Codependency Support Group
Codependency is defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for another person's struggles. A codependent person may try to change, or feel shame about their most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with the other person's struggles. If you are on a journey towards self-love, this support group is for you. Join us and find others...
So for me it is very hard to get out of toxic entanglements. I don't know why it takes me so long. I guess in this particular case I felt a sense of obligation-the person had picked me up from the hospital once, and I have been good friends with their family. The family has had me over for holidays. But, the relationship with one of the people in the family (the cousin) was going south, fast.
I didn't see it at first. We were hanging out with a group and there were so many people aroun (like ten) that I didn't really see the toxcicity. One of my friends called me up, she was complaining vehemently that she thought this person was a narcissist and that we would just all drop everything the minute this person threw a tantrum. Again, I didn't see what was going on because I was distracted by the people and events. It became apparent, though, as people started drifting away and even one said to take her off of the distribution list and stop calling her, that there were real problems. It started to be just me hanging out with this one person. I started to notice that she would fly into a rage whenever I had plans with someone else, and that she would just tie up all my time and have a toddler rage if I had plans later the same day or around the time of her plan. She would frequently text and email me to demand to know my schedule and what I was doing. Plans I had actually went south because of her, and I started to feel like my life and my circle was diminishing. And frankly I started to get scared. I got the definite feeling that she was trying and would have liked to make sure she cut off my other relationships. I mean I couldn't even see my family without her having a meltdown.
I finally said I was quitting her hiking group. I mean we had been doing it for nine years. I tried, I mean I really tried to continue on a less involved basis. I tried coming to some events and not others. I tried going to short events instead of day long events. Nothing worked. Every single little thing was a problem. I couldn't move, say or do anything right. I got ripped for getting lost or not walking fast enough. It just started to feel like a repeat of my dysfunctional past. The more I continued the worse it got. I have a lot of abuse and neglect in my past. Hanging out with some people is like hanging out with the angry parent. Screw that crap. I see that there is a pattern of much older people who are more dominating trying to plant themselves in my life. At least I see it now. It could be toxic parent energy.
Today after nine years I finally quit the group. I sent out an email. It might have been nice to continue on a lesser basis, but after the nasty four-paragraph diatribe that she sent us this year. and her going off on me because I went out of town and planned a party, I decided I was done. If I wasn't so mired in my codependency issues, I would have been done a lot earlier. It could be denial, I don't know. It could be fear of being alone. It could be fear of someone else getting angry. It could be a whole lot of core issues. At the end of the day it's ****ed up and it's got to go.
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It's been some time since my last post...sorry. I've been going through a challenging time with the sale of my home, purchase of a condo and my adult asperger son that lives with me. I've had days where I couldn't get out of bed, days where I stayed in my pj's and days where all I managed to do was eat, drink fluids and take care of my Sweet Mia kitty. Sweet Mia came to me from a shelter about...
And I had a friendship with an older woman for a couple of years that sounds similar to what you described above... my therapist at the time helped me realize it was unhealthy so I ended the friendship.
I think you are on the right path now. There are other hiking groups out there and healthier friendships to find.
What you said about the person picking you up from the hospital hit a nerve because obligation is a HUGE reason why I stay in toxic relationships. People aren't black and white, so even the most toxic people can do genuinely kind and good things. Or even if they did it for the wrong reasons (and which of us haven't done good things for the wrong reasons), they have done things that genuine have benefitted me in some way, so I feel like I owe them. I used to feel like the smallest crumb of kindness deserved my utmost loyalty.
Unfortunately, I didn't understand what loyalty actually was and thought that lying about how I really felt and doing stuff I didn't want to do was loyalty, which looking back at it now, I was duping the other person and being dishonest with them, but anyways... not saying you did that, but I had a very twisted sense of loyalty and thought I was being loyal when really, I was being dishonest.
Anyways, back to obligation, one really interesting note I made to myself when I was really codependent was that I couldn't leave a toxic relationship because I felt I was the bad guy for abandoning the other person, so I felt like I couldn't leave a situation that I was miserable in unless I felt like the other person was fully responsible and the problem, and I could leave still feeling the good guy. That lead to a huge amount of score-keeping, me getting outrageously fawning and doing favours and "helping out" and panicking every time they did something nice for me because I felt like that wiped my scoreboard and I couldn't leave because they weren't totally evil.
I remember telling myself I had to find a way to completely hate someone and get to a point where torturing them slowly with a rusty cheese grater would give me joy to feel like I could leave them.
Luckily, I'm a little less codependent now that I can look back and that say to myself back then, "damn, things don't need to get that dramatic for you to be able to leave."
I believe a far more healthier, not-codependent way of looking at leaving relationships is instead of focusing on whether or not the other person is a total monster so we can leave, realizing that they can be a good person but you don't enjoy their company is GOOD ENOUGH REASON.
We're allowed to have preferences, even superficial, shallow ones. You don't want to hang around someone who don't like watching Games of Thrones. That's okay! Your dealbreaker is someone who likes pineapple on pizza? As long as you're being authentic, it's cool.
I do wonder why some people *don't* stay in toxic situations and one thing I came up with is that they allow themselves the leave the moment they feel uncomfortable or they're dissatisfied or disappointed, or even, they just don't vibe with with the other person. Maybe if we realize that simply, "I don't like this situation" is a valid reason, regardless of who is wrong, regardless of who owes who what, just the fact that we don't want to be in that situation anymore is good enough to be out of that situation, we won't stay in toxic situations as long.
For me, someone complimenting me once felt like I owed them my life. There are others, a lot more, and very complex reasons for why I stay in toxic situations, but for me, that sense of obligation is my main one.
Good on you for getting over that! It's not easy. I'm sure you'll find a hiking group that will suit you better :)
This is a long and painful lesson you learned. Next time you will recognize the red flags quicker. You will see it quicker. I promise. Maybe we need these lessons to be so painful in order that it sticks with us and we change?
Thank you for writing this. I had someone call me and I think they wanted support or a therapist. I am not a therapist. I was very tired and slightly sick that day and had no energy to give. I spend a few minutes chatting and giving minimal support. So I was proud of myself for giving them 10 minutes and getting off the phone.
But later, like today, the thought crept into my head that I "should" call this person back and see how they are doing. Not I want to call this person because I care but I should try to "help" this person. The old me calling but I didn't like the old codependent me. I remind myself the correct response is to step back and not try to fix this person. But it only stuck when I read your post and the responses.
Thank you. Stay strong. You have value and worth and we can't fix other people. We do have to be self protective.
My codependence started as a teen with her....she was a very strong personality and person. Over the years our relationship ebbed and flowed, but because we'd been friends for so long we'd just pick back up again from where we'd left off.
I'm 70, I'd known her from elementary school. Over the years my codependence showed it self by me running when ever she wanted help, sometimes hurting my own health I helped. Yet, I found over time she took away my energy cause I wanted to please her, she complained always about her life, family etc...I'd always stick up for her...in the end I came to realize ""the everyone else is wrong, hurts me, does me wrong"" was just the way she was and I didn't want that in my life. Sadly, I told her the truth the way I saw it...negativity and complaining...and what I felt was a lack of respect for what I said I needed from her....well to make a long story short, our 50+ year relationship ended. It was hard at first, as I expect your ended a 10 year relationship, just know that you are not alone, it takes as much time as it takes. I wish you the best in finding new friendships that are 'equal' and honest that will fill you up with a good life.