Codependency Support Group
Codependency is defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for another person's struggles. A codependent person may try to change, or feel shame about their most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with the other person's struggles. If you are on a journey towards self-love, this support group is for you. Join us and find others...
A long time ago I was living with my grandmother, in an unhealthy codependency. I lacked the bravery to leave but finally did so. It was very difficult but it turned out to be one of the best decisions in my life and a catalyst for personal growth. I am sharing my story as I hope that it might be helpful to those of you who are in the midst of it still but feeling afraid or for those of you who left but feel uncertain what the future holds for you.
At first, I moved in with my mother. It was a more loving environment but it was filled with challenges and I didn't truly feel at home because I was living out of suitcases, not fully committed to being there perhaps. I then struck out and for the first time in my life, at the age of 27, I moved out on my own with my child. It was rough but well worth it. I slowly regained sanity and started to 'find' myself.
A few months later though, I resumed a relationship with my child's father which was a rocky, rollercoaster ride. I ended the relationship many times only to be persuaded to try again. He ended the relationship a few times and we tried again. We called each other names, he attacked my mental state and made me seriously question my sanity. I ended up feeling like a piece of crap around him in part because of how he treated me but in part, because of how I was treating him too. It was difficult to see where it began and ended.
I began to realise it was another codependent relationship but I couldn't let go of it because I loved him. I've finally let go. He's made lots of threats against me and I've suggested he contacts my lawyer, regarding my daughter. He won't pay maintenance for her and is using it as a way to get me to do the things that he wants. Some of them aren't even unreasonable but I hate the feeling of being bullied. Beforehand, he came up with three different excuses which made not paying maintenance MY fault, before I finally called his bluff that he simply did not have the money to pay it. At that point, the threats on his end started and I decided to cut my losses. I changed my phone number, etc.
I feel very sad as I love this man and wanted us to work as a family. I always had a sense though that something wasn't quite right and as though if we stayed together he would destroy me through his negativity and need to blame me for everything. One of my text messages to him ended up listing everything he blamed me for recently and saying 'it is not my fault' over and over again. Now, that we have no contact and we are not perpetuating this unhealthy cycle, I feel as though a weight has been lifted from my shoulders.
Oh and since I moved out... I also learned to drive, made new friends, joined a meditation group, learned to understand myself and unwind childhood traumas. Recently, I've been playing back my worst memories as a child and inserting me as an adult, explaining to that child that these things are not her fault. This is my story... so far.
At first, I moved in with my mother. It was a more loving environment but it was filled with challenges and I didn't truly feel at home because I was living out of suitcases, not fully committed to being there perhaps. I then struck out and for the first time in my life, at the age of 27, I moved out on my own with my child. It was rough but well worth it. I slowly regained sanity and started to 'find' myself.
A few months later though, I resumed a relationship with my child's father which was a rocky, rollercoaster ride. I ended the relationship many times only to be persuaded to try again. He ended the relationship a few times and we tried again. We called each other names, he attacked my mental state and made me seriously question my sanity. I ended up feeling like a piece of crap around him in part because of how he treated me but in part, because of how I was treating him too. It was difficult to see where it began and ended.
I began to realise it was another codependent relationship but I couldn't let go of it because I loved him. I've finally let go. He's made lots of threats against me and I've suggested he contacts my lawyer, regarding my daughter. He won't pay maintenance for her and is using it as a way to get me to do the things that he wants. Some of them aren't even unreasonable but I hate the feeling of being bullied. Beforehand, he came up with three different excuses which made not paying maintenance MY fault, before I finally called his bluff that he simply did not have the money to pay it. At that point, the threats on his end started and I decided to cut my losses. I changed my phone number, etc.
I feel very sad as I love this man and wanted us to work as a family. I always had a sense though that something wasn't quite right and as though if we stayed together he would destroy me through his negativity and need to blame me for everything. One of my text messages to him ended up listing everything he blamed me for recently and saying 'it is not my fault' over and over again. Now, that we have no contact and we are not perpetuating this unhealthy cycle, I feel as though a weight has been lifted from my shoulders.
Oh and since I moved out... I also learned to drive, made new friends, joined a meditation group, learned to understand myself and unwind childhood traumas. Recently, I've been playing back my worst memories as a child and inserting me as an adult, explaining to that child that these things are not her fault. This is my story... so far.
The maintenance is your child's right. The child deserves to be protected and provided for by BOTH parents. Forcing you to do anything before receiving it is blackmail. It is abuse plain and simple.
Check out this site for more info:
http://www.speakoutloud.net/
It has many articles that you can read to help with this aspect.
I understand why you don't want any relationship with him any longer. He is very emotionally abusive!
Take care
Sunny
My Mother raised me. she was my Mother n Father roled into one. she did far better than most fatjers could hope to do for their child. anywhoo I don't need any orgins nor blood trans that my sibling can assist me with iff needed vce versa. so I have no need to meet the man that was a sperm doner.
I'v seen photo's because my Mother truly did love him but she wouldn't tolerate his crap.
My sibling n myself send our Mother flowers on Mothers day, n on fathers day, n her b-day... every season I buy her that in season shoes n pocket books that are in fashion every season.
I know when I was small she did w/o so that us children could have the better things in life.
Just because a man donates his sperm doesn't auto make him a daddy.
Please take care of your over all well being.
You deserve only the best of the best.
Even now if you find some new wonderful BF and you marry him then you will find that the codependency will be in that relationship too, because it is inside of our self.
What I would suggest is that you find a counselor who really knows about codependency and about relationships and then try to get your child's father to go too, because it is inside of him too.
You also say that you do not like the blame and fault being put onto you, and I really do find that to be a big huge part of the codependency dysfunction, because I find that when I accept the guilt and I take the blame and the fault then that is the power position, and it gives us the best leverage, and it really does not hurt us if we take the full blame and guilt as that makes us into the strong one.
"Hey it is your fault that we broke up" - Answer = Okay yes, and now it is also my fault that I want us both to go to counseling to help make the relationship better.
Even blaming our inner-child is putting our inner-child into the power position, and that works for me.
Being guilty does not need to mean feeling guilty, and honesty is usually a matter of opinion.
Just my perspective, based on my experience.
Put your husband in your rear view mirror. When someone won't pay child support, absolutely direct them to your lawyers and you let them go. That's a legal responsibility. Many hugs.
If he is doing these things now to harm the child, then he is clearly abusive. And as long as you go along, you are the enabling codependent. I don't see him as codependent at all. He sounds highly abusive.
I am glad that you got away from him. These sorts will say anything to children they want just to make them hate the custodial parent. It is easy for the non custodial parent to spoil the child making them think life would be so much better living with them. That causes serious problems for the child.
What he and his friend seemed to miss the point over was that his actions demonstrated he was incapable of putting his daughter first. It's quite hurtful that he thought I was making up being unwell but the confusing thing was that other times he would seem to accept it was a genuine problem. I think it was genuine if he didn't have to go out and I was faking it if he did want to go out, lol. For me, if the situation was reversed and he said that he was sick while in the care of our daughter, I wouldn't hesitate to take care of her, no matter what I had planned. She comes first... always.
Honestly? I have done a great deal of reading and suspect that he may well have narcissistic personality disorder and I have narcissistic traits of my own. I can say things which are verbally abusive or tactless. We seemed to have a very dysfunctional dyanmic and I would agree that we both have issues that a therapist could help to address. I think though, that I am seeing my own issues bit by bit. He has always blamed me though and aside from acknowledging an anger problem and a big 'ego' he doesn't realise that he contributes as much to our problems as I have. He would have to see that he really does have some problems otherwise therapy would never work. The focus of therapy would be entirely on me, because he would put on his 'Mr Nice Guy' act while I would be honest and the therapist would side with him... Good people are taken in by him because he is quite passive and meek out in public but it's a different story behind closed doors. If any therapy is useful - it is for me on my own to work on my issues by myself.
The main thing he wants is parental responsibility. As we are not married and he was out of the country when she was born, he is not on the birth certificate. He threatened me with court before if I did not sign a parental responsibility agreement and then I said, ok no contact. I did make the peace a few days later and make it clear that I did not want to stand in the way of contact but I didn't like being threatened legally. I also explained why I wouldn't agree to parental responsibility - primarily because I didn't think he was responsible enough yet. He said he understood, we could revisit it again later on, when I was ready to. I said that I did not like being threatened legally and he promised never to do it again.
However, he did it again and we have ended up in this cycle again. Some of you may think I am awful for saying no contact in return to being threatened with court and no maintenance for not agreeing to parental responsibility, but I had just had enough. Also, even though I love him, he has not been a wonderful father to our daughter anyway. He described helping me with her and spending time together as inconvenient, seemed to prefer going out to spending time with her and could be really mean to her sometimes and seemed like he enjoyed it. I remember once, rushing into the room when she was 2 because she was in tears because daddy wouldn't give her one of her toys. Her crime? She'd said please, but not 'nicely' enough for him to give her the toy. He said that it was a fake please that she hadn't really meant, so wouldn't give it to her. I'm conscious that this has ended up being a power struggle on both sides, but in the end, saying to put it through lawyers seemed to be the easiest thing... ultimately, if parental responsibility had been so important to him he could have just got on with it and got a court order. The thing is, my feeling is that parental responsibility is less important to him than him dominating me. He wants to force me to agree to it, even though I am truly uncertain that he is a responsible parent. I could be wrong but it's just my impression.
Admiral - how wonderful you are towards your mother. It's obvious that you love her very much and your actions must mean a lot to her.
Yep, bang-on the money. You are exactly right.
He is abusive, and using the child as a vehicle to get to you. Don't let him. As long as he refuses to pay child support, he doesn't get to see the child. Very simple really. And afterwards - when he is forced to pay up - he will see his child by court order only. I wouldn't waste any more time on him personally, and just go through my lawyer. This will end the games he clearly loves to play so much.
Good for you that you are standing up for yourself and your child.
You say this = "the therapist would side with him..." And yet you maintain your inflated pedestal.
While people here cheer you onward with destroying your family unit.
Doomed - that is the ultimate conclusion.
He's never especially clear on why parental responsibility is something he has to have, it seems to be along the lines of 'because I am her father, it is my right to have it'. I honestly think he has what he wants at the moment... not having contact with our daughter means he gets to go out whenever he wants and has the added bonus of complaining to people how I have prevented him from seeing her and getting lots of sympathy. I doubt he mentions all of the occasions where contact was arranged and he slept through his alarm due to late nights out or came up with lame excuses for not coming over...
I have a lot of conflict in me... love him... dislike the things he does... see he isn't good for my daughter and me and get frustrated that his family and friends indulge him and give him so much sympathy but I have to accept it all. Someone needs to sit him down and explain that responsibility means loving your children and doing the best for them no matter what and making sacrifices.
For me, my action in the end was less about control so much as no longer knowing how to resolve things peacefully, Many, many times I was 'peace-maker' suggesting all kinds of things he and I could work on together and would often cave in. I can live with my choices. Awareness that therapy can only work for a couple if both people are honest and admit their issues has nothing to do with placing myself on a pedastal. It's just the truth. If I state that I can be controlling, verbally abusive at times and have anger issues and he turns and says 'I agree with that. If we can fix you, it fixes all our problems' it's not really that helpful for a relationship. It has to be a two way process.
Thank you for your comments. I always appreciate an opportunity to look deeper into myself.
Because I have been there and done that.
But your words reveal your self too.
And it is only fitting and proper that our words would reflect our personality, as it does for every person.
This sort of man would gladly do anything to harm this child just to get to you. It is a difficult situation. But you have clearly shown that you are the one with the child's best interests at heart.
It is interesting that you pegged another user here with projecting their own issues ON TO you rather than actually offering supportive advice. That shows a great deal of growth and strength. These are generally the most difficult situations to see thru. Most codependents are totally thrown off by such projections. So I can see a great deal of healing.
With the danger of him taking your child out of country, I would refuse to allow any visitation at all. I would say nothing negative about him to the child. But somehow ensure that she is safely away from his ability to place hands on in any way. This happens here in the states when a non-custodial parent picks a child up from school or day care and carries the child out of state or country and the custodial parent is deprived of seeing the child. It is a horrible abuse. The danger is real just as you have stated.
With the evidence that this man requires you to jump thru hoops in order to receive the rightful payment to the child for care, it seems to me perfectly right to fear the worst with this man. So you are doing all that you can imagine and have every right to fear that worse means will be used by him to try and punish you without regard for this child's best interests.
I hope you can keep up the great protection of this child that you have already shown. We are behind you all the way. Remember that it is this child whom you protect most to the age of majority.
Hang in there
Sunny
If you find that he con
I read one of the other replys to you and I am gobsmacked that anyone would suggest that you blame yourself for it all and then even blame the inner child.
Personally i think you have done very well and have shown much maturity in this situation. Regardless of how you feel about this man you have become aware that he is not healthy for you. He has taught you some lessons and I believe you have learned from him, but you have refused to allow this relationship to bring you down anymore.
You have recognised that you are worth more and deserve more and that really is the beginning of recovery.
As for taking him along to counselling??? Well, that is his concerns, not yours. You are not responsible for his problems or his recovery. Sometimes we have to cut our losses and stop flogging a dead horse.
I wish you and your daughter every success in the future. Good luck and many blessings. xxxx