Codependency Support Group
Codependency is defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for another person's struggles. A codependent person may try to change, or feel shame about their most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with the other person's struggles. If you are on a journey towards self-love, this support group is for you. Join us and find others...
I have a really bad relationship with my brother. I do not like him at all. A previous therapist and a few other people thought he was a sociopath. It's possible. I know even sociopaths need help, but I really don't want to make it my problem.
I dislike him because he physically abused me in the past. He is extremely verbally abusive. I didn't talk to him for about seven or eight years because of it. I never missed him for a day. Best years of my life. Apparently he missed me though. I've witnessed him push/hit his other girlfriends and have so much contempt for him because I think he's fleecing my parents. He is almost 50 and has never moved out of my mom and dad's house. They are still alive-I think he is taking advantage. They paid for his college but not mine. He was entitled to do whatever, including hit me.
At this point in his life he doesn't even have barely one friend. Appparentlly everyone else has figured out he's a horrible person. All his girlfriends have dumped him because he's an angry, nasty person. His only life is parents, he is glued to them. I remember him lying when he was a teenager to get money from people. He's crazy.
So what is the problem now? I really didnt' have a problem all the years we were in no contact. I guess the problem is that now that I am involved with the family again, joining for holidays, he is there. I don't know what it is about him, something about his energy, just being in his presence brings on depression super intense in me, I can feel my energy completely deplete right out of me just standing next to him. I hate him. I know that's bad because why I do I feel that way? Just looking at him makes my skin crawl. I don't like him becuase he hates women and treats them like garbage, so there really isn't much to like. He's a pathetic little b*tch who I think just uses people treats people like crap. His big reward for this is being totally alone.
Obviously I'm somewhat codependent with him even becuase of these feelings toward him. Even when I saw him on father's day he started in with his manipulations, trying to get me to come over to the house to do really heavy manual labor, which isn't my job. It's just a way to take more advantage of me. I think one time he tried to get me to buy a house so that he could move into it. My mom took me aside on Sunday and said, "Watch out, he's a fast talker when it comes to money." So obviously she knows. I just don't believe anything he says. I feel like I shouldn't dislike him so much but I do, it's the way that I feel. I have resentment for trying to rescue him over and over throughout his life from all of his problems. He's a huge victim. Apparently he's going to be there on my birthday and I don't want to celebrate it with him. So nice all these years not celebrating it with him, just with my parents.
I'm much happier and ironically less lonely even when I spend time alone, and not with him.
I guess the way to get beyond the codepdendency of this would be to focus on what I can control. Obviously that isn't him. I need to refocus myself and my choices and what is in my control. What would be in my control is deciding to spend a lot less time with him or no time. I suppose those would be the options.
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I haven't written in my diary on my computer since May because I thought that my computer was dying. I got away from writing but my computer is hanging in there. I think that I will start writing in it again. It's so therapeutic.
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Years ago, I won a mirrored armoire from my job. It's in my bedroom but I rarely stand in front of it. Yesterday, I had to have a dexascan done so I had to change into a gown. There was a full length mirror in the changing room. I'm aware that I gained 5 to 7 pounds over the last year from cheating on Keto but I didn't know what it looked like. It was a reality check.
All you can do is change your reactions and thinking.
Just dumping the so called toxic people in your life is not usually the answer. Estrangement causes ambiguous loss which is hard to understand, confusing, and takes learning new skills to cope with.
Make a written list of ways to respond not react. Make a written list of the coping skills you already have. First, read the book to gain new insights and skills.
It starts with ourselves having strong internal boundaries. Which are rules we set for ourselves based on our values in life and how we expect ourselves to act. For example, how you said no to doing physical labor for the brother. Your internal boundaries are you don’t hurt yourself or say yes when you mean no. Or loan/give money you can’t afford to lose when they don’t pay it back. This supports our own value and self worth because we are doing right by ourselves. That’s great!
Your old therapist should not have said he is a sociopath unless she was treating him and he gave permission to talk to you. She can say he has these traits and describe or list them out but she can’t diagnose him unless he is her client and she’s done some assessments on him.
It has become slang in our culture to call people the names of personality disorders. It bugs me how we negatively label people like this so cavalier like. Not taking his side, I’ve got someone diagnosed with this personality disorder in my family. The using, lying, manipulation, lack of remorse are real. Hang in there!