Codependency Support Group
Codependency is defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for another person's struggles. A codependent person may try to change, or feel shame about their most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with the other person's struggles. If you are on a journey towards self-love, this support group is for you. Join us and find others...
So I'm codependent. I am n my 2nd marriage and trying to understand why I'm so tense around my wife. There is some drama but no violence. She get into a passive agressive thing lately slamming things, stomping around. Thats hard. But it's really the little things that seem to add up overvtime. Like death by a thousand cuts. Example: I say something to get a converdation going, she shuts it down. Then two minutes later she wants me to listen to her. Multply this by at least everyday, for 10 years now and I stop talking and I just feel burned over and over again. I don't want this.
Out. The way to stop it is to fix yourself and by
using Strong boundaries and having self love
Onboard.
Many of us come from the Same stuff. What have
you done or read so far. Therapy helps a lot too.
Hugs
They Find us or we just attract them.
I had a real hard time with strong boundaries
Even in alanon. All of your marital interactions
are Usually already scripted. Its hard to change
Our spots and not react in the old way.
A good starting point is use words like " i "think,
I feel, i want. Do not use words like "you" that
Is blaming and giving your power away.
I have been in alanon for six years it took me
2 years to stop being a doormat. It still did
Not change the problems.
It was far too Late in the game even with him
in AA and Me alanon. Marriage counseling was
a joke. I loved her he lasted 3 times together
then was Done after she called him on a behavior.
We did well for 10+ years then the emotional
Intimacy started going down hill and that is
The slow death of any marriage. He checked
Out somewhere along the way and i did not
Make any waves.
I do have a great therapist she is a 12 stepper
Herself and she helps with the big issues. Like
Family, shame, abandonment, narcissism, abuse.
There are men in my alanon group. Some married
An alcoholic some come from it. There is also adult
Child ACOA, CODA. None of this stuff is as easy as
reading A book. Awareness only goes so far the rest
is about us Changing, growing, healing, grieving and
really about facing Ourselves and our own issues.
I still struggle about my ex of 30 years. These kinds
Of relationships are hard to move thru. I never know
If its my codependency or not. I am three years
Divorced and no contact with him, HUGS
The main thing that's driving me to face and deal.with this is that I have 2 little kids with my current wife. There were none the first marriage so less people were effected by ending it. I really want be a good dad more than anything. So I want to be very careful a deliberate about decisions. I.statred therepy and found a group that may work with the schedules. Thanks again for sharing and the encouragement.
Were always issues. He needed AA
Too not just to Stop drinking that is
not enough. I needed alanon myself.
The last 12 years together he got Very
Openly passive aggressive. It was Like
who was this person i was married to?
He ended Up having more resentments
than I could have ever have imagined.
I also had resentments and stuffed Down
anger from repressed emotions And feelings
but nothing like him. According To him i all
but destroyed his life, soul and his ambitions.
It never got better with him it only got Worse
and more toxic by the end.
Thats my story, that does not mean your marriage
Is not repairable. Glad you are working on you
And you want to be a good Dad regardless of
what Happens. HUGS
Rock bottom as many before you. Usually
We need rock bottom to have the willingness
For any true change and growth.
I hated change but life and people change
And you need to adapt. Burying your head
In the sand does not work. Its like the brick
Wall it hurts too much after awhile.
You sound good and on a healthy path. Its not
An easy one, HUGS
Alanon. They do have many great slogans
That apply to our life and just plain living.
I do know i still struggle and i will never
be Cured. I need to stay mindful and to
keep Moving forward so that i can keep
Healing, growing and Changing.
There is a lot of grief to face in recovery.
And i had a lot of extra training in divorce
care. Grief needs to be Felt, moved thru
and hopefully eventually let go of. My
Grief is still deep and ongoing.
I Had a good alanon meeting today and
then attended a fun retirement party. Life
goes on With or without us and we only
have one Life to live.
It has been hard for me to get back into
living again single and not isolating, its
baby steps forward, HUGS
Shawnti, welcome, and it sounds like you're in the right place here. I have had many dances with my ex and the verbal go'round that never seemed to end until the conversational power play blows up. The "game" of ignoring me, and when brought it up he would get defensive and attack me verbally, then of push me away because he didn't like what I had to say in response, only to call it done, but then follow me to yell at me and start all over again (or jump right to another argument) as I tried to walk away exhausted. We could go on for hours. Until I changed the dance.
Expect different reactions when you change the dance...they probably won't like it at first. But you can't break the old drama patterns unless you try something new. For instance i would just leave when I felt it starting, or not pick up the phone when he would be done then call me 10 times in the next five minutes as I was talking a walk to cool off. And I'd hell him exactly what I was going to do before I did it. I wasn't asking permission. I just started saying things like "I'm going for a walk, and I'm not talking about this any more until you can discuss it with me without yelling. You yell again, and I leave again, and then we're done talking about it for the day. I'm not doing this 3rd and 4th and 5th attempt at a conversation anymore. It's exhausting" or "If you say we're done talking about this, I'm taking you at your word, expecting you to be honest and truthful in the words you use, and I'll honor those words by being done...even if you are just throwing them out there flippantly. No yo-yo back and forth talk to me one minute and ignore me the next crap anymore. So make sure that when you say we're done discussing something that you mean it, and when you say you're done with me (for the day, or the relationship as a whole) that you mean it. Because I'm done being yanked back and forth like its nothing because you just feel like winning, or getting one over on me, or your mad. If you're saying words every other minute that you turn around to say are not what you meant the next, and you keep telling me things, only to reverse it a minute later because you were just saying it to hurt me, then you need to pause and think about what you say before you speak, Because words have consequences, and I'm not letting you hurt me with yours anymore. When you start to hurt me with your words in that way you need to go cool off, and I'm not talking to you again until 20 minutes has passed (or 2 hours, or however long you decide on... My counselor recommends at least 20 min off so the emotions can pass, or else you risk them being stirred right back up again WAY too easily with anything less.)
Anyway, maybe my examples aren't relevant for you, but the point is, figure out where you want to draw the line, voice your boundaries, don't ever set a boundary you're not willing to back up (if you say... If you do this, then my response will be to do that, then you should be willing and able to follow through or your boundaries are meaningless) and then stick to them. And baby steps are a fine place to start, or if there's that huge thing you can't take for one more second and you wanna start there then I say go for it. Good luck, welcome, and please know you're not alone in this. Hug