Codependency Support Group
Codependency is defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for another person's struggles. A codependent person may try to change, or feel shame about their most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with the other person's struggles. If you are on a journey towards self-love, this support group is for you. Join us and find others...
Hello, everyone. My name is Jaron and I've been struggling with some relationship issues for the past few years. Recently, they've become much worse, and I believe my codependent behavior is a major cause.
I first started dating my wife in high school and we got married two years after graduating. Our 5-year anniversary is coming up. But over the past two years, I've developed a lingering sense of dissatisfaction and unease with our relationship.
Some of my reactions to this problem have been to become more perfectionistic about our apartment, her appearance, or our interactions with each other. I began to nag her about doing housework or drop passive-aggressive hints instead of speaking my mind. I also began daydreaming more and more frequently about divorcing her or finding outside relationships, and this has had a negative impact on our emotional intimacy.
Recently, I discovered the book "Codependency for Dummies" and read the whole thing, doing most of the suggested exercises along the way. I realize now that my sense of self is extremely weak and that I have been enmeshed with my wife since before we were married. My weak sense of self and lack of self-respect has kept me from recognizing when I was dissatisfied with our relationship. I would minimize or dismiss my feelings to avoid causing trouble. Or, when I DID accept those feelings, I was too afraid of her negative reactions to be honest about them and take responsible action.
Now that I'm becoming better acquainted with my true self, I'm starting to believe that I'm no longer interested in continuing our marriage. My daydreams about being single again or finding other partners have been pervasive and constant, far beyond the point of the occasional "what if?" I still love my wife and don't want to hurt her in any way, but I fear that the longer I stay in this marriage without giving it my whole heart, the more pain I'm actually causing her. And yet, the thought of upsetting her by asking for a divorce or regretting my own decision later in life is paralyzing.
I'm not sure what kind of advice or reactions I'm looking for by posting here, but maybe it's good for me to just get it off my chest. I even find myself fearing your negative reactions to this post, which proves how far I still need to go before I feel comfortable asserting myself and being honest about my problems. In any case, thanks for reading.
I first started dating my wife in high school and we got married two years after graduating. Our 5-year anniversary is coming up. But over the past two years, I've developed a lingering sense of dissatisfaction and unease with our relationship.
Some of my reactions to this problem have been to become more perfectionistic about our apartment, her appearance, or our interactions with each other. I began to nag her about doing housework or drop passive-aggressive hints instead of speaking my mind. I also began daydreaming more and more frequently about divorcing her or finding outside relationships, and this has had a negative impact on our emotional intimacy.
Recently, I discovered the book "Codependency for Dummies" and read the whole thing, doing most of the suggested exercises along the way. I realize now that my sense of self is extremely weak and that I have been enmeshed with my wife since before we were married. My weak sense of self and lack of self-respect has kept me from recognizing when I was dissatisfied with our relationship. I would minimize or dismiss my feelings to avoid causing trouble. Or, when I DID accept those feelings, I was too afraid of her negative reactions to be honest about them and take responsible action.
Now that I'm becoming better acquainted with my true self, I'm starting to believe that I'm no longer interested in continuing our marriage. My daydreams about being single again or finding other partners have been pervasive and constant, far beyond the point of the occasional "what if?" I still love my wife and don't want to hurt her in any way, but I fear that the longer I stay in this marriage without giving it my whole heart, the more pain I'm actually causing her. And yet, the thought of upsetting her by asking for a divorce or regretting my own decision later in life is paralyzing.
I'm not sure what kind of advice or reactions I'm looking for by posting here, but maybe it's good for me to just get it off my chest. I even find myself fearing your negative reactions to this post, which proves how far I still need to go before I feel comfortable asserting myself and being honest about my problems. In any case, thanks for reading.
I would expect that some of the glow has worn off after 5 years. The feeling of love changes over the years. After more than 30 years, there are days when I imagine how wonderful it would be to be alone and only have to care for and about myself. It always passes.
Perhaps try behaving in less codependents ways and see how the relationship develops. This seems like it may pass given some time and real effort to detach from the codependency.
I think it is safe to say that you have become to love your wife as a FRIEND.
Dating since high school is a very young age...to be in love forever...it happens but it seems you are growing up and growing apart from your original needs in a relationship.
We learn as we grow and go thru different relationships who we truly are and what we need in relationships.
Living with someone is totally different than dating and that is when you learn a lot more about someone.
My mother was always against me living with someone prior to getting married...but my belief is living with someone first should be a prerequisite to marriage.
Times have changed also since the biblical thoughts on marriage...I know every time I have lived with someone it makes it or breaks it.
My assessment is...and I think I know because I have been there...I married my HS boyfriend. You have grown out of this relationship (she may have too). You are a kind person and don't want to hurt her.
You may also be concerned about what will the family and everyone in our circle think of me...it becomes such a TASK that you keep putting it off.
But ultimately if you have these feelings this relationship is not going to last a lifetime...it will end. The question is when? Are you going to go on 5-10 more years because your afraid of hurting everyone else...but feel its ok to let yourself feel stifled and unhappy?
People say this all the time..."Life is short"....and its said so much it becomes a phrase that is brushed off....Life is short...for real.
Find a way...either write down your feelings in a letter and read it to her...if you can't start the conversation...Ya know..write how much you love her but it has become more of a sisterly love...write down how much you have grown together, how much you see yourself hurting her and yourself by staying in the relationship, write down you will be filing for a divorce to set her free and find your new path in life.
If you feel this way - write down how you can always be there for her (it may end up you never have to be)...but instead of the relationship getting to the point where you hate her and she hates you....be true to yourself and her...and get it out and start over.
I would also suggest if you find the strength to do this and discuss with her.....try not to date for a few months after...give yourself some time...and when you do date...be very careful about falling hard too fast.
I see it as a huge mistake to break up your marriage, and surely the biggest dysfunction of codependency is to destroy our relationships.
Marriage is a healthy boundary, and divorce is violating that boundary, and too many codependent people run to the break up first and fast instead of maintaining the marriage and keeping that boundary intact.
When we break up then we still carry the codependency onward into every new relationship because codependency is totally inside of our self and it is NOT attached to your wife.
Being a perfectionist is a dysfunction - yes, and then criticizing your wife because of that perfectionism is another dysfunction, and most likely all that is passive-aggressive in that you want her to give you support in breaking up the marriage, and the dysfunctions really are a sickness.
Since you write it and say it and you know it then you are way ahead of myself when I was in that place, so you have a chance at saving your family instead of letting the codependency destroy it.
At some point every person looks out on the rest of humanity and sees it as a play ground as if you can just go get other women and start new relationships as if it is easy pickings, while the truth is that every one else looks at you and your young marriage as the real prize that we all only get one chance at, and that so many people just throw it away without understanding that you already have the very best there is, and there is nothing better after we break up our original marriage and family.
You do not say whether you two have any children and I must wonder why not? why would you not say it? or why would you not have children? as I would expect that to be a far bigger problem for you two than any thing else.
Welcome here to this group.
I wish you luck.
I was reading through an old journal a few months ago and I noticed that at the time we got engaged, I was excited to start our life together, but I was particularly happy that our conservative religious families and local culture would finally accept the fact that we were physically intimate and wanted to live together. It felt like we didn't have to hide a secret anymore and that was a relief.
Not only that, but I remember saying to myself, "what reason do I have NOT to marry her?" I never came up with a good answer to that question, and that proved to me at the time that I was making the right decision. I think I believed that I didn't deserve to be loved, so I was lucky to get what I got.
I look back at those journal entries now and realize that I didn't really know what marriage was, or the extent to which I was committing my life to another person. I was allowing others to make the decision for me, in the name of keeping my wife happy or saving face with our families.
I don't think our marriage is necessarily doomed because of that, but it is going to require me to truly commit to my wife, almost as if we were getting married for the first time again. And I'm not sure if I want to...
In response to Booky's question, we don't have any children. We've always said we didn't have enough money yet, but I think we both know we aren't emotionally ready for children, either. I'm very grateful that we don't have kids or even a house to complicate this situation. We're still renting an apartment in the same city we grew up in.
If you took vows and are now tempted to break them, that's serious.
It's not like changing your mind out at a restaurant...
I'd do what I can to save the marriage. Otherwise, I fear you'll just be running from things that can make you a better person if you stay.
If, by becoming more aware of my true feelings, discover that I no longer want to be married, wouldn't it be a violation of my own boundaries to continue the marriage?
Hi...when you come to these forums..you will get all different views from people who have their own problems (ME HUGELY)...LOL. Some share their problems and some others may not...but the problems are there or we wouldn't be on Social Media in forums like this. That said...you have to
Read the suggestions and pick what applies to you with your current situation. And not take anything as it is a MUST do or your a failure.
The "old school" folks I find tend to have strong beliefs in marriage that have been instilled in them since youth. Either by religious beliefs or the way they were raised.
Times have changed. Everything changes. If I believe in God...I have to believe that he put me here for a purpose...and one of those purposes was NOT to be miserable...but to live my life to the fullest...to love and help others...and many other things...
He is also a forgiving God and knows I make mistakes. I was married to someone who beat the hell out of me all the time. This was not good for me or my kids.
And I tried to stay in the marriage because of my parents belief in God and the marriage commitment and the abuse continued. The hitting stopped but it went to emotional abuse. I suffered...my kids suffered and the man was suffering..because he was always in JAIL.
Your marriage in my opinion is not healthy...or happy. I believe that you both deserve to be happy. Maybe if the bible was written today...with all we have learned over the centuries...it would say ONE SHOULD NOT MARRY TILL 30 years old!
Again, if it is God you are afraid of...he is forgiving...he wants you happy...he wants your wife happy.
To answer your question from my viewpoint..yes, it is a violation of your boundaries. The only honorable thing you can do at this point for yourself is to be TRUE to YOURSELF....and to properly end this marriage before it gets to a point of destruction.
I watch all these shows called "Snapped" where people hate their marriages SO much that they "snap" and kill themselves, or their husbands or wifes, even children...use poison sometimes because they become so desperate....their minds become so sick from staying in unhealthy relationships for the wrong reasons. Many of the couples on that show...have been thru therapy or have been brainwashed to the point they think they would be so ashamed to split up so they kill the spouse instead.
Im not saying you will be on SNAPPED..but you and your wife will never find your purpose in life if you stay cooped up in a relationship that neither of you are happy in.
And I can say probably 100% if you are not happy..and not acting as loving as you possibly can in this marriage. Than SHE is not happy either.
Do what is right for you...YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE.
You don't want to be in a rocking chair....thinking you wasted your whole life being miserable.
If your religious...ask God for forgiveness...learn from this experience and carry it with you to the next phase of your life.
To followup my own past comment, then in my view the fact that you do not have any children then you two are NOT really married, and you two are just living under some legal contract or civil union, and in this case a divorce will mean just as little as did the original marriage.
Young people who get married for a companion or for sex or for whatever without the point and purpose of having children - then it is not really a marriage.
As such I say that your marriage was still a boundary but it was not a healthy boundary, and as such then a divorce might even be a healthy violation of that marriage (IMO).
A true healthy boundary is where we (you) make a decision for our self and about our self and then we stick to that decision, so when we change the decision then it violates the boundary.
This "violation" is not a case of "good or bad" because some times it is right to violate a boundary but it is still a violation.
As like I decide to quit smoking and ten years later I start smoking again then it started out as a healthy boundary and it got violated, so too we make a marriage for life and some years later we get a divorce then we are violating our own stand and our own decision and thereby violating our own boundary.
Your wife married you so that is her own boundary. So if she does not want a divorce then you will be violating her boundary too, but if she wants the divorce then you both are violating your boundaries.
As such then I agree with you (Jaron) that if you now decide to save your marriage then yes it will be like getting married for the first time, and it is your decision but also her decision too, and my research and my experience tells me that you need to try hard as possible to save your relationship and that marriage because in this life we MIGHT get some second chance but the first chance is always the most important one and there is no replacing that original innocence. Get the divorce and then you will join the rest of us who will never be innocent ever again.
You admit that you have been behaving in a passive aggressive manner and demanding perfection with nagging and other abusive behaviors. That can only lead to total distress for BOTH of you. Neither partner in a relationship can be abusive without harming both members. Every time you were demanding perfection from her, you caused yourself to experience some harm for yourself in believing that perfection would somehow improve things.
The reason that suggest that you stay and work on this relationship is to learn how to live in greater harmony, learn what you need and want from a relationship and perhaps realize that it is present with your wife when you BOTH grow in understanding. Even if you eventually choose to divorce, you will have learned what you need to live with another in close quarters. IN that time, you may rediscover what drew you to your wife in the first place.
Running from your marriage now leaves you in the same place to make the same choice to end up in another relationship which closely mirrors the one youre in right now. We repeat mistakes over and over until we learn the lessons being presented.
So take the time now, in this relationship to learn about yourself, try loving your wife with renewed commitment to the things that you value in a relationship. This may be what you wanted all along. If not, your BOTH will learn and grow in knowledge and wisdom.
I'm really sorry to hear about others who have been through abusive marriages and similar situations. Sadmom, what you said really struck me. It's true that my wife deserves to be with someone who is happily committed to her, and like Missy said earlier, how long is it going to take before I finally decide to make the change? Another 5 years? It's only going to get harder and harder.
I also liked what BrightSide said about working on this relationship in order to learn more about myself and what I want from potential relationships in the future. It's possible that I might rediscover something I had forgotten and I'll feel better about my marriage, and it's also possible that there are things about it that we're not willing to accept or change. Either way, I've learned something valuable, and I can use that wisdom for a better future.
For what it's worth, I have been honest with her about these feelings. Everything I've written in this discussion, I've said to her before. She's been extremely patient with me and says she would still like to try to work things out.
I've had a plan in the back of my head since New Year's Day, kind of like a New Year's resolution. It was to make a final decision by the end of 2015, a decision I could feel certain about and not regret later (at least not too much). I'm going to stick to that goal. In the meantime, I'll do everything I can to work on our marriage and see if my feelings change. I'm going to give it one last chance, one big push, and if I don't feel differently by the end of the year... I'll set us both free.
Glad you are taking steps to work thru your issues...its always a process, it can be daunting because sometimes everything hits you at once....but you know...you don't have to technically 'do' anything until you are fully realized about what you are dealing with....so that is the good news :)
So for some reason originally when I read the post and commentary I had nothing to chip in, I have been semi out of sorts myself, so feeling really bankrupt in the feedback department. But then something struck me in your post;
"I've developed a lingering sense of dissatisfaction and unease with our relationship"
So I think this is the problem, I think this is where you look, and I think this what is causing the respective actions which are identifiable 'passive aggressive', 'perfectionism', etc. But I am wondering if you have actually sat down and figured out what is actually at the root of the issues? Like do you have quantifiable and identified issues?
Such as something benign as you hate the way your wife chews her food? Or something more problematic as sexual compatibility? Or maybe you don't like the way you are in the relationship, are you feeling lesser than? Or whatever it is....I obviously can't tell you. But I personally think these will be the things you want to actually look at so that you can determine....is my marriage solvable/salvageable or are there truly issues that you can't live with or want to even try to solve.
Maybe each time you start seeing yourself acting passive aggressively, ask yourself "So what is it that I really want to say about this"...such as "I am disgusted when you leave your toothbrush on the sink" "or that outfit is unflattering and it makes me feel uncomfortable as I want to be represented better than that"....Or if it is a perfectionist moment....ask yourself this same question. When you have any moments with your wife....just stay present and aware of yourself and her, and what feelings are coming up and why....what aren't you seeing/saying/doing that needs to be addressed.
I think at a high level you totally got this worked out, I think there have been a variety of suggestions which are great (very black and white I might add).....I just think maybe this would be a good tool for you to help you actually figure out the roots of the issues you are dealing with and see if they are worth voicing and working thru or if they are actually so big and you aren't able to be in the relationship anymore.
Anyway, good luck on your journey and hopefully you find something of value in my comment :) If not, you can totally ignore it! It is all only with good intentions! Take care