Codependency Support Group
Codependency is defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for another person's struggles. A codependent person may try to change, or feel shame about their most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with the other person's struggles. If you are on a journey towards self-love, this support group is for you. Join us and find others...
I'm sorry if I'm being redundant. I had posted a couple of times about leaving a hiking group, which I did. I am happy with my decision to end that toxic tie. A life coach told me that "the universe abhors a vaccuum." in this case he meant that sometimes another negative thing can come in to replace that negative thing that you just put down, so be careful.
What do I mean by this? Well this really toxic person who runs the hiking group is part of a larger, greater group of people. The relationships overlap. Another thing that has been an issue for me is being in a text chain/text chat. It has been going on since 2020. I thought it was just a way for people to stay afloat and connected while isolated in lockdown. It is now going on in perpetuity. I don't know why it bothers me so much, but I have come to despise it. Maybe it's because some of the people that I resent are in it. I wouldn't mind so much if I just got some reminders here and there, such as 'Happy Birthday," or "Happy Holidays." But it goes beyond that. There are times when I feel like my phone is exploding with constant back and forth messages, I feel like whoever is keeping the text chain going is doing it as a way of keeping people on a short leash, like constant contact will ensure we don't "go anywhere." Maybe I'm triggered because of my abusive past and the constant contact that was involved in isolating me. I would imagine a lot of friend groups everywhere have group texts, IDK. Maybe I just don't like some of the ppl in this one, I don't know.
What bothers me is that I think the person primarily perpetuating it lives out of state. She used to run zoom calls weekly which I started to hate. Now we do them a few times a year, and I still hate those too. Maybe it's because it feels like she is trying to force a connection. I never reciprocate. I'm cold and distant for the most part. Worse yet, this constant contact has culminated in her moving back to our city. I get the feeling there is this big, grand plan for us to hang out a lot more and all of the time...and quitting the hiking group was a way to curtail this. It will probably start up again. She made a big announcement this morning that she can't wait to be back here in April and tried to engage us all day on the chat. I don't want this anymore. I don't want this forced group dynamic anymore. I don't want to be constantly distracted by my phone going off, so much so that I can't take a nap, read, or watch a show. I don't want to hear the same personal problems that everyone has had for ten years-ones that I'm expected to listen to, enable, help, and feel sorry for. Some of their lives have gone nowhere in ten years. They want constant help, endless sympathy and...enabling. I thought being cold and distant would send a hint. It hasn't worked. She even noticed I was distant. I get the feeling that my attempts to drift away are being challenged.
Also, worse yet, I think the big M/O with all of this contact is that this person needs money and a place to stay. It's been brought up to me that I should be roomates with this woman. She's way older than me. I don't understand why a person can't just get to know you, why does there have to be a big, overarching grand plan? About a year ago I got a very long email from her, like an essay, telling me all about her dysfunctional family and all of her problems. I hardly knew her. I just. didn't. care. Like why are you dumping all of this in my lap? She keeps telling me I am her "family." And I'm like, "who are you?" She is moving to get away from her family, and her goal is to make us her family...I'm not going to do that. We have not much in common and I feel like I'm being set up to be used, like she wants to move into my house. There was this big grandiose plan for all of us to drive cross country and move her stuff out here...and I'm like WTH? I'm not driving you anywhere, you are not moving into my home.
I guess this goes beyond even the hiking group, maybe there are deeper problems. I've avoided cutting them off entirely, but I feel like I can't move forward with my life or do anything because all of my time and energy has gone to them. It's like one of those pop-up puppets, where you hit one down and another just comes up. I blocked hers and someone else's number today. I don't know what to do I feel cornered. I hate spending time with them and I don't want it accelerated.
-
check out that smoke ring. It tasted really good. I smothered it with Maulls BBQ sauce which is Local to St. Louis and one of the best I ever had.....
-
It's been some time since my last post...sorry. I've been going through a challenging time with the sale of my home, purchase of a condo and my adult asperger son that lives with me. I've had days where I couldn't get out of bed, days where I stayed in my pj's and days where all I managed to do was eat, drink fluids and take care of my Sweet Mia kitty. Sweet Mia came to me from a shelter about...
Hopefully some of this group genuinely likes this woman moving back to your area because it sounds like she has expectations of some support. Being honest now may really help her by getting out in the open what the reality of support will be.
As far as you cutting off entirely is it possible to let the group know that you need to have a more distant relationship at this point in your life?
I have found that the ideal hiking group is 3-4 people. That’s when I feel there’s a close connection between nature and the people. More than that number I feel like it’s a human bulldozer going through the woods.
But I just look at it once in a while. I still want to be included too as the other responder said with her group.
Texting all the time isn't everyone's thing. BobinMaine suggestion sounds good. My suggestion would be volunteer work or a book club.
You can get to know people at your own pace
I think this aggravates you way too much so at this point, I suggest you cut all ties. It is taking up too much of your emotional energy.
My husband is on a group email and he feels the same way as you do. Too many people just write stuff that has nothing to do with the intention of the group email. Too many people just write stuff that is not relevant.
Remember: Say NO when we mean NO. So what if someone says they think this woman should be your roommate. The correct response is NO thanks.
I like Bob's idea too of turning off notifications on your phone of that group. I have chatty relatives on What's App that can blow up my phone with their group texts and I turned off the notification for them so it doesn't beep all night long (they are 12 hrs ahead). And I check their messages only when I feel like it.
I could be way off, in thinking of all your posts something seems to come through in each "control".
Either you feel like you are being controlled by, or want to 'take control' of your own life.
I felt a sting from what you wrote about your Mom and her response to leaving the group of hikers. Also her desire for you to not loose contact with all your friends after leaving the group.
Perhaps you have out grown the people in hiking group, and some you'd like to stay in contact with. Perhaps think about the word 'control' if you feel like others are controlling you, or you want to have more control over others and this could be at issue with the hiking group and the texting group.
Creating 'boundaries' of how you want to be treated and how you want to treat others might bring some clarity about moving forward with old and new relationships.