Hi Friend,

There is no perfect codependent and there is no perfect recovery. Each of us has our own ways, we set our own boundaries and what may be right for one person may not be for the next one.

I have found codependency tricky because it is really about my personal boundaries, and when I step over the line for myself, well I can usually tell by my gut instinct. Usually your internal sense is correct.

Almost without exception, everyone on the boards is honestly trying to help. But all of our advice, suggestions, observations may not be true or correct for everyone.

I usually try to read, listen, etc. with as open mind as possible, but sometimes I just mentally reject an opinion if I do not agree. We will not all agree on every issue, too. Sort of like the 12-step programs, take what you like and leave the rest. :-)

Caring is fine, IMHO, we just have to be careful that we do not start taking on others' stuff. :-) And we may have different interpretations of when we are being codependent and when we just care or are concerned.

Hugs,

Shar

sharm thats just it, i am here cause i am not sure if i am codpendant or not, i do alot for myself i motivate anyone i know to do for themselves but i have a complex where i have to help people i always do, but i never put that before my own self or my family, so see i dont even know if i should be in here i thought by reading posts i could figure it out. in the post about sunsets, i just did not like what she said just wanted to post in a thread she did to have a friend check in on her, and who ever that was told me it was unhealthy for me to do that lol

No, but I think it means give and take, sometimes doing for yourself and sometimes doing for others.

Being here, expressing our concerns, our doubts, our struggles doesn't give others the right to judge us and criticize. That's a form of control and abuse. Sometimes we try to offer advice & it backfires. I can be a bit too heavy-handed, so I'll take my cues from how the person responds. First and foremost, this is a "Support" Group, right?

But I hear ya, loud n' clear, GiS, and it goes without saying, that to be concerned about someone's desperate plea is a human trait, not some codependency thing. Unless it's codependency for that particular person, who feels it's codependent for THEMSELVES. So the boundary they need to set is for themselves, not others.

That's my truth & stickin' to it. JMHO.

I'm so sorry I made you worry. Thanks for caring about me. I've just been in a low place and didn't know what to say. I can't believe the posts my post received. I was just being honest, and needed other peoples support advice, etc. that's what I thought this site was about. Some of you are jerks and need professional help. "really pissed off" author... Get a grip and some compassion. Thanks again to anyone who really cared. Maybe I was in need of attention isn't everyone who posts on here? Jeez..

Really Pissed Off author was full of compassion, which is why she was so upset. She was deeply concerned & didn't know what to do. She didn't know how to help you when you wrote a suicide note & then promptly left the conversation...

This board is not about getting attention. It's about having some support as we create healing our own lives, so we know we're going in the right direction. Big Diff.

Take Care of Yourself. Thanks for reappearing & letting us know you're safe.

I think that caring is a good thing, and I must admit that I too was worried about Sunsets after her post. I am not far along on my path to recovery, and If caring about someone who is at the end of their rope is unhealthy, then I am OK with that.

Sunsets, I am glad that you posted, and I wish you the best.

Thank you all for you caring hopeful words. I'll be deleting my account as someone appears to be attacking me. I wrote my post in desperation, and know that a lot of you helped me. I wasn't able to get through my actual life, let alone chat on here. I hope y'all understand, wish y'all nothing but the best. Unfortunate how this site has changed since I joined

This is all i am gonna say about this someone made a threat some people showed compassion like me others said i am not followinv coda i did not realize you had to follow a book to react. There a lot of different variations of codependency, theres not one guidebook for all. So dont preach if the book you follow i dont. I dont tell you not to follow coda. So if i am the cause of the uproar so be it.

Now onto sunset, i posted looking for you, i sent you a friend request to talk to try and help. I understand a dark place but how you handled it wrong, now your accused of being a drama queen i beleive it. I beleive your looking for attention. I wasted time trying to be a nice and looking to talk to u. I argued with people about how i was handling it but ohb well bye bye

Umm ever heard of compassion. My true friends on here offered support and caring words... Y'all should be ashamed of yourselves, truly. Who are you to judge my intention or words

ha thats just it i never questioned i just tried to show concern, for a total stranger cause of how powerful your words are. anyones words are for that matter, words can change everything,

my only point is i never until that last post jumped on a bandwagon, i was attacked for being concerned for a stranger, i suggest you go look for my post with the same title as your name. cause its not a CODA thing and its unhealthy, knowing and not doing something to help in a harmful situation to me is unhealthy,

so i am not the norm in here i am an exception i dont beleive coda should apply to everyone, everyones situation is different its a basis not a bible, so as for that sunset your welcome, a true friend is one who sits by you through thick and thin. i know that, i wish i had someone like that, i truely do, but i tried to connect and help a total stranger

You should NEVER have been attacked. Do you see what itsays at the bottom before posting? This site has helped me immensely the past 3 years. Idk what these peoples problems are but its people like you who have helped me hold on for the past the years. Read my journals

Did I miss something-?

Keep it in private, you two. Message each other.

I just don't know when it became okay to attack someone, me, who was obviously in a low place. I've been a member here for years and never felt attack ed. Let alone felt like the people who cared enough to offer support get attacked. Its weird... I could become defensive but online harassment is CHILDISH AND IMMATURE. not giving these people the satisfaction and staying. But leaving the boards. Again, sorry to anyone I offended with my "pathetic" life story. Name calling i.e. troll, what does that even mean.... Is what is really pathetic. Get a life

I agree with alot of what dlancer said- I will admit that I have not read every word of this thread but the jist that I have gotten is that "Sunsets" made a post at some point because she was feeling Mighty low, in the dark, hopeless and wanting a terminally out and "Gettingitstraight", the originator of this post, was questioning if recovery from codependency was only about being 'cold' and detachment...

My therapist shared something with me today that made some sense and that I am still pondering. Suicidal ideation is a result of the ultimate judgement of the self, feeling worthless and hopeless and without redemption etc. I too, many times, in my life 'wanted out!' This last go around and break-up was probably the closest I've ever come. The reason??? Because I have done my 'work', I did feel like I had finally earned the love in my life and of my life. I had dedicated myself to growth and amends and being a healthy and sincere person. I never wanted to harm anyone, I felt like I had learned healthy communication and boundaries and had healed my past etc. etc. and still found myself in my 40's alone and in so much pain! What did I not know?!? What did God still want me to learn?? What did I do wrong 'F'n' Again! I am smart and wise and gentle and loving, haven't gotten off on drama for many decades and on and on. And still I was blindsided.

I still do not have the answers to any of the above questions but what I do know is that recovery from codendency is not about being cold. And yes, I have sat in many meetings where it seems like all you hear is 'Do For, Take Care Of and Put Yourself First'. What I know first person, is the deeper meaning of that. If your whole identity and self esteem is wrapped up in doing for others and feeling the affects of whether or not the accolades come- than Yes, a shift in focus from them to yourself needs to happen for a time until you are more grounded within your own spirit and genuinely self assured. But I can not imagine living only a self focused life whereby I Need to rob myself of the gift that comes from being able to make someone else smile. Forget it!

And the fact that, Sunset was still around long enough to respond says to me that there is still a spark. I didn't read your original post but Again I've been there.... And I for one applaud you for reaching out...done, done and done. Sometimes, My Sweet, that's the best we've got. If you were blasted for causing worry than perhaps an apology is warranted but do not live in the spirit of judging yourself forever! You are Not Nor have never been alone in your dark thoughts Many of Us have been there and more than once might I add.

I currently have two friends that have gone underground. I worry about them daily. My worry is Not friggen abnormal. I hope they resurface soon, but until that day comes....I send them as much compassion and love and respect and support as they may need UNTIL(there is no time limit and their grief and healing does Not need to be done my way)! My world, my day(s), my own crap, my own pain, my own healing and my own recovery does not stop because of it. I love them no matter their choices. If they let me in and I can help Great! If Not than they have my heart no matter what unconditionally.

That's all I have to say on the subject.... :)