I'm 8 months pregnant and exhausted. My partner is spending more and more time drinking with his friends and I have no friends or family that will help me or keep me company. Everyone I know is a self - obsessed narcissist like my mother, uses me and only wants to focus on themselves. I am so used to being a scapegoat and a doormat that I seek people who will treat me that way while struggling to form new friendships with better people. Social services are involved with the birth of my baby because of my partner's violence and past convictions, and despite being very pleased with me becauseI never skip appointments and I engage well with others, they want him out of my life.
Time is dragging. I know from experience that that is a sign of anxiety, and I'm trying to find a calm place in my mind but it just feels like my heart is loudly breaking. I miss my partner. He is not the nicest man, but he used to be into me. He insisted for many years that I have his baby and now that I am pregnant he can't take the stress. He smokes tons of weed, has lost weight and now he also drinks.
He hates being around me, doesn't like it when I talk, only wants to play his wrestling videos and resents having to help me as I can't bend to clean anymore. The pregnancy has changed everything. I feel like I am losing everything I need to survive and my whole life is over. I cried for hours last night as I was very tired and lonely, today I am just too drained but I am starting to well up. I can't say any of this to anyone or they'll think I'm weak and take my baby away. Maybe I should give her away. What a horrible mess.
I'm here stuck at home too tired to do anything, too hurt to think clearly and so sad that it's difficult to breathe. It was going well, but then he stopped being in touch and started disappearing with his friends. I know this hurts too much because of co-dependency and an unhealthy way of relating to him, to partners in general. I focus way too much on them, feel extreme agony from jealousy and pregnancy has not helped as I am even more emotional and fragile than rver.
I feel that I spend my life waiting, waiting for him, and my phone becomes my enemy: every second that it doesn't ring it's the most excruciatingly painful and draining feeling. I want to just throw it away, burn it. Tomorrow I have to go to an antenatal class alone, it will be difficult to see all the couples happily working together towards the happiness of their new baby, while I try to focus on the matter at hand, and struggle because I will be thinking of him. But I will do it.
This has been going on for a very long time and I am very discouraged and disappointed with myself for being still in the same place psychologically. It's like I need someone that doesn't want me to be there to break my heart. Over and over. Why can't I just move on despite all the therapy? It's very frustrating. In turn I blame myself for letting this guy run my life and be in charge of my mood, which makes me feel very silly and lowers my self-esteem even further.
I should have no partner for a very long time.
I'm glad I have found a forum where people understand the agony of co-dependent feelings and the utter dejected loneliness that comes with them. I wish us all well, and to find some calm and happiness in the wild storm that our lives can be.
So things settled down until our parenting class, now my Ex is engaged to the BF of 6 months , who by the way has never met the kids.so i get an email from him suggesting we talked about the situtation , that his girl is not be disrespected anymore ect...keep in mind I have not spoken to her in months..... ( maybe he's talking about the kids??) no idea.. that shes a wonderful mother ect.oh ok,...
Since I was young I had a love for alcohol like no one else. I drink every night till I past out, my liver is dying I am dying. Alcohol is so good SO Good God what happened to me???