Codependency Support Group
Codependency is defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for another person's struggles. A codependent person may try to change, or feel shame about their most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with the other person's struggles. If you are on a journey towards self-love, this support group is for you. Join us and find others...
Hello, everyone. My name is Jaron and I've been struggling with some relationship issues for the past few years. Recently, they've become much worse, and I believe my codependent behavior is a major cause.
I first started dating my wife in high school and we got married two years after graduating. Our 5-year anniversary is coming up. But over the past two years, I've developed a lingering sense of dissatisfaction and unease with our relationship.
Some of my reactions to this problem have been to become more perfectionistic about our apartment, her appearance, or our interactions with each other. I began to nag her about doing housework or drop passive-aggressive hints instead of speaking my mind. I also began daydreaming more and more frequently about divorcing her or finding outside relationships, and this has had a negative impact on our emotional intimacy.
Recently, I discovered the book "Codependency for Dummies" and read the whole thing, doing most of the suggested exercises along the way. I realize now that my sense of self is extremely weak and that I have been enmeshed with my wife since before we were married. My weak sense of self and lack of self-respect has kept me from recognizing when I was dissatisfied with our relationship. I would minimize or dismiss my feelings to avoid causing trouble. Or, when I DID accept those feelings, I was too afraid of her negative reactions to be honest about them and take responsible action.
Now that I'm becoming better acquainted with my true self, I'm starting to believe that I'm no longer interested in continuing our marriage. My daydreams about being single again or finding other partners have been pervasive and constant, far beyond the point of the occasional "what if?" I still love my wife and don't want to hurt her in any way, but I fear that the longer I stay in this marriage without giving it my whole heart, the more pain I'm actually causing her. And yet, the thought of upsetting her by asking for a divorce or regretting my own decision later in life is paralyzing.
I'm not sure what kind of advice or reactions I'm looking for by posting here, but maybe it's good for me to just get it off my chest. I even find myself fearing your negative reactions to this post, which proves how far I still need to go before I feel comfortable asserting myself and being honest about my problems. In any case, thanks for reading.
I first started dating my wife in high school and we got married two years after graduating. Our 5-year anniversary is coming up. But over the past two years, I've developed a lingering sense of dissatisfaction and unease with our relationship.
Some of my reactions to this problem have been to become more perfectionistic about our apartment, her appearance, or our interactions with each other. I began to nag her about doing housework or drop passive-aggressive hints instead of speaking my mind. I also began daydreaming more and more frequently about divorcing her or finding outside relationships, and this has had a negative impact on our emotional intimacy.
Recently, I discovered the book "Codependency for Dummies" and read the whole thing, doing most of the suggested exercises along the way. I realize now that my sense of self is extremely weak and that I have been enmeshed with my wife since before we were married. My weak sense of self and lack of self-respect has kept me from recognizing when I was dissatisfied with our relationship. I would minimize or dismiss my feelings to avoid causing trouble. Or, when I DID accept those feelings, I was too afraid of her negative reactions to be honest about them and take responsible action.
Now that I'm becoming better acquainted with my true self, I'm starting to believe that I'm no longer interested in continuing our marriage. My daydreams about being single again or finding other partners have been pervasive and constant, far beyond the point of the occasional "what if?" I still love my wife and don't want to hurt her in any way, but I fear that the longer I stay in this marriage without giving it my whole heart, the more pain I'm actually causing her. And yet, the thought of upsetting her by asking for a divorce or regretting my own decision later in life is paralyzing.
I'm not sure what kind of advice or reactions I'm looking for by posting here, but maybe it's good for me to just get it off my chest. I even find myself fearing your negative reactions to this post, which proves how far I still need to go before I feel comfortable asserting myself and being honest about my problems. In any case, thanks for reading.
As usual, this decision has been weighing on me, but I've been doing well at living in the moment and not letting it take over my daily life. I've been putting a higher focus on improving my overall health. I recently started a new, higher-paying job and I'm working on my associate's degree again after 4 years. I've been exercising more regularly and adding more fruits and veggies to my diet. I'm still writing regularly in my journal and repeating my affirmations. I'm making time to go out and be social on my own, meeting new people at game nights and trying to be more authentic around my existing friends (this has been a challenge for me, but I'm still trying).
My wife and I have continued having date nights every other Saturday. We take turns planning a date, and the rules are that it has to be something that requires some kind of planning or forethought and it has to be something we don't normally do on a regular basis. So far, we've had a picnic in the mountains, we went to a Japanese festival downtown, we played with cats at the animal shelter, and we tried a new sushi restaurant that we'd never been to before. They've all been really enjoyable evenings.
However, I still feel like I'm married to someone I love as a friend, but not as an exclusive lifelong partner. While I was writing in my journal yesterday, I identified a few specific things about our marriage that have been frustrating me. Most of them have to do with finances, education, cleanliness, health, and motivation. Basically, the "boring" stuff.
As I said earlier, I've been making big changes to improve these things for myself, and my mood and outlook on life has been getting better and better. I can tell this is the right track for me. But she doesn't seem to be as motivated to do those things for herself, and apparently, that's a turn-off for me. And since our finances and living arrangements are shared, it may also be a deal-breaker.
So, what I'm going to do is bring up these topics with her and see if we can do some honest negotiation. Not passive-aggressive statements, not silent resentment, not empty promises to improve. I'll be honest about what I want from her AND what I want from myself to ultimately contribute to a situation that we can both be happy with. And I'll set a reasonable time to check up on how we're doing, maybe a month or two from now.
If we don't succeed in making those changes, or if we DO succeed and I find that I'm still not happy to be committed to her for life, then I'll be firm with myself, follow through with the consequences I've set, and end our marriage. Either way, I'll have learned something about having difficult negotiations and doing real work to improve a relationship, and that's something I can carry with me for life.
You are working on yourself and not rushing to end your marriage. That's good.
I'd also suggest she go into therapy. She sounds depressed and not invested.
At least you two don't have kids.
But one word of advice from someone who's been there; done that... Being married to your best friend IS the best choice for a life partner... : )
Research love. The flame that burns with fire when we first me can't last. There is jo way su h feelings can sustain in the long term. It has to eventually become more about everyday living.
if you choose to leave your wife because you lr feelings "change" you will spend your life running, chasing that "feeling" that you think means you love others ending up enslaved by that love high almost like addicts keep chasing searching for that first high.
Every relationship eventually hits a place where people feel comfortable more than excited. Thats normal progression.
run away if you want
set up "conditions" for making yourself feel better inside about running away. But mature love is totally commitment not feeling.
if you run away because YOU feel different, it wont solve your problem. Cause theirs nothing "better". The next person you attach yourself too will eventually become just as comfortable to you. Then little irritations will eat away and you'll find yourself saying the same things about her.
The change lies in us not them. Asking her to change so you feel different is totally puttung responsibility for your own feelings onto someone else.
Despite everything I've tried so far, I'm not able to create that feeling of happy commitment in myself. The only thing that "works" is to deliberately ignore or deny some of my feelings or refuse to think about certain topics, such as the types of close friendships I'd like to have with others, or unwanted but relentless sexual feelings/fantasies about other people. In other words, by hiding from the fact that I crave outside relationships. I've seen some people take this denial approach throughout their entire lives, refusing to acknowledge their issues and making things work juuuuust well enough to get by for 90 years. That's not the kind of life I want. Maybe I'm idealistic, but I don't want my life to just be "good enough." I want to feel generally happy to be committed to my wife. Not 100% of the time, but at least 50% of the time. Right now, I'm sitting at maybe 20%.
To be honest, I have a strong suspicion that even if my wife and I were to change all of the things I talked about in my previous post and become the most amazing super-couple you've ever seen, I would still not be happy. I know this. But I'm desperate to try everything I can before I give this up because maybe, just maybe, SOMETHING will change this time and I won't have to make a difficult and painful decision.
Insert "definition of insanity."
I was reading up on Erikson's development model yesterday (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Erikson%27s_stages_of_psychosocial_development) and I read something in the section on Intimacy vs. Isolation that stuck with me:
"Once people have established their identities, they are ready to make long-term commitments to others. They become capable of forming intimate, reciprocal relationships (e.g. through close friendships or marriage) and willingly make the sacrifices and compromises that such relationships require."
That word "willingly." That's the part I don't have. I've been trying to find it, but after two years, I haven't. And I can't just keep my marriage on pause. It's either growing or it's dying, and it's not growing.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Erikson%27s_stages_of_psychosocial_development