Read this below. Just click on the green link and it will take you directly into the article. Scroll down and read it all

http://www.valueoptions.com/spotlight_YIW/pdfs/articles/How_Addiction_Hurts_Relationships.pdf

was the same way. code and get a councelor that helps.

I say you are obviously confused, and we all make mistakes when things get confused.

I object to you describing your past relationships as addicts of Drugs/Alcohol/Sex because those are diagnosis of other people which is really crossing over a boundary line.

If you did not like the person or did not love them or you just wanted to break up with them - then that is fine, but if you break up past relationships because you diagnose them as addicts then that is not a correct boundary.

Also any sensible counselor is really required to deal with any negative situation they see as their priority, so it troubles me that you would be telling the counselor about their priority for you, especially when your description here shows that your situation is in trouble just as you are confused about it, and the counselor must see that.

The foremost way for any of us to deal with our self is by first dealing with our situations as the priority.

You say = "I just have to hang on and not let go" and yet to go ahead and "let go" is usually the prescribed method of healing.

You clearly grew up with this sort of addict behavior and gravitate toward it as a comfy place just because you lived it for so long.

The best thing is to write down all the reasons why you want to divorce him. Read it over and over. When those feelings come up of wanting to beg him to come back, READ IT until it sinks in that he is a selfish addict.

All addicts are totally self centered. They claim that their behavior only affects themselves which is TOTAL LIE! Even that gives them no RIGHT to continue with their behavior.

We have learned to recognize addict behavior. It is good that you recognize it. That is the first step in understanding that you are drawn to addictive personalities. Being able to recognize this sort of abusive person is a good start.

No one has to put up with addicts in their life. The best thing one can do is to get out of any relationship with addicts who are lost in their addiction. There is no way that we can help them get better. All you are doing by trying to stay with him is enabling him to remain an addict. Nothing good comes from enabling addicts.

Creating boundaries with addicts simply does not work. They refuse to respect the social boundaries already set up by society.
They choose to lie, cheat, break laws, and steal to get their substance of choice. That shows they already refuse to recognize anyone else's boundaries. If they refuse to respect the boundaries of society in general, they are ignorant of your boundaries and will simply continue to use you to meet their needs. Trying to enforce or even explain any boundaries with addicts does nothing while they are active in their addiction.

We have to recognize that counselor are human. They will choose to ignore situations that are difficult just like anyone else. Some are simply lazy! Again, good for you realizing that this counselor is not right for you is great. Just going along with anything any professional does or says is as codependent as being in relationship with addicts and staying despite the damage is does to ourselves and society.

Just hang in and stay away from this person. If he really wants to save this marriage, he will seek treatment, get rid of this addiction, then do everything in his power to prove to you that he is free of this addiction and working to stay free. Then he will work hard courting you all over again.
Anything less is just him working his way into your life to use you all over again.

Get that pad out and write.... then read it over and over.
Stay strong. Stay away from him. Stop thinking he is the only one for you. You have wonderful gifts that are meant to be shared with this world to make it a better place. Being with someone who does not appreciate this fact is just letting him steal that beauty from you and from those of us wanting to experience the uniqueness that you were created to being to this world.

Hang in there
Sunny

@ Booky..WHAT??? I don't understand anything you said.
My exes were addicts, I don' t think that I am diagnosing them. It's what they are!

As Time goes by...Thank you for that article. I actually have that book, guess it's time to pull it out again.

Sassy Babe..Thanks for understanding. Sorry that you do. I don't wish my situation on anyone!!

Sunny..Thank you!!!!! I needed all of that. I will get my journal out tonight and I see my couselor, maybe I can tell him I don't like the way it's going and I want to do the hard work on why I am the way I am. I'm sure there are lots of reasons.

Hi Sunshine, allow me to try to explain what I meant.

You are not stating feelings so it really is a diagnosis whether you believe it or not.

Unless we are licensed Doctors then we simply can not give a diagnosis about any other person.

Now if one of your ex's declared them self as a drug addict or sex addict or as an alcoholic then yes we all can diagnose our self but we must not do that to other people.

We can do that but it is still a dysfunction when we do.

In treating codependency we simply must maintain our boundaries, in that I can declare myself as an addict or you can declare your self as one, but if you call me an addict then you are meshing into my boundary.

The boundary is to separate me from you, and separate you from me, as my life is not yours, so you (or anybody) can not project or claim that my life has an addiction, just like you projecting that onto your ex is crossing the boundary between you and they.

It is your opinion that they were addicts, but you claim it as a fact which is crossing the boundary line.

That is what I meant.

What you (and what we all) need to do to heal the codependency and to establish the healthy boundaries is to express your feelings about the ex's and not the judgments.

In example:
I did not like the way my ex used drugs.
My other ex drank too much to suit me.

That would be giving feelings instead of a diagnosis, and then you would not be violating a boundary.

Most likely you had a codependent bond with each of your ex's and so you feel that you can speak for any or all of them, and that is the dysfunction of meshed boundaries.

Link http://kelleyward.hubpages.com/hub/Boundaries-in-Relationships-Too-Close-To-Connect

And it is NOT that you are violating those other people - no, the boundaries are violated inside of our self, as you need to keep your self from projecting like that onto other people.

Separate your self (your feelings and emotions) from other people - that is the boundary.

We can certainly recognize addiction. Refusing to do so is called denial. Denial is never good for anyone. It is very codepedent to live in denial and refusal to name an addiction. Because the addict is running and hiding, lying and denying their addiction themselves, they generally need loved ones to name it for them. Only then can one truly help the addict seek help.

Naming an illness is simply facing facts and living in truth.

Addiction is deadly! The most loving thing family and friends can do is face the fact that a loved one displays addictive behaviors. Then assist them with anything necessary to get them I'm o treatment.

I know this much....I choose addicts, wether they are diagnosed or not. It's part of my unhealthy behavior. Booky, I still don't understand you at all. I don't need you to explain, etc...
Sunny...I agree with you 100%. Thank you for that!!

We can recognize addictions and we can call people addicts but that is still violating a boundary.

Just like we can very often predict the future but we are better off to not say it.

We can be cruel or call-names or be unfriendly but those things do not promote a healthy functioning relationship.

Just because we can do a thing does not mean that it is a wise thing to do it.

That is why the other person gets angry when you call them as any kind of addict because they can feel that you are violating their business and their life.

When we cross over the human boundary lines then we cause troubles for our self and for the other person.

Even if it is a close friend or relative or husband or wife then we still need to maintain the separation boundary if we want a healthy relationship, and to keep our codependency out.

The correct way is to express your feelings and not your judgements or diagnosis, and if you do that then the other person (the addict) will very likely be touched by your feelings instead of becoming angry or offended or defensive.

If we say things like this = Your drinking hurts me, your addiction worries me, scares me, or tell them that the booze (or drugs or whatever) is pushing me away from you, THEN then you will not need to call them a drunk or an addict as then they can figure that part out for their self based on your expressed feelings.

Giving a diagnosis is the same thing as calling names.

Of course, I can only guess that perhaps one of your parents was an addict. If you were the "helper" of the family, then you would be the one protecting that parent say when they were so out of it, they ended up lying on the floor in a puddle of their own mess.

When we grow up in such dysfunctional situations, we learn skills necessary to survive. As adults, it takes real work to figure out what our real skills are and leave behind the dysfunctional skill set behind.
OR
Choose to use those skills say in counseling addicts to recovery.
Basically, figure out who we were meant to be, if the early training actually can be used to make us happy now.

But that generally would be for work. In our personal lives, we have to recognize and choose to be healthy and have friends and loved ones around us who are healthy as well. Otherwise, we are just recreating the childhood that we know and hate.

Look up complex PTSD with your internet search engine and see if any of the advice or suggestions make sense. If you need some help with that, let me know. I know of a couple that I can't get to right now.

Glad that you are working on recovery.
Sunny

Hi Sunshine: I'm sorry for what you're going through right on this very thread with some people understanding.

People who have been in relationships with drug addicts, alcoholics and/or sex/porn addicts are really on the front lines of addiction and truly know addicts and addict behavior.

I think most of us here understand that when you are talking to an addict, you aren't talking to them, you are speaking to/getting answers from their addiction because it has taken over them and their brain. That's why communication can be so difficult.

I don't know if I ever gave you this, but there is a group here called Family and Friends of Addicts and it is for all of the addictions you mentioned. When you get a chance, just click on the green link below and take a look at the site. They are good people who have been where you are.

http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Families-and-Friends-Of-Addicts/support-group

Great link there AsTimeGoesBy!
As usual, you are on he ball.


I have to agree that there are people whose agenda really appears to be turning counselor advice and current support therapy totally upside down. Then there are comments designed to restrict and paralyze others ability to judge for themselves using education and experience.

It is generally best to rcognize this fact: "if it don't make sense it isn't true!" Words spoken by a very wise female adjudicator.

Ssunshine - you seem wise in recognizing huzzbah. I look forward to learng moore fom your example of speaking truth clearly withot shame or fear. I learned much journey so fs a

Thanks as time goes by...I will check out that site for sure!!
Someone previously mentioned my parents...You know my Dad was probably an alcoholic (maybe a sex addict to). But he was functioning and didn't really do anything that I would have ever thought to be alcoholic behavior (at least while I was a kid). I didn't ever watch him get cleaned up..that sort of thing, he drank a lot, as did a lot of my family members and beer was always around, but everyone functioned. My Mom didn't drink, but was probably an enabler and she used to yell at my Dad a lot. I have thought that maybe my Grandpa was a drunk, due to my Mom's behaviors, but she says no. Anyway, I am the product of the afair my parents had while they were both still married to their exe's and then my Dad got sick while I was young and then died when I was 12. So although it didn't seem dysfunctional at the time, now the more I learn, the more that I can see it was and possibly why. I have fierce abandonment issues and I have horrible Men examples in my past. I have come a long way in recognizing how I've gotten here, but now I'm not sure what to do. The counselor will hopefully help with that in time. I know that I am messed up and if I saw someone in my situation, I'd tell them to leave and to not stand for the behaviors I believe I deserve. So I guess I've gotten thru some of the battles. Thanks again guys!! I apprecitate the support!!!!

Hi Sunshine: A child in a dysfunctional family may believe that it is normal. Also when you have family that can function when drinking, it makes kids believe it is normal even more.

I'm so pleased that you are not only seeing all this by recognizing it now. It usually isn't until we are into adulthood that we figure out the dysfunction of the family. It's when we recognize it that we can start to sort things out in our own lives and make changes for ourselves. We start to review our childhood and see where and how the unhealthy patterns were set and how they impact us now. It's when we begin to break those unhealthy patterns and set new healthy boundaries for us. Many, many hugs.

Even though our stories of codependency are quite different at first glance, I can relate strongly to you. Although my ex is not officially classified as an addict (but I suspect that he may be in some ways), my head tells me that he is not good for me but my heart wants him back. It's a conflict. In a perverse way though, the feeling of wanting someone back who is not good for you is like an addiction. In addition to the sense of genuine love and compassion that I have for my ex, I feel an unhealthy 'craving' type of feeling. I am wondering if it is like that for you too. For me, I alternate between sitting out the feeling that is so painful I feel like I could scream and talking to someone about it.