So I've been doing things a little bit differently, and it seems to be working.  I've noticed when I'm feeling stressed or overwhelmed with people in my life, and I've actually planned ahead as to how I handle it.  I know for a fact that the person who leads our hiking group is unbelievably dominating and pushy.  If I didn't think she had other good qualities, I probably would not be bothering with her or the hiking group at all.  We've been hiking together as a group for about eight years now for once a month.  At least half of these trips are day-long road trips and some are local. During the summer, when it's too hot, we drive out of town, and during the winter, when it's nice, we hike in town. After the last out of town road trip last June, which I thought was a real disaster, I decided I would do in-town short ones and not the longer ones.  I am not going to deal with the emotional stress, tirades, and spiral of negativity.  When you are stuck in a car all day with someone there is no way of getting away from it.  At least when you are hiking in a group, you can be concentrating on the activity, not serving as an unpaid psychiatrist.  The reason that I joined a hiking group was that I like to...well...hike...you know, I thought that was the idea.  That was the common interest that brought us together, or so I thought.

I get the feeling, and I think that I am right, that what she thinks counts as relating means providing limitless and unending support for her vast and unrelenting problems.  I don't know why, but at some point, at least subconsciously, I had this belief too.  I didn't hold it consciously, but I may have been raised this way. I remember in my past my mother and cousins and their cohorts having these marathon complaining sessions, it was like a sport or hobby.  I wonder if even this is an ethnic thing to some point, it seems like in my culture, whining is an Olympic sport, at least among the females. And at one time I was getting gold medals.

We were hiking along, the weather was great and I was enjoying it, and about halfway through it started: "All I ever wanted was a family, I wanted a husband and kids, woe is me, I am all alone."  It's the same every time. Same topic(s). All the other non-hiking hangouts are the same too.  This continued until we got back to the entrance, and then the other part of the rerunning script started: "Since my illness a year ago, I can't decide if I'm going to go back to work (the hypochondria begins) I could get disability, but I want to use the money and travel and blah, blah, I'm too young to retire  I but don't want to go to work (the loop continues) it's been a year and I can't decide...but I want money...but I don't want to work..."  I found myself offering solutions: "Maybe the EAP at your company will help you." The argument: "No, I don't want to use the EAP." And then offering more sounding board, listening and other positive suggestions, each one shot down, of course because the goal after all of these years isn't to actually be happy and get a resolution, it's the joy of reveling in the unhappiness.  The unhappiness itself IS the pleasure and prize.  And yeah some people don't want solutions, they just want to be heard, but they want to be heard, and heard, and heard...and the topic never changes.

I excused myself pronto. "I've got to go!" I said, after the hike was over. We were standing around at the entrance while she was on her favorite topic: herself.  I did. I had an appointment and was out of there. I was able to get out in time before I started to feel depressed and agitated.  

I did the same for a party at another friend's house.  I arranged to be there toward the end, to keep the engagement to where it had a specific beginning and end, and my timing was perfect: I missed the rude people that I suspected were going to show up. I had a better time and the drama floated right past me.  Now I understand the effect my behavior probably had on people at times. It's nice for friends to provide support, but they should not be held hostage to your emotions, in either direction.