Hi single: I don't know if this is condependency or one for the breakups & divorce board.

No one can do for you. You have to do for yourself. That means that YOU must seek a job. You get a job because you require one to support yourself and your son. You set a good role model for me by showing him that you get up each day, shower, dress and go job hunting because it is important. And when you get a job, you do the same thing of getting up each day and going to work.

Going to work will bring money in and I suggest you then return tot he therapist that was helping you with codependency.

When you engage in self-destructive behavior, you are hurting yourself and your son because you are his role model and if you can't stop yourself for you, then stop yourself for him. He deserves the very best from you considering that his mother gave him the very worst. Good luck and many hugs.

The first thhing that sucks is that she married you because god told her to. Than divorced, never mentioning if god told her to or not. Can't say if you are codependant, or just plain needing to grieve the loss of this woman. And if you are not permitting yourself to grieve than things can come out in a more destructive way. Best for you to grieve and to tell your son that it is OK for him to grieve also. Grieving is healthy. Again I don't know whether you are codependant or not. I do know of the unhealthy pressure put on men not to cry. To "be strong", be "macho" to be "real" men. A whole lot of nonesense in your and your son's situations. Weep, lament and get it out of your systems Tear ducts don't cease to exist and function because we are big boys or girls. Something North American society has not figurred out.

First, know that "God" did not tell her to marry you. Did "God" also tell her to move to Nepal??? Please. That's her bipolar disorder.

How to move on? Know that there was NOTHING you could have done to control her behavior. It's true that now that she's gone, a calm will come over your life. Embrace it. And NEVER let her come back. Trust me- she'll try. It's her disease.

Get into therapy for you and your son. That's about all I've got for now.

Hugs.

AstimeGoesby,

Thank you. Agreed. Sometimes a proverbial 'kick in the pants' is what I need. When "my world" disappeared (as a codependent I made my ex my world) I have struggled to find strength to do things for myself. ie. finding what I want, what I need, what direction I want to take in life for myself. I've spend so much of my life catering to others, I have never given myself the opportunity to figure those things out. I will now. My health and well-being depend on it.

Douglasn,

Thanks. I have shed many tears and grieved when I got over the stage of being "numb" to everything. I can say that my grieving is not yet done, as I am tearing up over this message right now. But, things will get better as long as I concentrate on myself and help my son through this as well.

DeliAnnem,

Thank you. I need the reminders that I have no control over others and the only control I should have and do have, is the control of my own life. The fact that I have always been attracted to those who are emotionally unavailable has played a significant part in dictating my actions. I am now getting a handle on it and have already given myself a "pat on the back" for saying "NO" to others whereas before I would have sacrificed my time/money/emotions.

As my ex just e-mailed me again to ask that I draw up the papers for the divorce as I have a legal background. I will kindly tell her that her situation is not my problem if she burned through all the cash from our separation so quickly. She only wants the papers so she can stay in Nepal and marry. Otherwise she will be forced to leave or pay $20,000 to renew her VISA after her current one expires.

i am not going to sacrifice anymore time, money or energy on my toxic relationship with her. I am so done with that past life of codependent behavior and allowing myself to be manipulated.

Many thanks to all for the replies and a BIG thank you especially for the hugs. Hugs, peace and good vibes to all who have taken the time to read and reply. :-)

I want to give you a heads up about a man on another board here last year. He was grieving over the loss of his marriage and his wife divorcing him and couldn't stop. He had been divorced for a while. Unfortunately, he was always crying and falling apart in front of his son to the point where his son felt he had to take care of him. It began to delve into an unhealthy relationship between him and his son--his son was behaving like the parent and the dad was behaving like the son. Actually this was modeling for the son that the dad was unable to get through serious events that happened in life and someone had to take over for dad. So the child was trying to step in. That's so wrong.

I'm just giving you a heads up that as parents, women too, we have to show children that as tough as times get, that we are always able to get through serious events that happen. It helps children to become independent and know that they too will get through serious events in their adult lives. Just be aware of that because you can't let it delve into having your son take care of you. You have to teach him AND SHOW HIM that both of you will get through this and survive. Take care and hugs.

AsTimeGoesBy,

Thank you. Understood. My original post is something I am going to be referring to as a "very low" period. I was in a bad place that day and I was right on board the "pity party" bandwagon. I will look back at it to remind myself that I never want to be in that mindset again.

I struggled with this issue with my son in the first couple of months after separation, but I am pleased to say that I have not gone anywhere close to that other gentleman you referred to.

I just got finished allowing my son to do his banking / finances on his own by giving him some basic direction and allowing him to figure things out and interact with others in this situation on his own. He made his initial banking decisions on his own as well as his first major purchase (PC & monitor for school). The stipulation behind using $ he was bequeathed from the passing of my mother in law many years ago, was that he needed to be back in school and putting in the time and effort for that purpose.

We are both making progress in the sense we are moving forward with Life after mom/wife. Thanks again. Hugs back at you.

OMG those three questions at the bottom of you post completely related to me 100%.....I could have wrote those because that is me to a T.......so now what? How do we do those things? because I have been in that rut for almost 4 years now....

Wow this is my story! Every bit of it. Only difference, you are a man and I am a woman. You were a single dad for 10 years. I was a single mom for 12. I got suckered and let him back in. Today, I am dealing with the same issues and with my 13 year old son. With the help of a good therapist I am getting there. Here is my input and advice to you, my friend...

1. How do I separate myself from my son and still be a good parent? I realize I have to let go and teach him the importance of self love and how to be a little selfish. I am now forcing him to do things with other kids his age to strike up and interest in something, other than taking care of every adult in my family. This past Saturday I put him in a basketball program. He didn't want to and the codependent part of me, didn't want to make it, but I know I have to let go and in the end, my hope is to break the cycle and not have my son struggle as an adult to take care of himself. Let go and when it's hard, do it in the name of love. That should make it a little easier.

2. How do I stop obsessing over my ex and the past? (It is so terribly sad / frustrating & destructive to wake up every morning and her being the first thing I think of.) Self care, Self care, Self care! That is the only way. The more you care about you, the less you'll care about her. I still have my good days and bad days, but there are times, I don't even realize I'm not obsessing, until I realize I haven't obsessed. :-)

3. How do I stop being so scared of life and finally start embracing it? Self care, Self care, Self care! With all my insecurities over the years, I built up so many fears (you wouldn't believe). I would run from a camera and dreaded taking photos. For this reason, I wouldn't even open a FB for over 10 years. I would log in as my friends to see people we went to school with and so on. I was challenged by my therapist to work out my fears. Most people work from the inside, out. I knew I had to work from the outside, in. I started with working out and dieting. I did a complete makeover on the hair and clothes. At first I was extremely uncomfortable. When people told me I looked nice, I had something negative to say about myself. Today I can accept a compliment. I simply say thank you. Today I have FB with my photo and I don't have my profile as private. Anyone can see it, if they look me up. This is nothing to most people, but for me it was a fear I knocked down. I have been challenging myself ever since. Fear is in the imagination. It's not real. Once you know this for yourself, you'll be well on your way! Today, I am facing a huge fear. Even though I decided to really let go of my ex (my biggest fear I faced), we have one loose end. His car is in my name and he is not paying his insurance, I am. I have been warning him and he's taking advantage. Right now, I am waiting for his probation officer to call me back. This is something I would have NEVER done in a million years. I'm proud, I am getting to the place where I know my worth. I so want you to feel that as well.

As for my son (his son), I have no expectations anymore. He doesn't care for his son, his loss. I have a wonderful realationship with my son. He's the one missing out. I no longer ask my son to be nice to him or call him. My son is a person with feelings and he has a right to be angry. To be honest, I know my son is much better without him.

Please be kind to yourself as well (and your son). You've both been through a lot. Take care of him and you! Great Big, Giant Hug!!!

I wanted to also say... Anytime, I feel a lot of fear, I challenge myself to conquer one. Please try it. No matter how much it hurts to do so. You'll be so happy when you realize, the fear is in your head. :-)

Hi SunBlossom,

Thank you so much for your words of encouragement and practical advice. It resonates with me and has put a HUGE smile on my face. Thank you!

I have already started the process with my son to encourage his independence and allowed him to set his goals and schedule to move forward with his life. I have struggled with "tough love" in the past, but am making headway and see the difference in my actions as well as those of my son.

I am also working on my self-care and have had good success with the past 3 days by setting myself some small achievable goals that I have met. I am doing the same thing tomorrow and have set myself a goal of getting a job within the next 3-4 weeks. I know if I work this program, I will achieve the personal growth and success I am looking for. :-)

My next challenge will be to confront my fears head on. I am taking myself out of my comfort zone and simply acting. I will work on not overreacting or under-reacting. I will work on acting...which is a fear / characteristic that I have struggled with. Self-care and taking those steps are critically important for me right now.

Thank you again and great BIG HUGS right back at you!

seashell,

I think SunBlossom has given some amazing direction in this regard.

SunBlossom,

I forgot to add that I can completely relate to the FB thing. I have an account, but do not have a picture up. I always cringe and shy away from any picture taking due to a little self-loathing and too many insecurities.

I will work on this.

Doing my "mirror work" in the morning with positive affirmations has been a most difficult challenge for me. It is a struggle to look at myself and do this as I have always avoided mirrors due to the fact that I never did like what I saw. I will keep at it though and sometime soon I will be posting my face for all the world to see.

Much love and many hugs to you!

Your words make it clear that you are intelligent in the direction you need to go, you basically want to lose the pain and embrace what is healthy without the trouble. Unfortunately, all things worth working towards take effort every day. Consider fitness. Many people want to be in shape, lose weight, look good, but they want to take a magic pill sometimes rather than get up and get out and feel the burn in their muscles, to deny the unhealthy food for the bigger treat: health and well being and a better image. Then sometimes people do it for a short amount of time and are upset at no results when the fact is a lifestyle is the goal. They will always have to feel a little pain for gain. It gets easier and less often and the run becomes more of an adventure after a healthy habbit is established. Maybe that was long winded, sorry, but I too am dealing with a similar situation and as I ran yesterday, I wanted to stop before my goal point and I considered my pain in my relationship and I ran knowing that every good thing is worth fighting for. I felt encouraged to run and to hold out for better treatment than abandonment. Abandonment is so painful because we always want answers that we never get and I'm starting to learn that there is no answer, no excuse on the planet would satisfy and that in itself is my answer. I hope that means something to you. I feel your pain. My daughter was a baby the first time and now she is 11. I hurt with you.

Hey singledad ... you're in a good place right now... a turning point for great things to come. You will learn to love yourself so you can then love others. You'll look back on this time years from now and actually remember it fondly because it's when you happily changed your life. This is great modeling for your son. He will tell you even years down the road how much confidence this has given him to see you victorious and not give up when you were dealt problems in life.

On the fitness note, when I went through a similar situation as you, Forrest Gump was pretty popular then and I started running ... it felt really good...if not running, just whatever exercise you enjoy and work up a good sweat and you'll feel happier.

Hugs for you.....I also stayed in a nacistic relationship just because I married and wanted to stay married so not to be like my parents...I also had a baby with him prior to the marriage. I tried to keep it together....he drank did drugs cheating on me...made me feel like dirt....and I still to this day after 30 yrs struggle with self esteem...I divorced him 25 years ago...our daughter is a beautiful person. got her Dad off drugs and seems to have a better relationship with him than she does with me..go figure...all hurts...like a double edge sword. I have a relationship with her and that is all that matters.

you did not make your wife leave your son...she did that herself. You son may need counseling....not sure how old he is or f he has a relationship with his mother....but boundaries are what is needed ..and he needs to create them so she does not wreek havoc on his life like she did to you....

Hi roflo,

Hugs right back at ya! :-) I feel for your situation as I have a similar situation with my parents and brother in that regard. I wish you the best and thank you for your kind words.

I have been making progress with my CODA group and my program. I am finally focusing on myself and trying to move forward after "rebooting" my life.

My ex may be coming back to Canada sometime soon, and I have maintained some (limited) contact with her. I think she will be surprised and shocked at how my son and I feel about her actions and how we are going to limit the type of relationship we have with her.

I am proud of my son wanting to communicate with her how she affected him and how he has little, if any respect for her actions and words. He will establish boundaries with her and is going to be strong in not allowing her to manipulate and twist things around as she always has. We are both going to do this together, and support each other, but not be dependant on each other with these actions.

It's been a challenging transition to practice self-care, but am slowly but surely changing my life.

CriesForHelp,

Thank you. It is something I am still working on as I have the trait of not finishing / following through and completing projects or tasks. I can, and will do this though. I just need to bump up the priority of exercising and maintaining my diet. I am very aware of the food industry and eating healthy, so spending the time necessary to prepare healthy nutritious meals is certainly a challenge for someone who has always struggled with time management and organizations skills. I will get there!

I will follow up with another post shortly. I need to prepare for my CODA group meeting now.