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I know i have control issues as a recovering codependent i am working on them ... how do u handle others control over u ... one thing is walk away not encouraging the game ... what has helped u in getting away from others trying to control u.
I am in a situation (re. Mom & sisters) where I have no voice and am not allowed any power. This is not a perception; it's a fact. When I try to exert influence or offer advice, I am hammered down or effectively shut out. Maybe it's the sibling effect, since I am the youngest.
Whatever the case, I have had to fight very hard (picking only the most important battles) in order to be heard.
Done a lot of journalling about it. Talk daily with my best friend who knows the family dynamics and offers sage advice on how to avoid provoking, how to let go, where to make a point of being heard.
Even this weekend, there was a tremendous blow-up by my control freak sister when I tried to be pro-active and take action, as my mother looks like death warmed over.
People say the "old tapes" are what keep us tied in knots, but what about when the tapes are alive and unwell?
People can say I'm acting like a victim, or they can say, "wow -- that sucks." And it does. Suck. So, how to feel empowered in a room full of control freaks?
I tried to keep my mouth shut & stay in the corner, but that proverbially hog-tied me and I became horribly depressed. I have tried to walk away and not encourage, but all that does is give them what they want. Power.
I try to avoid seeking permission & asking questions like, "Is it okay if I call Mom's medical advocate?" (which is disempowering), but stating, "I called Mom's medical advocate" (which is an empowered stance, but it pissed them off) ... but if I give them lead time: "I am going to call the medical advocate ..." -- I have once again given away all my cards, and I am effectively told they will handle it).
This weekend got me in hot water because I didn't seek permission, but acted on a serious gut instinct by contacting that medical advocate directly out of deep concern for mom's well-being. Which may have saved my mother's life. My sister was livid, screamed at me. But the fact remains that my call put a fire under that advocate's ass, and Mom has a Dr. appointment 1st thing Monday a.m.
Control freaks can really disempower us. Call us victims, when we react with rage. They want us to stay quiet, to stay out of the way.
Sometimes it's a "lose/lose" situation. What I try to figure out is the "win/win" -- even if it ruffles some feathers. I told my sister that I have 2 priorities re. Mom: Her medication management and Her personal safety. I told her. I didn't ask. I didn't yell. I just calmly stated those were my 2 priorities. They are logical and cannot be argued.
I'm still ignored for the most part, and I am greatly aware of how this dynamic of bully/victim has affected my relationships with friends, coworkers, partners, family.
I am angry because I know I can help save the family thousands of dollars/month (we're going bankrupt over Mom's care) if they would just let me take Mom to her Dr appointments (instead of a very expensive Advocate's Assistant) and let me dispense her meds each week (instead of the incompetent nurses we hired). I might try to work up a letter, pointing out the financial savings. But first, I'd have to find out what each service is costing us. And I am not privy to that information. This is a very disempowering position to be in. A great disadvantage.
But see? Even this is reading like one of my journals. And my friend can help me to word the email in such a way that it will sound like a business proposal. Which is the best way to deal with Control Freaks, imo.
I have also seen where my own control issues can tie me in knots. That is where the mantra: "Let Go and Let Be" can work.
Good question.
I am sick of others trying to control me.
We have to be strong and do what is good for us,
I have to say, in some instances, I avoid certain people, and in some cases, I am telling them "no." You do not have to give away your power. In cases where you do not have power (such as what Amelah describes) then you can only act as you think is correct and deal with the consequences of that. If someone is angry, blah, blah, that is their problem. It is best to be true to your internal instincts and authentic feelings, IMHO.
Shar