About 15 years ago my wife had a long affair that devastated me. I went from casual drinking to a daily habit. All during this time I ‘forgave’ her a thousand times. It’s a process not a one and done release. I’m sure you know this but it’s a good thing to remember. I began my recovery 2 1/2 years ago and now I’m thankful to have learned a few things about myself. One of which is seeing my codependent behavior. It’s funny that I have been working so hard on creating a healthy lifestyle for myself and didn’t read about coda. But without the label I have been in recovery for it anyway. By slowly finding my strength and the enjoyment of my own company.
This is the way to heal. About 6 months into my sobriety I took a long look at the hurt I still had from the affair. I realized that it had done far more damage than I was willing to admit. Instead of facing all the pain at once and learning how to let go of the past I boxed it up to take off the shelf and open up occasionally. This approach kept me stuck in a loop of reliving it. Of course time took the sting out of the raw stuff that you are feeling now but it didn’t dissolve. Not until I made the conscious choice to stop replaying the same movie in my head and forgive myself for doing that all those years. Be careful to not repeat my mistake. Looking back now I see very clearly how my codependency increased because instead of healing myself I entered into this rut of seeking her affection to to heal me. Of course that was impossible and just increased the feelings of rejection. A wedge came between us because we were both injured emotionally and had a kind of ptsd haze about the past.
No one can ‘give’ us freedom. It’s a gift we can only give to ourselves. I finally have come to understand this and I am finding real happiness as a result.
There’s a lot I can say to you but I don’t want to go on too long. Maybe the best thing is to reply back and pick up here.
Watch his behavior in his recovery. It’s a sensitive time that can go many ways. If he can really take responsibility for himself then there’s a light in this tunnel, but if he’s prone to avoidance then he will want to ‘share’ the responsibility with you. Recovery isn’t a team activity. It needs to be on a deeply personal level.
The boundaries between healing your marriage and healing yourselves can get very blurry. It’s important to see that.
Take care of yourself and my advice is to find a way to just be friends during this recovery time. Trying to expect a whole relationship at this point is going to feel like you’re both failing. Patience.

A good therapist can help you as a
guide and you can get the one on
one help you might need. My therapist
Validated me and steered me.

It is greatly encouraged to have both
People in recovery. Like with Him in AA/NA
and you In alanon/naranon. We have just
as many Issues, its just in a different way.
Many of Us come from like homes. We
don't find Or stay with these people by
mistake.

Everyone’s recovery is totally separate.
You are not him, he is not you. You each
are on your own healing journey and you
are there to learn About yourself and how
to Fix, heal, change and grow.

Alanon does not encourage people To make
Rash decisions until they are in the program
for six Months to a year. So that we are then
stronger and Know where we are heading.
Often times Changes in our own behaviors
can help the Situation too.

It can take us a long time to start to really
looking Inward at ourselves. Its easier to
look at the Other guy. Looking Inward takes
Real Courage, hugs and welcome to our
Group.

A recovery process is a process. I don't know your husband, and I am not a witness to how he is working his recovery. But early recovery is tough. I personally had a hard time with it, and honestly it took me about 6 months to even start having a normal thought process around my family. I'm going to guess he has a lot of fear about talking about the things that he has done in the past. And if I were you, I would not expect yourself to be the first person he goes to when he is ready to speak about (it is much easier to talk to a stranger about our demons than it is to confront the people whom we have hurt).

I have a lot of empathy for you, because I imagine it feels as though he's kind of disappeared from a good portion of what is required from a husband and father. It is very easy to lay those responsibilities on another during recovery, because we are fighting for our lives. I've had a husband do it to me many years ago, as well as I admit I became that person for awhile myself.

There is a comfort in addiction, because it allows a person to not have to really grow into anything. Now that he is in recovery, he probably doesn't even recognize himself. And in turn, he's a bit unrecognizable to you.

Ok enough about the addict...

You have been given a unique opportunity to really tune into who you are, as a woman, as a wife and as a mother. We are certainly happy to have you here in this group, and I hope that it proves to be a good tool for you.

I'm always afraid of making people feel out of hope when I say this, but the only person you can work on in this life is yourself. You have a daughter who is going to watch you for many, many years. What do you want to reflect for her?

I won't tell you to give up your relationship, or to fix it. I believe that answer will come a lot easier when you have a good foundation of who you believe you are. Give him his space, and give yourself some space to grow into your own roots.

I apologize for my ramble. I am very grateful for your bravery to share. Thank you.

Thank u everyone. And yes he doesn’t want to talk about the past. I don’t either because it hurts too much that 7 months after getting married he started using and cheating. I have a lot of resentment because he put that person he was cheating with before our family. It’s funny he doesn’t want to talk about the past but he is usually the one who starts fights when we talk. He is currently living in a sober living about 3 hours away from us. We haven’t seen him since February and he really doesn’t call or have contact with us. He says when we talk and argue it’s jeopardizing his sobriety. This weekend we fought again for no reason and he said he doesn’t want me to contact him, he’ll make contact when he’s stable. I think my biggest thing is I stood by and stayed through the worse and now it feels like when he’s getting everything together we don’t have a place in his life anymore. I get so confused by him cause one day he says he’s done and doesn’t want the arguing or to deal with me and then he talks about how he realizes he messed up everything and through everything away to make a place for someone else to come in and be the person he hasn’t. I know it’s gonna be a long road and all I’ve asked of him is to not close the door on us and just work on himself and then we can work on us. I feel if he closes that door now it can never be opened again. Reading all the comments made me teary eyed and I’m glad I came on here and have people to talk to about all this.

I would agree with you that the fantasy you had of life with him is now turning into reality and this often bites. Our choice is to live in anger or move forward. That moving forward includes our changing and this can be scary and sometimes difficult. And it takes time to work through things. Yet in the long run, ever so worth working on our issues.

He has only been sober for four months now and this is a short time for you to process your own feelings and deal with the change. Things have changed in the family dynamics and this is not easy for any of you. Perhaps when he was using, you learned how to cope or attempt to keep the family together with someone who was not in partnership with you. At that time, his focus was on his drug using and you were not his priority. For some people, this gives us the power and control of the family because our spouse was busy. That can feel kinda good but our anger at their using can make us resent them. This was my reality.

It bothers me that husband has decided you are codependent, not sure if he is right or looking for a scapegoat. This is something you should evaluate for yourself. I know I was codependent when my ex was using (he still uses). I know there was a part of me that liked his focus being on his drugs and drinking while at the same time I felt guilt and shame about his issues. Tried to hide it from the kids, which never worked. I am going to suggest you work on you now, get some paper and write down all the feeling words that describe how you are feeling now. Make your focus on yourself and don’t put your focus on his change. Allow him to focus on his change right now. If he needs to go to a meeting daily, allow it with grace and no resentment. I found the book The New Codependency super helpful as well as Codependent No More. Get therapy from someone experienced with substance abuse for you first, then maybe family therapy later, take you and daughter to Al Anon (Alateen for her) or similar. I think start there and maybe move on to CODA meetings later. Al Anon will give you info about the dynamics and the dysfunction. They have good information on line while we are staying at home. As you go through this journey to your wellness, let us know how you are doing.

One of my favorite quotes
“Detachment is not the absence of love, but the ability to take care of yourself in the midst of someone else’s choices.”

Detach from his outcome and the things he is saying. His brain is changed from years of substance abuse and may never be normal as you want. Work on you. Lastly, he sounds perhaps manipulative and angry. Threatening to end the marriage sounds manipulative to me. Stop holding on to him because this keeps your focus on him when it should be on healing and fixing you. Let him decide while you decide for you. Don’t contact him as he requested because he is not stable and your needs are not something he can focus on yet or ever. If he has always been self absorbed and narcissistic, being clean is not going to change that. The person you want may not be who he really is but while he was using, you could pretend everything would be great once he stopped using, cheating, getting in trouble, or whatever. Loving yourself first is doable. You have value and worth beyond this marriage, simply as a human being. We often have to let go of the old to see the new door opening that brings us happiness and joy.

Yeah he’s in a sober living and does daily meetings. I know I was codependent because I took care of him. I would get up before I had to in the morning to fight with him to make sure he was up, I’d make his lunch when he was running late and anything he needed I was there but it wasn’t the other way around. He was cheating on me with the chick he’d get the drugs from. Lies after lies and even after I found out he wouldn’t stop cause he was too far gone in his addiction. I do often think I should’ve done this and that, kicked him out when he refused to be home and stay away from the drug house and that chick and I didn’t cause I thought I could change him but I couldn’t. I couldn’t make him want to be with me when I was pregnant or after our daughter was here. He almost missed her birth cause he wasn’t home, and that should’ve been my last straw but it wasn’t and plenty more happened after that but it didn’t wake me up. I love him too much to give up but I also am coming to the realization that I can’t force anything and if he doesn’t want to be in our lives then that’s his lose. Our last argument we had I didn’t even cry, I think I’m coming to terms that what will happen will happen. It’s really hard cause our daughter is only 14 months old and he’s already missed all her life due to his addiction and infidelity. I know I can only take one day at a time and only focus on today. I have to be strong for my daughter cause I’m the only parent she has right now and might ever have.

Being able to talk and discuss what I can’t discuss with family is really helping me. There’s so much to get out and resentment I have. I did sit down and write a poem this weekend about our life, which turned out really good. I think it helped me to voice things and not bottle them up.

Oh, I am sorry, I thought I read your daughter was 16. So take yourself to Al Anon or similar. I have to agree that I have to choose who I discuss these things with because other codependent people keep telling me to try, give, force the issue, etc. I think there is a book called Women Who Love Too Much, that just flew into my head when reading what you wrote. I don't think we can make people want to be our perfect "partner" or spouse. Or even be with us in the way we need them to be. I have come to realize that my trying to remake my former spouse, and even this current one sometimes, is my codependency based on MY NEEDS. I need to control them. I hear a lot of control from what you write and I can relate. And the saddest thing we have to come to terms with is acceptance that we only have control over ourselves and little children. And perhaps the best thing you can do for him is to allow him to experience his consequences and stop chasing him for love. It is hard sometimes to let go and allow consequences but it truly is what works for both of us. We can't fix ourselves if we are so busy fixing others. Hugs to you.

Thank u for all your words. It is really hard for me to let go. I never thought I’d have a family, I’m 36 and thought it was never going to happen. Then I met my husband and everything I dreamed of having happened and now it’s so hard to let it go. I know I can’t force it and I probably should just let it all go so I can be happy but I love him with all my heart and believe we could be happy together. It’s hard cause I never thought when we met and started our lives that this would be happening but it is.