But really we are just animals. Families are like different species. Few families remain intact forever. Most families protect and care for their young. But once the young are able to take care of themselves, it becomes a different story. Also, there are defined grief stages that we ALL go through, though at different rates. (Google Grief Stages). We'll take it out on those closest to us. Focus on you and your sick sister and let everyone else grieve as they need to. When this family drama is over, if possible, drop your past family baggages & move at least an hour away. Minimize contact with them (Christmas card is enough). Make new friends. Through new friends and new activities, you'll get a surrogate family who loves you for who you are today. My surrogate family here is better for me than my blood family 3,000 miles away. I wish you courage and blessings.

thanks for the comments. they help i have been off work for 2 days with no contact and i feel more balanced and much better. i feel so under appreciated by them. going to wokr on this alot as the benefit comes and get it over with and move on and pray and thank god that i have good friends and stop the contact with those that i fel bad about myself being around. thank you all so much for the support and i must move on and not feel guilty about what i need to do to protect myself and let go of the family emeshment

still so full of resentment and bitterness and sorrow. so angry that i have tried so hard to get my sisters approval an am always the bad one. all the times that i needed them and they wer not there for me in anyway. no time for me or my family. i keep praying and i am still just thinking about it all constanly as soon as i wake up and whenever i am not busy. feel sick and so angry. what is wrong with me?

letter to my sisters-comments wanted and needed
To my family. I am always been your #### scapegoat and the one who just is always asking for something that you all cant give me-belonging, acceptance, and compassion. Twisting my every word and gesture as self centered and selfish. While you all were exactly that and putting out your we are family and we just love each other and if you could just go along with everything and give us what we need, we would accept you. Even moved close to you all and still it just not ok. You dont come to my house, you dont share my joys and sorrows. You dont acknowledge my kids accomplishments , its all about your kids and they are a bunch of addicts that cant handle life without mommy helping them. Upset that I dont drop all and run to st louis when sister had to go there when her brain tumor where found and I hear that all are so surprised that I was not there to support you. Oh yeah what about my son that was sick for months as I sat at home with him giving him iv antibiotics around the clock, as you all partied with your friends. When your drunk I am your best friend and you love me so much. Next day dont answer your phone and dont follow through with plans that were made to do as sisters. Tell me that I am petty and that my kids are. Really at least they can handle their lives. Ask me write you RXs when I have told you that I cant and could loose my job if I did. If I did and lost my job- would say well you dumb ass you should have not done that. Been told well if we arent enough for you find others. Oh and if your drunk you cant understand why we are so far apart. And now that sister is sick I dont have a minute with her as your good old friends are there all the time and you crazy kids. You dont invite me to things that you do. Birthday party for great niece that was scheduled so that the 2 sisters could go, I invite myself and then as I realize what happened, that I was not really invited, I dont go and not a word is said about it. My dog died last fall and it was just like no acknowlegemnt of my sorrow. Even making fun of me for being upset. And the sick one has also been enabled by other sister and thats all ok. But then you complaint about taking care of her and talk about it constanly and what you are having to do, but all the time making yourself look like an angel to everyone else. Why I give you all the time of day is beyond me. I pray to let go of you and move on. When I stop by your house you cant even stop what you are doing and act like I am bothering you. I am beyond anger its more like rage and feel the need to be far away from you. And you all dont really care. Cause I am petty and cant go with your flow and do all that you want to do. There is never a what should we all do together, its this is what I am doing and your invited. If you dont go thats ok also. But dont expect us to change our plans for you. When you are cornered to come to my house you have an escape route. Can only stay long enough to just make an appearance. So now all is at your house and the cost is building up to always have everyone there and guess I am suppost to give to the benefit so that you have money to party. Wow I am just angry and want to be away from this toxic crap. Wanted to try to keep the ties of family together, but really cant do this anymore

Um... Honestly? They will stop reading after the 1st sentence, as it alienates & attacks them. The majority of the letter needs to be " I " statements, rather than " You " statements. ("I feel hurt, I feel this way" -- rather than "You did this to me, You hurt me.") If it were me, I'd put down the letter then & there. If you really want them to read a letter from you, it has to warm up with a more conversational tone, such as "I really have a need to communicate with you and hope you'll be receptive to what I need to share." This will open the possibility of actually being heard. Otherwise, it reads as an attack from start to finish, and that only perpetuates the drama and doesn't effect any healing for anyone. ((HUGS))

As it is, this is what I call an "anger" letter. As such, it is good for a 1st draft, to shelve and look at a week later, or to burn in a ritual when I'm ready to release the anger.

Sorry Sassy..I agree with Amelah.

yes agree i was not gong to give it to them. it was one of those things that you write and as you said let go of or burning at a later date when i hope fully reacha state of acceptance and let them go. which is my long term goal.i know from many other here and in my life that sometimes the toxic people that you need to stay away from are family.

posted also to see how others deal with this sorta of resentment and unfair treatment from family members. guess i am also mad at myself for bending over backwards for years with out support from them and the expected support that they feel that i owe them. it is like a code reationship of course. i have harmed myself trying to continue a toxic and unfulling relationship. they are all addicts to over the counter drugs, street drugs, and extreme alcohol use. so i ask myself again, why do i expect a giving and equal relationship from those who are substance abuser with narrcistic personalities. is this not the code question that we or many of us deal with? spent the morning 12 stepping this situation and praying and framing my thought process for the day. counting my blessing and mindfullness of the moment that i am in. i am always so much better in the am. after work i am a stressed out mess. thanks for any comments. hope you all have a good day

My therapist asked me to write a similar letter to my STBX, and it sounded pretty much the same. He told me the exact same thing: good first draft, but full of "you" statements. He asked me to take the focus off of him and put it on me. What is it that I want and need? Once I started doing that, I began to see (just recently) that he was just being himself. He can't help it. He is who he is. I cannot accept who he is, so it is I that need to move in a different direction on my life. Yes he has his issues, but they're his issues to deal with (or not). I have tried and there is nothing I can do for him if he won't do for himself. That is his choice. It's the same for your family. It's their choice to live as they do. They're just being themselves. What is it that you need? Are they giving it to you? If not, you have no choice but to get what you need from others. Just because they're family doesn't mean that they're good for you. Some families are really toxic, and we need to distance ourselves from them for our own sanity.

I think you know that you need to distance yourself from your family. You need to get what you need from others because your family is not able to give you what you need. They can't help it. They're just being themselves.

I do honestly think you could benefit from talking with a code therapist about this. It's not an easy situation you're dealing with at all. I'm sure it would be easier to distance yourself if not for the sick sister. You need to look elsewhere to get the comfort you need at this difficult time. Good luck to you.

this is how I deal with resentment & unfair treatment from my family members:

I am the youngest of 3 daughters. My older 2 sisters are best friends. As a child, I was excluded from their games. My therapist coined them "The Girl's Club." And that has helped me tremendously.

So as adults, I continue to be excluded from the Girl's Club. I have a reasonably good relationship with my oldest sister, R, who is 5 years older than me. The middle sister, J, is 2.5 years older than me, and we cannot be in the same room with each other for any extended period of time.

As Mom's mental health issues magnify with dementia on board, J , who has always been the family leader, is the POA (power of attorney)... J decided to deal with just the financial elements and hand off the medical piece to R. Who lives clear across the country. No one asked me what I thought about any of it. And I felt extremely hurt, since I live 15 minutes from Mom.

Long/Short: I had to come to the realization and accept (doesn't mean I like this), that this is how things are. I do not have "voice" in this family and I need to understand the "pecking order" ... I was extremely angry for a while.... we wrote some very hurtful emails which only alienated and strained our relationships further ... I was so angry at how I was proverbially hog-tied and gagged & bound by this family, that did not want to hear my observations or allow me any decision-making in our mother's well-being. I had to learn which "battles to pick & choose" -- certainly, worrying about the refrigerator being filled with expired rotting food was lower in priority than the concern that Mom's psychotic behaviors putting her & the aides in jeopardy.

When my sister R came to visit finally, I was fuming mad. I kept all civility by simply requesting that she keeps me in the "information loop" and I look forward to hearing her observations. We didn't get a chance to talk until it was time for her to leave (I was bringing her to the airport)... we sat in a quiet cafe, where my sister outlined her observations, agenda, decisions... she was clear that she needed to outline things generally, then more specifically, before hearing my side of things. Talk about commandeering and controlling... So I waited and listened and interjected a few questions where appropriate... and then when it was my turn....

I pulled out my notepad, in which I had carefully laid out in *bullet fashion * the priorites *descending in order from major to smaller issues .... And I let it rip. I told her that I was furious with both her and J, for proverbially hog-tying me and gagging me, preventing me from having "voice" in this family...

I laid out the examples to back this up, including "how would it make you feel if this was done to you? please, take a moment and be in my shoes" I was careful not to attack them, but kept the focus mostly on how this "made me feel" ... I was crying, I was angry. And I told her, "I am furious. I have no power in this family, no decision-making even tho' we agreed that J was POA in legal terms only (representing the 3 of us in a consensus of agreement).

The healing came when my sister said, "you are right. you do not have power in this family. you never did."

That was validating. And I was able to then let it go. I was clear that what I needed was to be heard, to share my observations. That I understand that I am not allowed to make decisions (thus, reflecting back to my sister her own words, to verify that I understood Her Role), but I would like the respect deserved to be trusted to share my concerns as they arise.

We then outlined our various needs (my sister did not want me to email or call every day; I agreed and suggested we have an update once a week). It was almost like a Business Meeting.

And it opened the dialogue and our hearts a little more, rather than painting each other into a corner.

I cannot change my family dynamics or how they perceive my role in the family. I can either buck and flail like a wild horse, or I can calm down, figure out where I do have power, have confidence in my identity, and not let this family destroy me with their own twisted logic.

To date: my sister R and I do have an update once a week, in which we share the most important of observations. We also try to focus on discussing other aspects of our lives. With my sister J, I have given her space and only check in with her very infrequently about something important... which is helping J to reframe how to interact with me (rather than the needy, pesky sister -- she's now seeing that when I call, it's about something relevant & important)...

It's not perfect. But I must add, that both my sisters have also done a lot of work in their individual therapy processes, so I'm not dealing with unperceptive, self-absorbed people who are functioning from automatic behaviors from long ago. Mom, that's another story. She's got all the insight of a clam and she's completely narcissistic. . .

The trick is knowing people's boundaries, and then changing how I respond to their boundaries. Maybe that's rather codependent of me, but like I said, I lay down a few rules myself and continue to reiterate them when things begin to slide back into automatic behaviors. Because I am no longer "Amelah the Accommodator." But I have to be careful not to bang my head against the proverbial wall either -- because the only one who gets hurt by that is me...

((HUGS))

I hope this is helpful to you.

That doesn't sound code at all. That was a really great way of handling things! At least you got your point across and you know you were heard. Sometimes that's all we need is to be heard. Also good that you're not focusing so much energy on their crap anymore. Must be a load off!

A great big hug to you sassy. Oh I can so relate to your posts and I have written many letters like the one you wrote, just to get that stuff out of me. I have never sent them either but I do think it is good to get it out. It is funny because since I have been working through all this stuff, my letters have changed and maybe one day I will get to the point where I might actually even be able to send one :)

Just keep in mind that you don't need them to treat you well to in order to be good enough, you are good enough as you are! Acknowledge the hurt, frustration, pain and anger and know that they are valid feelings to have in this situation. For me, I keep coming back to the basics of learning to love and care for myself. I try to remind myself that I am lovable, even though they don't treat me with love- that is their issue, not mine. As long as I can love and care about myself, and treat myself the way I really want others to treat me, then eventually I will get to the point where they won't have much impact on me.

I also love cheryt's reply above, when we realise that our reactions are in fact valid and then put it into this perspective, I think we get some of our power back. We realise that we do have choices.

And a hug to you too, amelah, it sounds like you have learned some things along the way and are putting them into action, it is also promising to hear that your sisters have also been doing their own recovery work.

Progress, not perfection is my slogan for today...