Codependency Support Group
Codependency is defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for another person's struggles. A codependent person may try to change, or feel shame about their most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with the other person's struggles. If you are on a journey towards self-love, this support group is for you. Join us and find others...
I appreciate being allowed to join this group, since I don't have any other outlets to discuss this - ( except for one or two friends online ).
I have a firm belief that I've been codependent for many years. The reason I say that is because even after going through a 10 year marriage from hell from 1990 till 2000, I still continued to have involvements with men that had no clue how to behave with a woman. My ex-husband was emotionally, and a few times physically abusive, but I stayed with him for 10 years because I felt like I would be a " failure " if I gave up on my marriage. I had married him for always, even if he hadn't. What was crazy was that I had a chance to back out of marrying him at the last moment - right before the wedding date - but he convinced me that if I called things off it would devastate my parents, costing them far too much money. Since I had already cost them a lot of money by going to an out of state college for only 6 weeks until I begged to be allowed to come home, I felt I couldn't cost them any more money. I shouldn't have listened to him. After finally breaking free, and divorcing in 2000, I didn't date for 3 years but when I did it was with men that turned out to only want one thing, even though they claimed differently when I first started talking to them. Then in January 2004 I met yet another guy online. I thought he was " different " than the rest, and I completely fell for everything he said. We ended up getting together, and he moved in with me. That only ended up lasting about 3 months. During that time it turned out that he had an uncontrollable temper that could be ignited quicker than striking a match. He destroyed a couple of my things, and hit me a few times. I had told a good friend about it, and of course she told me to get rid of him as soon as I could. It turned out that I didn't have to tell him to leave because he had a habit of constantly talking to Other Women online, and he met Another Woman online that was willing to allow him to move in with her.
You would think this would be the END of my story. I know looking back that it should have been, but it wasn't. After being apart for a couple of months, he started contacting me begging me to take him back... saying that he made a big mistake, and that he truly " loved " me. I fell for it AGAIN, and took him back. This turned out to be the beginning of a LONG pattern that lasted for years, since now it's 2016. He's been with me now since January 2016, but he's already planning on leaving me AGAIN !
What's the problem you may ask ? The thing is that even though he doesn't deserve it, I still feel like I love him. I've told him that I don't want to lose him again, but that almost seems to push him to plan to leave even more. I don't understand him. I know it's not my job to change him. I know that I shouldn't even try to change him. So Why have I accepted his behaviors for so long ? I have a couple of good friends that are constantly telling me that I " deserve " so much better. But I don't feel that they understand.
It's not that I can't tolerate living alone, but I don't want to. Yet I know I must ask myself, " Is it really better to live with someone that barely talks to me, listens to me, or truly shows me that he cares ? " Looking at him many times I wish things could be different between him, and I, but I know that I can't change his concept of LOVE and RELATIONSHIPS. He has no sense of what it means to be faithful, true, and loyal. Plus no patience, compassion, understanding, or sympathy. Yet I am EXPECTED to show HIM ALL OF THOSE THINGS... ALL THE TIME. IF I don't then I am in the WRONG !
Right now I'm visiting my Dad, staying at his house, while my boyfriend is still at my apartment. The way I left things between him and I when I left for Dad's, I'm not sure IF he will be there when I get back home, or not, on July 6 th. I did a little bit of sneaky detective work, and I found a couple of messages he sent to Another Woman about " coming to be WITH HER SOON ", and that " He Can't Wait to be In Her ARMS ! ". Plus he told her that he misses her very much. She's an ex-gf from years ago - actually One that he left ME for once, years ago. So it looks like he's planning on moving in with HER before I get back home on July 6 th. I HATE the thought of going home to an EMPTY APARTMENT ! But... What can I do about it ? Nothing. He'll do whatever he wants to do.... The BIG questions are I guess...
HOW will I handle it ?? and WHAT - if Anything - will I actively do to make sure I DON'T let him BACK into my Life AGAIN ?!?!
I have a firm belief that I've been codependent for many years. The reason I say that is because even after going through a 10 year marriage from hell from 1990 till 2000, I still continued to have involvements with men that had no clue how to behave with a woman. My ex-husband was emotionally, and a few times physically abusive, but I stayed with him for 10 years because I felt like I would be a " failure " if I gave up on my marriage. I had married him for always, even if he hadn't. What was crazy was that I had a chance to back out of marrying him at the last moment - right before the wedding date - but he convinced me that if I called things off it would devastate my parents, costing them far too much money. Since I had already cost them a lot of money by going to an out of state college for only 6 weeks until I begged to be allowed to come home, I felt I couldn't cost them any more money. I shouldn't have listened to him. After finally breaking free, and divorcing in 2000, I didn't date for 3 years but when I did it was with men that turned out to only want one thing, even though they claimed differently when I first started talking to them. Then in January 2004 I met yet another guy online. I thought he was " different " than the rest, and I completely fell for everything he said. We ended up getting together, and he moved in with me. That only ended up lasting about 3 months. During that time it turned out that he had an uncontrollable temper that could be ignited quicker than striking a match. He destroyed a couple of my things, and hit me a few times. I had told a good friend about it, and of course she told me to get rid of him as soon as I could. It turned out that I didn't have to tell him to leave because he had a habit of constantly talking to Other Women online, and he met Another Woman online that was willing to allow him to move in with her.
You would think this would be the END of my story. I know looking back that it should have been, but it wasn't. After being apart for a couple of months, he started contacting me begging me to take him back... saying that he made a big mistake, and that he truly " loved " me. I fell for it AGAIN, and took him back. This turned out to be the beginning of a LONG pattern that lasted for years, since now it's 2016. He's been with me now since January 2016, but he's already planning on leaving me AGAIN !
What's the problem you may ask ? The thing is that even though he doesn't deserve it, I still feel like I love him. I've told him that I don't want to lose him again, but that almost seems to push him to plan to leave even more. I don't understand him. I know it's not my job to change him. I know that I shouldn't even try to change him. So Why have I accepted his behaviors for so long ? I have a couple of good friends that are constantly telling me that I " deserve " so much better. But I don't feel that they understand.
It's not that I can't tolerate living alone, but I don't want to. Yet I know I must ask myself, " Is it really better to live with someone that barely talks to me, listens to me, or truly shows me that he cares ? " Looking at him many times I wish things could be different between him, and I, but I know that I can't change his concept of LOVE and RELATIONSHIPS. He has no sense of what it means to be faithful, true, and loyal. Plus no patience, compassion, understanding, or sympathy. Yet I am EXPECTED to show HIM ALL OF THOSE THINGS... ALL THE TIME. IF I don't then I am in the WRONG !
Right now I'm visiting my Dad, staying at his house, while my boyfriend is still at my apartment. The way I left things between him and I when I left for Dad's, I'm not sure IF he will be there when I get back home, or not, on July 6 th. I did a little bit of sneaky detective work, and I found a couple of messages he sent to Another Woman about " coming to be WITH HER SOON ", and that " He Can't Wait to be In Her ARMS ! ". Plus he told her that he misses her very much. She's an ex-gf from years ago - actually One that he left ME for once, years ago. So it looks like he's planning on moving in with HER before I get back home on July 6 th. I HATE the thought of going home to an EMPTY APARTMENT ! But... What can I do about it ? Nothing. He'll do whatever he wants to do.... The BIG questions are I guess...
HOW will I handle it ?? and WHAT - if Anything - will I actively do to make sure I DON'T let him BACK into my Life AGAIN ?!?!
I am glad he has gone, it will take a while to detox from him but you will be better for it soon. Ride it out sister, ride it out