Codependency Support Group
Codependency is defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for another person's struggles. A codependent person may try to change, or feel shame about their most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with the other person's struggles. If you are on a journey towards self-love, this support group is for you. Join us and find others...
I had a friend, who is the administrator for a Facebook group I belong to, ask me my thoughts on letting my ex-husband join the group.
My ex and I have a history of having a hostile relationship since our divorce. It started of course when I started setting boundaries and insisting that he maintain them. Also, there is still a lot of anger from me towards because I recognized later how much I was manipulated to my detriment in the marriage.
The group is for parents of adults of individuals with special needs. I use the group to get resources for myself and ask questions. I've used the group to vent my frustrations about him and the things he has done regarding my sons and daughter.
It has been my support and I don't think he should join because I would have to give it up for myself.
At first I felt that allowing him to him would be me showing that I could be the bigger person but then I decided that I need the group and have used it for years. I don't need him taking away a resource from me.
He has a church group that he attends that does the same thing. He doesn't have to join my support group.
Thoughts?
I am so happy that you joined into this discussion as it is always nice to get different points of view.
My view is that this is not her boundary of a Facebook group and it is just trying to control the ex husband who has every right to join any Facebook group.
Are we to say that I go to a CoDA group and so my ex wife can not go to the same local CoDA group? Do we get to say it is my Church group and so we get to say who can or can not go to the same Church as we do?
Call that as a boundary but it is not a healthy boundary.
I never saw that movie "Fight Club" so maybe it has some insights?
It is not her own Facebook page, and she is not the Admin for that FB group, and so it is violating boundaries to demands some ex relationship can not join.
I have so dysfunctional relatives that they are too sensitive to send or to receive an email from me their brother or uncle, and it is only a computer screen or their telephone screen as it is not real life, so what kind of a boundary says that we can not interact online without it being too much to handle?
A healthy boundary means that we control our self - not to control other people.
HERE is a link about boundaries that I recommend = https://independentfew.wordpress.com/2015/02/03/boundaries-walls-and-denial/
I have to say that you seem like the controlling one in this conversation!
Honestly, the guy sounds like he is slightly stalking his ex wife knowing full well she is in this group! I have had an abusive ex infiltrate ALL of my social circles knowing full well what he was doing. I had no choice but to walk away from many of these circles. Predatory people, especially if they are smart, will look for ways to stalk that are "socially acceptable." Ie How can I say anything if he turns up at every event where I am? He's not stalking me; he just happens to be at the same event.
There is no reason for this guy to join her group run by her friend when there are plenty other groups out there! He sounds like a stalker to me. Her friend asked her if she objected to him joining because her friend respected that she has been a group member for years and thus should have seniority and respect. No group is required to accept any member.
Welcome to this discussion, and I appreciate your new views.
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You said:
"... you seem like the controlling one in this conversation!"
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It is important that we see "control" and controlling as having two sides as one side is negative and hurtful while the other side is positive and helpful.
We want competent people to have control as like having loving parents in control of their children is a blessing, having the best Boss on a job makes our job so much better, and on a life-boat when one person knows better how to steer the boat then we put that person in control of the boat.
Control and controlling is only negative when the person(s) in control are being abusive or dysfunctional or incompetent.
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You said:
"... the guy sounds like he is slightly stalking his ex wife ..."
"He sounds like a stalker to me."
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That might be true as he might be a stalker - but we do not know that for certain, and it is wrong to jump to fear and being afraid of an ex even if he does want to join the same Facebook group.
Therefore the question is what is the best boundary for "Cobalt" or for anyone dealing with an ex, and she is not in control of that group, she is not the Admin, and she is not in control of her ex, and so she is trying to take control - and that is the dysfunction of being controlling - and in that case she is not to be in control.
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It is possible that the ex is doing wrong and maybe he is doing wrong? and so we must ask what is the correct response when he is doing wrong? and the old way of trying to control him is not the right way.
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You said:
" I had no choice but to walk away from many of these circles. "
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When you walked away then you were controlling your self and rightly so.
Take control of our self, yes - and do not try to control our ex.
This is the point that I am trying to make.
I have been to a lot of therapy in order to learn to spot red flag behaviour of abusers because this is the only way not to get into more abusive relationships! If you recognise the early signs, then you will most likely not let them suck you in and become attached. This is the type of therapy and awareness that is taught by the foremost experts in abusive relationships. Therefore, for you to say "well maybe he is a stalker and maybe he is toxic and maybe he is not," is very unproductive and lacking awareness. Based on what has happened in the past, I do not believe that her ex is healthy or acting with sound principles.
My friends who knew about my stalker's negative obsession with me and also saw how it affected me, actually betrayed me by proclaiming his innocence when he would do things like manage to slip drugs into the drinks I was having etc. They did not want to lose a rich and powerful friend and chose him and his toxic behaviour over my longterm supportive friendship. That was their decision to support a toxic person and so I walked away. Imo Cobalt's friend knows enough about the situation to respect Cobalt's wishes. Enablers in any form are not ok. You should know that in here.
But that is just my view, and I do not want to be one of the expert.
Co-dependents who have been in abusive relationships have to learn to be less tolerant, not more tolerant! They got abused because they were so tolerant and blamed themselves, didn't set proper boundaries, etc. Would you allow a convicted pedophile to join your kids group? Or since you wouldn't allow that, would it be "controlling?"
Yes we must control pedophiles, and putting people / criminals into jail and into prisons are controlling realities.
There are both positive and negative aspects to control and of controlling.
In the opening post there is no claim that her ex husband is a pedophile or any such a thing, and it is just talking about an online Facebook group where there is no kind of physical contact.
I do not accept that claim that codependent people or anybody needs to learn to be less tolerant because tolerance is a high virtue and every one does need to be more tolerant of other people.
We are not to tolerate crime or abuse or addictions or mistreatment - certainly not - but to tolerate an ex lover in the same room or into the same online group is not a dysfunction.
Tolerance is divided into positive and negative sides too.
What about here at Daily Strength (DS)? - is this website expected to keep out ex's, or are they to ask if we want to tolerate our ex or not? is DS to give up its own control over people who join based on our members feelings? and what if an ex is using a fake identity then is that a violation of anyone? ~ to all of that I say no, no, no.
If we go by our own feelings then yes it feels nice to take a shot at our ex, and to keep the ex out of a group feels powerful - but it is not a healthy feeling and it is not a right way to live.
People who abuse are intolerant of others, and they control others to feel better about their self, and that is the sickness of the abusers.
This is just my own opinion of course, but it is based on my years of research and experience.
Mr KIA
We practice self care so that we treat ourselves so well, the bar raises, the standards raise, and like someone who would not get into an abusive relationship in the first place owing to their happy upbringing, we stop accepting those situations! You are dangerously advising the author of this thread to go back on everything she has learned and escaped!!
An ex trying to join into an online Facebook group is not an act of abuse.
It is not a threat, not a danger, not a red flag, it is not even a physical interaction.
Protecting our self when protection is really needed is fine - but protecting our self when there is no true justification is just acting in cowardice.
We need to support doing right and doing correctly - yes.
We are not to support doing wrong or doing unhealthy - no.
If we take the realistic view that people here are working on recovery and are working on our own dysfunctions then we simply must tell them how to do it correctly.
We are not to support anything that some one says as if it must be right.
You are comparing another person's ex as a pedophile and a stalker when you are just pulling that out of nothing, and that is creating drama when it is just a person asking about a Facebook group.
That kind of approach is what bothered me about the CoDA 12 Step meetings because some person will talk and say some wild declaration and we listening to it were not allowed to speak up and tell the person that they are misguided and wrong.
When I first learned about codependency it was at the Meadows Treatment Facility in Arizona and they always asked every other person in the group to share our view of whatever any other person would say - and to not let others respond was deemed to be abusive - so the CoDA and Al-Anon and 12 step groups do it wrong for codependency.
To be effective with codependency then each person must get feedback for whatever any of us say or declare.
To give support by saying it is okay when it is not okay is a way of hurting others.
So we are just talking about it here - and the original author is not going to do as I say unless she agrees with what I say - and that is how it works.